The Island: Episode One

After a long awaited hiatus, one of my favorite shows has recently come back to waste more of my time: The MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Just as I did last season, I'd like to utilize this blog once a week for my recap of each episode. Truthfully, its less of a recap and more of a commentary, or an inner monologue. If you haven't actually watched each episode, you probably won't have a clue what I'm talking about.

As I'm well aware, this is probably one of the least popular types of blog entries for the majority of my readers, especially considering I am one of about twelve people in our age bracket who actually watch this show (in all of America, according to the Nielsen ratings,) but I'm willing to take the heat because I enjoy doing this way too much.

As it goes, here's a quick setup of this season's show: There are 20 different former RW/RR cast members, and they are all brought out to this deserted island somewhere off the coast of Panama on BMX by their host, TJ Lavin. By BMX, I mean motor boat. Anyways, this year's setup is much more like Survivor and less like The Gauntlet or The Inferno - the premise is to build 2 boats, with only 4 people per boat, with a few people getting keys to this treasure chest in which you need to open on some other isla.....actually, that's enough of a show summary - if you don't watch it, nothing I say here will actually cause you to begin watching the show.

On to my comments on the episode:

-Tonya is now living in Nebraska? What the hell is Tonya doing in Nebraska? I'd love to find this one out. I mean, how does someone go from "acting" in a Skinemax soft core porn series (yes, that's right: "The Erotic Traveler") to living in NEBRASKA??

-Exactly how many pounds do you think Ashli gained since we last saw her becoming a homewrecker on RW Australia? Can we set the over/under at 25 pounds? She was doing some work on that rice too. Let's try to hold back on the carbs there, Ashli.

-Who the hell is Dan?

-Love the fact that Kelly Anne went straight from projectile vomiting to smiling as if she just won her first Oscar.

-Abram is absolutely out of his mind....and I love every minute of it.

-I can't get over the fact that Derrick got married, and has a kid on the way. First of all, I would LOVE to see Derek's wife, and secondly, let's read that sentence over again - Derrick has a KID on the way. He sure seems ready for a kid, especially with his past history of drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and did I mention uncontrollable fits of rage, crying, and/or aggression?

-By Jenn's comments, are we to assume that she hooked up with Rachel?? I feel like this was somewhat implied. If so, where's my footage? Come on, guys - this is MTV we are talking about.

On a side note, it hurts to say this, but I think I nominate Jenn as most improved in terms of hotness. This is not saying she is hot - it merely notes that she is more attractive than when we last saw her. Johanna still rates as # 1 in my book.

-Where exactly is TJ coming from? Do you think he lives on the island as well? Possibly in a suite, complete with A/C, television, running water/showers, etc.? Or is he living in the same awful conditions as the competitors?

-These air drops from the Army better not only bring food and pieces of the boat to the cast members. If so, its gonna be a LONG season. Let's hope that MTV hasn't forgotten the one key ingredient which keeps this show moving - ALCOHOL. I realize the 1st episode featured some booze, but something tells me that this stuff won't be rationed nearly as well as the rice and chicken. Without alcohol, there will be no hookups, no fights, no anything - the show would essentially be a bunch of superficial, pretentious idiots just sitting around waiting for an elimination challenge. Please tell me this is not the case, MTV.

In summation - good initial episode, and hoping for a stellar season all around.

Lessons I missed in 6th Grade

Generally, I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy - I speak a foreign language (arguably), I know when the correct time is to use "who" or "whom," I know the Spanish Armada occurred in 1588, I can point out the province of Manitoba on a map.....the list is endless, readers.

That being said, there are 2 things which must have slighted me in my youth, and they continue to be problematic in my "professional" years:

1. Cursive script

2. The ampersand (&)

Let's begin with cursive. I have a slight recognition of taking classes in cursive, and although I was clearly not bound for a career in calligraphy, I could at least write it. Now it has gotten to
the point where any knowledge I had of it has been completely erased from my memory, just like "Saved By the Bell: The College Years." This culminated about 5 years ago, when I was taking the LSAT. After the test, you are required to copy a paragraph stating you didn't cheat, ect. - in cursive. What did I do, you ask? I CHEATED. I copied it in regular print and attempted to turn it in. The important word here being "attempted.". That's right - the proxy handed it back to me, informing me it must be done in cursive. Humiliated in front of a classroom of people I didn't even know, I sauntered back to my chair and attempted to use cursive for a full paragraph. Even though I improvised very liberally, this small feat took me nearly 10 minutes, and I felt exhausted at the end. Anyone who knows me is fairly aware of the fact that to this day, I can barely even sign my own name in cursive, let alone write a sentence. This, friends, is embarrassing on so many levels.

Now, gracefully moving on to the ampersand. I'm afraid there's not all too much that can be said here. Bottom line - for the life of me, I cannot draw an ampersand. Is this something one is taught in school? If so, I must have missed that class. Perhaps the ampersand is a close relative of cursive? It wouldn't surprise me at all....that nemesis.

Yesterday, I was attempting to write down the name of a company, which, sure enough, had an "&" in the name. You know exactly where this is going...I couldn't do it. I tried over and over again, looking at the damn ampersand, tracing its lines and everything, and still couldn't figure it out. Defeated, humiliated by my own actions, and somewhat enraged, I went with a "+".

I'll tell you this - I hope I'm never in a hostage situation where I am forced to write down the name of my fellow hostages (using only ampersands), and if I don't do it correctly, our captor has threatened that all the hostages will die. If this ever occurs, I apologize in advance, and I promise I'll see you on the other side.

Potent Potables

Even at 28 years young, there are still some things I feel like I'll just never be able to fully grasp, and these certain things will continue to annoy the hell out of me. Here are three which come to mind at this very moment:

1. The Wave - in no way am I trying to steal my friend Shane's thunder, as he has gone as far to even create an "I Hate the Wave" t-shirt, but honestly, folks - cut the shit. If you aren't
entertained enough by the actual game going on, then why are you there?? Stop wasting your ticket and give it to someone that actually wants to be there.

2. People who make gulping noises when they drink something. This is a more personal one, as its specifically addressed to my father. I still don't understand - how does this happen, and why? I get it that in Asian cultures, one shows appreciation to the chef by loudly slurping his noodles or soup. But how does this correlate?? By making a loud gulping noise after EVERY sip (followed by an "ahhh" exhale as though he's been in the Sahara for 3 weeks and its his first exposure to a
beverage), is he trying to let the CEO of Coca Cola know how well they did with their latest batch? Pretty sure he's not at the dining room table with us....

3. People who clap at the end of movies and/or airline flights (the latter being more rare). Don't get me wrong - I'm a full fledged clapper, and will do so when appropriate. This includes, among
other activities, sporting events, concerts, WWF wrestling matches (I refuse to refer to the sport as "WWE"), and spelling bees. I just can't understand why people clap at the end of a movie. The genre of movie doesn't matter - it could be an action film or a great drama. Listen to me, people - JUST LEAVE. We clap to show appreciation to whomever is doing a fantastic job....but here's the thing - in all appropriate circumstances, that individual is always there with you, whether on the court, the stage, the ring, etc. Unless the director or an actor is in the theatre watching the movie with you, let me assure you - you look like an idiot clapping.

As far as clapping at the end of a flight goes, I feel like this should not even be a debatable topic. Unless your plane has lost a wing or is completely engulfed in flames, just get up and get off the
damn plane when it lands. Where do you cross the line at clapping during commutes? Pretty sure I'm not giving a round of applause to my cabby after driving me downtown, even if he made it without catching any red lights. I'll be holding the applause for the t driver too - sorry, pal. So why would you clap at the end of a plane ride? Because you made it back on the ground without dying? Pretty sure you're safer on a plane than you are on the T nowadays.

Well, I guess those are enough observations for one day.....I'm exhausted.

Manny (Done) Being Manny in Boston

And so the Manny Ramirez era has finally come to an end in Boston. What do I have to say about it, you ask? Well, thank you for asking....here are my thoughts:

Let's see what exactly we gave up for Jason Bay (who I will speak about later): Manny Ramirez, $7 million, Craig Hansen, and Brandon Moss. That's right - one of the top 5 hitters of our generation, the rest of his contract, a former #1 draft pick with nasty stuff who may
or may not figure it out at some point, and decent prospect with a decent upside. Admittedly, I'm not heartbroken with giving up Hansen and Moss, as the former would never bounce back (on our team at least) by being thrown into the fire his rookie year, and I considered Moss to be an average outfielder (20 HRs, .290 BA), but nothing more. That being said, the closest thing I ever was to being a scout was donning that awful uniform as a kid and starting out as a "cub" (I swear my father made me!). One has to ask - were we THAT desperate to trade Manny Ramirez??

Now let's switch gears for a moment and take a quick look at Jason Bay. Having a solid season this year (very similar to Manny's), and aside from the statistical blemish that was last year, has had a very solid career. Great average, great OBP, 35 HRs, and even some steals.
I should also mention that he's almost 7 years younger than Manny, he only makes $5 million per year (though this year is a moot point, as we are paying him AND Manny), and he's under contract for another year. That being said he has always played in the National League, and he has always played for a team that hasn't been good since Doug Drabek was throwing seeds for them back in the 80s. If you don't know who Doug Drabek is, I've made my point. Can Jason Bay come into a pressure situation, where all eyes are on him? Think JD Drew in '07, Michael
"Primetime" Coleman, Dwayne Hosey (just kidding on the last 2...or am I?). Can he come up big when it counts? Don't forget - Manny was World Series MVP back in '04, and his performance in '07 certainly was not a detriment to the team. Only time will tell - good luck Jason Bay, for all of our sakes.

Don't get me wrong - I see where the Red Sox were going with this - they can't handle Manny for another 2 months, and by dumping his and schilling's contracts (Curt, I think I hear 38 Studios calling...no, seriously), that opens up $20.5 extra million dollars next year for the free agent market (including Bay's $7.5 million for next yr). But here's what I think the Sox should have done:

-Every year Manny has his 2 week temper tantrum. Every year he comes back and mashes the ball. This year was a bit different, in that I think Manny was doing it to make sure the Sox knew he did not want them to pick up his option.

- That being said, Manny knew (or at least Scott Boras knew) that he couldn't continue playing like the next Julio Lugo for the next 2 months, because he is in a contract year and wants to get PAID next year. Poor performance equals poor new contract.

-Theo and his little Theo clones should have said "Look, Manny - we know you are going to be a bitch if we pick up your option, so here's the deal, which is a win-win situation: you play hard for the next 2 months, we don't pick up your option for next year, and you pick up a nice big
contract for next year from another team (that thinks they will be able to control your actions)." What's so wrong with that? Manny isn't that dumb, is he? We end up with the best hitter in the AL going on all cylinders for 2 months, a better chance to win another World Series, we have $20 million extra to pick up someone else, AND we get 2 extra 1st round draft picks next year when someone else picks Manny up (Editor's note #1: need to look into this, as I'm not sure if you get compensation if a team denies an option) (Editor's note #2: I am my own editor).

That being said, I'm not Theo Epstein and I don't know what else was happening behind the scenes. Theo is a smart enough guy to lay it on the line with Manny, so maybe it just wasn't gonna work. Let's just hope that the traveling secretary for the Dodgers is a little younger this time.

Ino Guerrero, this is your official wakeup call - your services are no longer needed in the Red Sox clubhouse.

The New Olympics....

Everyone that has gotten a chance to know me, or more importantly, has had the privilege to participate in any type of athletic activity with me, is fairly quick to notice one of my finest traits: I sweat....a lot. I'm sure genetics have a lot to do with this, so unless I find a quick, non-dangerous and cheap solution for the complete removal of sweat glands, I'm out of luck.

Being a born and bred Red Sox fan, I can say that I've gotten a few games under my belt. And I don't think I'm the only one that has noticed one obvious characteristic about our "Greek God of Walks," Kevin Youkilis: he sweats....a lot. Its borderline comical to watch the steady stream of perspiration flow from under his batting helmet as if his head were a faucet. Needless to say, the bald head does not help things.

So one evening I was having a rather intellectual conversation with my friend Shane about my uncanny god-given ability to sweat and our conversation turned to the Red Sox. In a moment of clarity, I argued that no matter how badly Youk sweats, I believe I could, in fact, out-sweat him. And then I did it - I proposed a "Sweat Off" with the All-Star first baseman.

So without further adieu, the following are my proposed rules to the introductory Kevin Youkilis vs Matt Dominici sweat off:

1 - Out of fairness, either I need to shave my head completely, or Youk needs to grow a full head of hair. This will be settled by a best out of 3 match of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

2 - A batting helmet must be worn at all times.

3 - The first event will consist of a 2 mile run. This will also help to establish somewhat of a handicap. Whichever person has a better per mile average will start out with negative sweating points. I believe that Youkilis, being a pro athlete, has a higher threshold for perspiration, and (once again) out of fairness, this needs to be made note of.

4 - The next event will simply be the "Sit and do Nothing" category. This event is somewhat tough to grasp for non Sweat-Off fans: you literally sit on a couch and do nothing for a full hour in 85 degree heat. 100% humidity is a necessity as well.

5 - One can't have a Sweat Off without the fan favorite: a trip on the Green Line from Cleveland Circle to Kenmore Square in a full suit (with batting helmet, obviously). Regulations dictate that the train must be completely full, with the air conditioning broken, and the trip must be taken during the summer months. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then apparently you've never lived in Brookline or Allston/Brighton....

6 - Consume a Super Burrito from Ana's Taqueria absolutely loaded with jalapenos and hot sauce. This could potentially be my downfall; I'm not sure how Youk deals with spicy foods, but I start sweating the second I see a green pepper, let alone a jalapeno. For some reason, I feel like Greeks have a much higher threshold for spicy foods. On second thought, I may be pulling this event from the competition.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon your opinion), these are all the events I could come up with on such short notice. Feel free to add any potential events. However, I don't really see the Sweat Off being much of a spectator sport for some odd reason....though I can't exactly pinpoint why.

As far as an award, hmmm....Well, I guess that the person who sweats more wins title as...person who sweats more?

Bring it on, Youkilis.....

"I Don't Drink Merlot!!"

Its ok to admit it - every one of you has that friend (or nemesis) that you affectionately refer to as the "Wine Snob." This the guy who spends an inordinate amount of time swilling his wine in front of his nose, attempting to fully unleash the aroma, or

"bouquet," as he properly refers to it as. The Wine Snob can spend hours obnoxiously talking about the superiority of pinot grapes grown in the Napa Valley in 2005 versus those grown in the San Fernando Valley, and, frankly, all you want to do is punch him in the stomach in an attempt to cease the constant discourse. "Are you really drinking THAT Chardonnay? 2007? (scoffing) You must have plucked that from the discount rack." Yes, think Paul Giamatti’s character from Sideways. If you wanted a Sommelier as a friend, you would have gone to a wine tasting and paid for a guy to ask you if you noticed the hint of chestnut in your Merlot. Naturally, this today’s blog topic: I’d like to introduce you to the close relative of the Wine Snob (perhaps a cousin of sorts): THE BEER SNOB.

I realize the concept of a Beer Snob may be tough to grasp initially, as the words used together may even be thought of as an oxy moron. Fundamentally, beer itself has been known for centuries (note: I have absolutely no proof, and this statement is most likely false) as the “drink of the working man,” with wine being the choice of those who
prefer "the finer things in life." Like most, I prefer a cold one at any function where alcohol should be a necessity - ranging from barbecue to birthday party to christening after-party (yes, it happens). Hand me a Bud Heavy, Coors Light or a Natty Light and I'm a happy man. On the rare day that I'm looking to treat myself, perhaps ill indulge in a Sam Adams or even an import, like a Caffreys. Alas, these beers mean nothing to the Beer Snob; merely flavored water.

My first encounter with elusive yet illustrious Beer Snob occurred a few weekends ago at a friend's engagement party in NH. I sat down at a table, cold can of Bud Light in hand, when my friend (the host of the party) sat down with an extra large bottle of beer and plastic glasses for each of us. Somewhat estranged by the abnormally large bottle, I
started asking questions about the beer (some Allaghash brewed in old bourbon casks or something). Cue the beer snob, who at that point was in earshot of my voice, and was clearly the purchaser of said libation. Comedy ensued.

In light of my experience, figured the best thing I could do is provide a list of telltale signs that you have encountered a Beer Snob:

1. Typically dressed in the clothes of a hipster. You know the style - somewhat shaggy hair, black architect style glasses, usually wearing a t-shirt he either bought at goodwill, or bought brand new that attempts to look like a shirt one bought at goodwill, only for $20+.

2. Brings his own beer to a party. Depending upon the beer snob, he will either bring only enough beer to serve himself, or if he's generous, enough bottles to provide his "friends" with a taste as well.

It should be noted that, more often than not, the bottle larger than most beer bottles - 24 ounces or larger is standard for a Beer Snob beer. This is definitely a prerequisite.

3. When excitedly informing you about the type of beer he brought, scoffs at the notion that you aren't familiar with the brewery or beer itself. Do not be discouraged at this point made by the Beer Snob - you should not know about the name of some beer brewed by 2 brothers in the basement of their mother’s home in Moscow, Idaho.

4. As mentioned above, if generous, Beer Snob will provide samples to passers by and the like. Upon asking for your thoughts, if one does not act if he just sipped from the Holy Grail, it will elicit one of two reactions from the Beer Snob, both being lose-lose situations for the taster:

1. He will become incredibly angry, begin nodding his head in disgust, and tell you "thanks for wasting my beer. Have fun going back to drinking your water...I mean Bud Light.”

2. He will become incredibly angry, begin nodding his head in disgust, actually pull the rest of your sample from right in front of you and pour it back into his own glass, and tell you "thanks for wasting my beer. Have fun going back to drinking your water....I mean Bud Light." Note: although this seems somewhat extreme, it is not as uncommon a reaction as one would suppose for a Beer Snob.

This brings me to the long-awaited answer to the age-old question, “What should I do in case I encounter a Beer Snob?” In short, I advise you do one of two things:

1. RUN…..fast.

2. Sit back and enjoy the experience. Go ahead – act as ignorant as you possibly can to the rhetoric spewing from the Beer Snob, and attempt to instigate him to be even more irritable and snobby than usual.

If you want my opinion, I’d suggest you allow the Beer Snob to do what he does and soak it all in, as you would a fine wine….or, in my case, a fine Natty Light.

Dave & Tim

So lately, I've been indulging myself in the music of yesteryear (a little used word, in my opinion - I'm bringing it back!) - I've been listening to a lot of Dave Matthews Band; more specifically, the "Dave & Tim Reynolds" acoustic stuff. I haven't found any underlying reason for this current phase besides a pure appreciation for the music, but I'm sure my psychiatrist would tell you otherwise.

Anyways, I've started to notice a trend amongst the fans at these concerts - they clearly have developed this fascination of the use of marijuana references. Whenever Dave mentions anything revolving around the "Celtic Green" (as one of my pothead friends calls it) the crowd simply ERUPTS in cheer, screaming and ranting and raving (and presumably, waving lighters around as well?). Examples:

1. In Crush, the line "Sitting, smoking, feeling high" emits such a roar from the crowd that you would have thought we found out the French just stormed the Bastille.

2. In When the World Ends, the line "We'll be burning one" gets the exact same response.

I get it, folks - you smoke weed too. Though I don't exactly understand what message you are trying to convey here. I've narrowed it down to a couple different understandings:

A. The crowd wants Dave Matthews to not that they smoke marijuana as well, and like it as much as he does, and is saying "see - we are a lot like you!"

B. The members of the crowd cheering to the weed references want to make sure other fans know that they, in fact, smoke weed. By the process of deduction, this equates a certain level of "coolness" to them, and separates them from the "other, non-cool" fans.

So here's my question - is this phenomenon unique of Dave Matthews Band loving crowds, or does it happen at all concerts? I can't imagine people cheering every time (3 times in all) Tom Petty says "Let's get to the point...let's roll another joint" in You Don't Know How it Feels. I mean, isn't that a little overkill? After the first cheer, I would think that the pro-weed cheer kind of loses its allure. I mean, do you think every time Snoop refers to "Smoking endo, sipping on gin and juice," his crowd starts screaming like a pack of girls who spot Justin Timberlake on the street (note: you could also replace "pack of girls" with my 29 year old male, straight roommate, but that's another story)? Pretty sure Joe Fan isn't sitting there saying "Wait a minute, Bob - we like Bombay Sapphire as well - start clapping!!" Alas, this is all speculation, as I don't really have any real information to go by, unfortunately....

Is it possible this says something about the Dave Matthews Band fanbase? What about marijuana users in general? Is it possible I need to cut down on my carbohydrates (I guess that's a personal question)? I do not want to opine on any of this, so please feel free to make your own judgments.

ps - Did I catch you with the psychiatrist comment? I bet I did! I don't really have a psychiatrist.....seriously - if you want proof, just ask my psychologist.

Next Time, Leave Your Ladles in the Kitchen

I know I haven't posted for a while, so I thought this short post could provide a sparkplug for me to start writing again. Also, I couldn't go without making sure my fellow readers got as much enjoyment out of this article as I did. I mean, who's this guy think he is? An Asian Emeril Lagasse?? (Note: that was my "cubicle worker who does stand up comedy at the local club every other Friday" joke)

Also, please note the pun at the end of the article. I have put it in bold, and am pretty sure that it was not meant to be a pun in such a serious news clip.....

TOKYO -- A veteran sumo wrestler who attacked a junior grappler with a cooking utensil has been ordered to take a salary cut for his violent outburst.

Toyozakura, whose ladle-wielding assault left the 18-year-old victim bleeding and needing eight stitches, will take a 30 percent pay cut for three months, Japanese sumo officials said on Thursday.

The same punishment was meted out to gym chief Magaki for beating a junior wrestler with a bamboo sword in the latest in a series of incidents that has tarnished sumo's image.

Toyozakura, 34, apologized after admitting he used a ladle to hit the apprentice on the head.

"I asked him to do something, which I don't remember exactly, but he couldn't do it," Toyozakura said, according to Agence France-Presse.

Sumo dates back some 2,000 years and retains many Shinto religious overtones, but the sport has been plagued by scandal in recent months.

Violent hazing, or beating during training, has long been seen as customary, contributing to the sport's struggle to attract new recruits. But there was a public outcry over the death last year of a teenage apprentice who was beaten with a beer bottle and a baseball bat.

Japan's government has weighed in on the issue, ordering sumo officials to clean up their act.

The (Socially Inappropriate) Bucket List

Sorry for the short (read: month or so) hiatus, but I have been traveling a bit and have not had a lot of time for bloggery. This includes traveling up the coast of California for 10 days, and attending 2 different weekend-long weddings (one of which I will have a blog recap about). Over the course of the past weeks, I have had a couple offers for guest blogging, but I guess it just hasn't worked out yet. The funny thing is, I'm not exactly sure if anyone pays attention to this blog, so it's almost a farce to decide to have someone actually "guest blog" on this.

So I don't know anything about this movie called "The Bucket List" besides the fact that it stars Morgan Freeman (as Morgan Freeman) and Jack Nicholson (as some rich man), two men who are both about to die and decide to live the rest of their days attempting to accomplish any and every feat they have ever wanted. This involves riding a motorcycle, going sky diving, going to a brothel, eating cod, and, hopefully, dying (I cannot confirm any of these are on the actual Bucket List, as I've never seen the film).

Fast forward a few days....keeping with this "Bucket List" theme, I recently heard a great story about this gentlemen in his mid-thirties who decided to quit his job on a whim and begin attempting to accomplish 50 different things he wants accomplish before he gets a new job. Apparently, he was on "Good Morning America" one day, and Matt Lauer (who I still believe killed a man in self defense, but have found no proof to defend this) or someone decided to assist him in reaching one of his goals - to tell Donald Trump "You're Fired!" His number one goal, I believe, is to ride an ostrich, which I thought was pretty funny.

Now, I guess I could make a real bucket list of 50 things I want to accomplish before I die, but I think all of you know this - I'm well too lazy for that.....so I came up with just a few things I'd like to do off the top of my head.

So without further ado, the following is a supposed "bucket list" of things perceived by the majority as "socially inappropriate" that I would like to do in the near future. As you will soon notice, the word "accomplish" just does not seem like the right word to use in this context:

- Start yelling absolute nonsense at the top of my lungs in a quiet presentation and/or while a teacher is conducting class

-Rent space on a highway billboard to put up a phrase and a picture which have no connection whatsoever Something such as a billboard that says: "My hands are dirty" and then has a huge picture of a leather reclining La-Z-Boy chair. Something which will really make "Joe Driver" look at the picture and think "WHAT the hell did I just drive by??" Admittedly, Rob Dyrdek of "Rob & Big" fame beat me to the punch on the whole billboard purchase idea, but they used it a little differently than I would have (please watch the show for further explanation)

-Be "That Guy" at a urinal that lets out a loud, lengthy sigh of relief in a very serious manner as he urinates. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.....it's almost as if it's the first time he has urinated in over 3 years, and its the best feeling he's ever had. Bonus points if I use my right hand to lean on the wall in front of me as I'm urinating - however, the hand leaning is a truly experienced measure, and not for amateurs

-While in line getting my items checked at a large grocery store, yell out the name of each and every food product which the employee picks up and scans - once again, at the top of my lungs. For example: "BANANA! CHEX MIX! FRUIT LOOPS! CREST MINT TOOTHPASTE WITH WHITENING! SPAGHETTI SAUCE WITH BASIL AND GARLIC"

-Purchase a raunchy pornographic magazine and read it on a plane/bus/train. It is important that I treat said magazine as if I were reading a Newsweek or Forbes

-Jump onto a field during a baseball game and steal 2nd base, fully utilizing a head-first slide. Note: I would only do this if the game were a blowout (and, more than likely, a minor league game), otherwise it would simply be a detriment to the game of baseball.

As I stated, these are just a few things off the top of my head. I'm sure I would have many more if I took a little more time to really ponder this.

Social Etiquette

Although some people may refer to me as a bit socially awkward (admittedly, I have never been able to understand this), I still feel like my mother raised me properly in terms of proper etiquette in a social situation. For instance, I present to you the following few examples:

- I always allow women to enter the elevator before me.

- I always say "bless you" (though I can't pull the "god bless you," as I feel like it borders on religious doctrine) or "to your good health" or "you are so good looking" after someone sneezes.

-I always make sure women order before me in a restaurant.

-I always turn the lights on before entering a room (on second thought...perhaps this is just more common sense than etiquette).

-I write thank you notes or provide gifts when staying at other peoples' homes (full disclosure: only when parents are involved).

As I hope you perceive, this list runs on and on.

However, there is one social behavior that I still haven't learned the correct answer to, if any. Allow myself to explain....myself??

Here is the conundrum (I wish I could visually display this with a picture or a diagram): As you walk out of a building, there are 3 different doors you must walk through, all separated by a maximum distance of about 1-3 feet each. You are not walking alone, however - there is always someone directly in front of you passing through each of these doors as well. Assuming this person (who, in order to maintain a level of anonymity, I will refer to as "Marock Mobama") follows proper etiquette norms, they willingly and patiently hold every door for you as you walk behind them through each. Now, here's my question - WHEN DO YOU SAY "THANK YOU" to the door holder? Here are a few different scenarios:

1. You say "thank you" only after the 1st door - but wouldn't you look like a total asshole if you don't say "thank you" for the other two?

2. You hold off your "thank you's" until you reach the 3rd door - but wouldn't the person lose motivation to hold the 2nd and 3rd doors for you? He/she would perceive you're taking his/her actions for granted, and potentially stop the door-holding process after the 2nd door (as you may be able to tell, a pet peeve of mine is people that do not say "thank you" to me for holding the door, just assuming I am supposed to for them.)

3. You say "thank you" only after the 2nd door, and do not pay your respects, so to say, after the 1st and 2nd door - now this is just ridiculous. If someone does this, there's a little something else wrong with you than just poor etiquette.

4. You say "thank you" after each door - but isn't this a little niceness overkill? I mean, do you really need to say three "thank you's" within three seconds? I always feel somewhat uncomfortable doing this, though I usually use this routine more often than not; it's just safer.

Come to think of it, this also goes for one of my prior examples - what if it's a double, or even the dreaded triple sneeze? Do you wait until after multiple sneezes to give the old sneeze response? Or do you pull the old rapid fire "bless you" after each explosion?

These, my friends, are the important questions which need to be answered.

Note: Why did you assume that Barock Obama was the person walking in front of me?? It wasn't him; it's just a name....

"Don't Make Me Wash Your Sheets...."

In my never-ending search of trying to find old Saturday Night Live skits on the interweb, I came across a new site by the name of Hulu. Apparently a competitor with youtube, Hulu has an vast array of full television shows and even movies. Looking for the full length feature film "Dude Where's My Car?" Hulu. Trying to find recreate journal entries from old episodes of Doogie Howser? Hulu. Repeats of Temptation Island? Hulu. The list goes on and on. I seriously could spend hour after hour on this thing, but I'd probably need to quit my job. I highly recommend that you spend some time on the website to find out its wonders by yourself.

So, one of the clips I found needs absolutely no introduction. Let me state beforehand, however, that I was not all too impressed with the selection of SNL skits, but at least it had more than any other website I have found. I guess beggars can't be choosers, eh?

Alas, I present you with a personal favorite, "The Herlihy Boy":



Enjoy

Women's NIT update

So we are into the Elite 8 of the women's NIT tournament, and most of our brackets are officially busted. Unofficially, Roommate Dan has won the pool, and thus, will gain remote control privileges for the week once the tournament ends.

Today, there was an extremely important and exciting game on the schedule. No, I'm not talking about Davidson vs Kansas. The game of the week was a nailbiter between Michigan and Michigan State. The Lady Spartans pulled out a 45-40 win in overtime, which was a vital win for me. Basically, I'm in dead last place, I am the only person left in the whole pool who has a team still active (MSU), and the only way which I don't finish in last place is if the Lady Spartans win the NIT championship. I'll be honest with you, fellow readers - I don't WANT to lose couch privileges all week. Missing out on gmail and facebook are substantial losses as well - don't get me wrong....but sitting on the floor for a full week? I'll have to get a ruling on whether or not pillows are technically part of the "couch".....

Looks like I should start memorizing the official MSU fight song from this point on......

On the banks of the Red Cedar,
There's a school that's known to all;
Its specialty is winning,
And those Spartans play good ball;
Spartan teams are never beaten,
All through the game they'll fight;
Fight for the only colors:
Green and White.

Go right through for MSU,
Watch the points keep growing,
Spartan teams are bound to win,
They're fighting with a vim!
Rah! Rah! Rah!
See their team is weakening,
We're going to win this game,
Fight! Fight! Rah! Team, Fight!
Victory for MSU!

"Language Lessons....

Inspiring words from a man who knows how to ski."
-Better Off Dead

I completely agree that this quote has nothing to do with my blog entry, but are you really gonna blame me for trying to work a lesser known quote (which should be known) into my repertoire?

Not sure if any of you fellow Bostonians have noticed, but as a a daily public transportation commuter, I like to take some time every morning to try to notice whatever new advertisements may pop up on my commute (it is duly noted that the advertisements do not change all too often).

One advertisement which always brings up inner controversy is by the Boston Language Institute, which is apparently a language school around town. The main selling point of the Boston Language Institute, courtesy of the advertisements, is "Learn Swahili." Well, I have to admit, I have somewhat of a problem with this:

Out of all the languages to promote, you go with Swahili? What? If you want to go with a lesser known, lesser utilized language, why don't you just try to promote Sanskrit (PCU reference duly noted)? I mean, is it simply wrong to endorse the education of a language which will actually prove to be a resource to you, such as Spanish or French? I'd be better off learning Latin - at least I'd be able to figure out the etymology of words in a quicker fashion, or at least would have been able to score a little higher on my SAT scores. I mean, perhaps I'd finally be able to figure out what Semper Fi means.....

If you really wanna impress us commuters with the fact that you have a staff with a tremendous knowledge of more obscure languages, why not promote Cantonese in your advertisements? I mean, there are hundreds of different dialects of that language. That would impress me.....but Swahili??

"We Got Next"

Is there a more exciting athletic event than March Madness? For a college basketball fan, there's arguably no better time to watch hour after hour of games - I mean, who doesn't get excited watching some small conference team upset one of the big boys (think BUCKNELL beating powerhouse Kansas in 2005)? Now, if you equate equate the official "start" of March Madness Thursday of the first weekend, I have something I need to tell you - you're wrong; any real basketball fans knows it's Wednesday.

Still no clue what I'm talking about yet? Well, I'll let you out on a little-known secret: Wednesday of that same week is the beginning of the Women's NIT tournament, i.e., the real start of March Madness. For the rare reader who is unfamiliar with the Women's NIT tournament (an absolutely blasphemous offense), allow me to explain: It is the "championship" tournament held for NCAA Division 1 women's basketball teams that cannot even make the real women's NCAA tournament. Looking for the Prairie View vs Texas State women's matchup? You're in luck - just start following the Women's NIT. I've got some bad news though....there's zero chance of finding it on television, and you've got a better chance finding hot nude pictures of Roseanne Barr on the internet than you do finding any Women's NIT coverage on ESPN.com....go ahead, I dare you.

In honor of the magnificent event known as the Women's NIT, my roommates and I have decided to participate in our own Tournament Challenge. Go ahead, fill out your Men's NCAA March Madness brackets and throw away $10 on the office pool, checking the website every so often to make witty comments on the message board to make the girl in the cubicle next to you giggle - we'll stick to the real shit. And to think you call yourself a "bracketologist".....

Don't worry, we wouldn't simply participate in a bracket pool without consequences....allow me to let you in on the stakes:

Winner receives remote control privileges for a full business week (5 days)

Loser is revoked of couch/chair sitting privileges in the living room for a full week, AND the following (dependent upon who comes in last place):

Billy: No ketchup or mustard use on his salads for 1 week (yes, I said "on his salads")
Avery: Cannot wear glasses/contacts when watching tv upstairs for 1 week
Guy: Cannot eat/make quesadillas for 1 week
Roommate Dan ("RD"): Cannot drink any form of bottled water for 1 week
Matt: Cannot use gmail/gchat/facebook after work hours for 1 week

Note: If you are not familiar with the roommates, let it be known that the loser will sacrifice one of his privileges or vices for a week.

The RPI rankings have been researched, the respective brackets have been filled out with pride, and the trash talking has officially started (if you see me, no need to inform me that I know absolutely nothing about women's college basketball).

Feel free to check in with any of us for updates, but let me warn you - my full attention may not be with you, as I'll most likely be too busy wishing for a strong tourney run by the James Madison University Lady Dukes......

"The Cow"

I'm sure that some of you may be familiar with this story, but I'd like to take this opportunity to enlighten you with one of my favorite stories in the sports world - the story of former Celtic player Dave Cowens. Aside from the fact that I proudly wear my "Dave Cowens Basketball School" shirt any opportunity I can get (No, I didn't attend the camp; I think I picked it up off a roommate in my freshman year of college), we are talking about a great player here. This is a guy who was inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame in 1991, and averaged 15 rebounds per game in his rookie year - and keep in mind he was only 6'9", which qualifies as "really damn short" for someone playing center in the NBA.

Aside from his athletic prowess, its what he did off the court which really piqued my interest. Example No. 1 - after the Boston Celtics beat the Milwaukee Bucks in the 1974 NBA Finals, Cowens decided to sleep on a park bench in Boston Common after a full night of partying. I realize it was the 70's so things were a bit different, but a park bench, Dave? Really?

Example No. 2 - In 1977, Cowens decided that he was "burnt out" with the sport of basketball, and announced that he was simply taking a leave of absence from the Boston Celtics. What did he decide to do when he wasn't playing basketball, you ask? Just what any other elite professional athlete would do with their free time - DRIVE A TAXI IN BOSTON. That's right - he became a cabbie. Can you imagine hailing a cab at 2 AM after a lengthy date with a few too many Miller High Lifes (nothing but the "champagne of beer" for this guy), hopping in, and hearing Kevin Garnett in the driver's seat ask you what exit to take off Storrow Drive?? Wouldn't you be a bit surprised in the least? This is essentially the best 2008 equivalent of what was happening back in 1977. In these times when most athletes believe they are keen entrepreneurs, (please pick up the rap cd's of Chris Webber, Kobe Bryant or Ron Artest if you don't know what I'm talking about), I just find this story absolutely hilarious.

Eveybody always talks about Bill Walton as being the epitome of the "free spirit" in the NBA - I mean, he definitely had his quirks about him - he rode a friggin bike to his games in college, was heralded for following around The Grateful Dead in the offseason, and was known to partake in a certain extracurricular activity which is perfectly legal......in Amsterdam. But why doesn't Dave Cowens get any attention?? Well, folks, put it on the record that I'm behind "The Cow."

The Next Sean Landeta?

There comes a time in everyone's life when he needs to come to grips with himself about the fact that he may not, in fact, see one of his pipe dreams become reality. After thinking long and hard about this, it is with much regret that I, at 27 years old, have decided to acknowledge the fact that I will never become a professional athlete. Now I know some of you may may be currently thinking something along the lines of the following (I'll provide you with a few options):

"Shouldn't he have figured this out when he peaked as an athlete at 15?"

"I wonder if this thought came across his mind when he couldn't break a 6 minute mile in high school."

"I have seen him play _______ (insert sport of choice here. Possible options: high school soccer/tennis, virtually any intramural sport in college)..."

Don't get me wrong here, folks - I am not completely unathletic (I still claim that I could have easily played a Division III sport at my college); its just that I am conscious of the fact that there are numerous people far superior to me in terms of athleticism, and I'm ok with that. Will I blame some of that on genetics? You're damn right I will. You try being a nasty basketball player when your father is almost 5'7" and is pushing 150 lbs. when soaking wet.

That being said, I think a few of my fellow readers, whether you would like to admit it or not, are in that same boat as me. That's precisely why I would argue that its time to move on and think of bigger and better things. My rhetoric today, readers, is that you need to start thinking about what professional sport you would like your child to be when he grows up. Keep in mind, I'm not asking anyone to rush things and try to procreate with the first person you see....we've got a fair amount of time on our hands, folks. Although, the devil's advocate would state that perhaps it would be advantageous to have as many children as possible, as at least you have numbers working on your side. On second thought, let's wait and see how it works for Travis Henry.....

First off, in full disclosure, if I had a daughter I would NOT want her to attempt to become a professional athlete, no matter what the sport. Instead, I would like her to take up something in the creative arts; perhaps writing, or painting. This is solely because I do not want to be involved in any situation where my daughter can potentially beat me at a sport. Is this a completely sexist thought process? Absolutely. Is this true for most men? Confirmed as well.

Though I fully believe that my son will, in fact, excel as a professional athlete, I like to think that I am a realist as well. I mean, I'm not asking him to be the next Tom Brady, or even the next Kevin Millar.....it needs to be a position and/or sport where one can sneak through the cracks with as little athletic ability as possible. In light of these thoughts, let's scratch these potential positions off the list (however B-level they are):

Professional Bowler? Still requires a high level of talent, and not sexy enough anyways.

Backup QB? Well too much talent/athleticism necessary

Left Handed Relief Pitcher? Yes folks, unfortunately even Mike Myers and Jesse Orosco have an undeniably high talent level. You try throwing an 85+ MPH fastball in the strike zone at 55 years old.

After thinking long and hard, I have chosen that my future child will become a PUNTER in the NFL. It doesn't require a high level of athleticism, and I feel that if I start training him early, he will be light years ahead of all other punters in terms of development - I mean, who actually starts practicing as a punter unless they are forced into the position in high school? No one willingly becomes a punter, do they? That's the difference - my kid is gonna be given a football at 5, and won't even learn how to throw the damn thing. Plus, I just can't imagine its that hard to kick a football up in the air 35+ yards about 4 times a game, is it (note: this is different than a FG kicker)?

Now all I need is to convince him somehow that being a punter is "cool," which could actually be quite problematic.....oh, and I guess having a kid at some point could be a requirement as well.

Gene Siskel is Turning in His Grave

So lately there has been a lot of conversation among the roommates involving a list of Top 5 movies, and this has really gotten us contemplating our thoughts on what our Top 5 would shape up to be. Naturally, I've decided this would be the perfect forum to list my top 5 to my hundreds of thousands of readers.

First, I'd like to note that the following list is a list of my "5 Favorite Movies." These movies are defined as ones which I can put on at any time and enjoy without fail. Please note that this list is different than a list of "Top 5 movies," which, by my definition, is a list of movies that you think you'll sound intelligent and intellectual by listing when you tell other people (undoubtedly, movies such as "Citizen Kane," "Casablanca," and "Apocalypse Now" would be on this list out of necessity) - I am not the IFI, and don't plan on being.

Also, please note that this is not a listing of my 5 favorite movies that actually moved me to elicit emotions (extremely tough), nor is it my 5 favorite comedies (Caddyshack, Airplane, Lebowski, etc.), as I could create separate lists for each of these, and a host of other categories as well. There are also movies which I thought were absolutely outstanding, but I could not willingly admit that I would be able to watch numerous times and maintain the same level of appreciation for them (Half Nelson, Hotel Rwanda, Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, The Departed immediately come to mind)

The following is my list of 5 Favorite Movies, in no order of importance.

1. A River Runs Through It
2. Good Will Hunting
3. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (only film to make it out of my "top comedies" list
4. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
5. The Royal Tenenbaums

This list is definitely not final, as I'm sure I could have put a lot more thought into it.

Since we are on the subject, I'd like to take a page from one of my favorite new websites, Stuff White People Like, and talk about a few movies which I think people feel like they have to like.

Reservoir Dogs
Pulp Fiction (and, on the whole, any film by Quentin Tarantino)
The Usual Suspects

Now don't get me wrong - I've seen all three of these movies, and I think they're all relatively decent. In fact, extra kudos goes to Usual Suspects, though the allure of Kaiser Soze loses some of its luster after the 1st viewing, as we all know he was not actually picking coffee beans in Guatemala....and yes, that could be the only time in my life I utilize the word "kudos." I now feel like I'm an 8th grade drama club teacher.

Why do people always list these movies in their top 5? Because its cool to do so. Yes, I am fully aware that Pulp Fiction was nominated for 7 Oscars and The Usual Suspects was nominated for 2 as well, but I would argue that these are not, in fact, the reasons as to why people enjoyed the films. These films are all somewhat unique in terms of plot development (think "Memento"), and they all involve relatively intelligent hit men/criminals acting like "normal," rational human beings. I don't buy it for a minute. People who like these films think they are inherently more intelligent than those who don't, because the one's who don't like these movies must only like the mainstream shit (example: "Have fun watching The DaVinci Code"). Admittedly, we all have our quirks: I am a big fan of Charlie Kaufman screenplays, as I enjoy "Being John Malkovich" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," but am I a dick to people who "Just don't get them"? Nope....I'll leave that to the entire hipster population.

Now that I've given my "Favorite 5" and also shit (does "shit" have a past tense? shitted? shat?) on 3 of, most likely, all of my readers' favorite movies, let's make this puppy go interactive. Feel free to either A. Belittle my choices and/or opinions, or B. Provide your own Favorite 5

How (Not) to Land a Girl

Alright, so we all know that each guy has his own way of picking up a girl. Some guys are always on the lookout for a relationship, some guys are just looking for a perfect (or imperfect...some are not very picky) night. As for my group of friends, their differing styles definitely cover the WHOLE spectrum.

Just to name a few, the following is a short list of strategies used by some of my friends:

-The guy who simply sits back at the bar and lets the girls come to him (note: this methodology only works for a few people).

-The guy who puts his hand on the girl's back or around her waist within 5 seconds of speaking with her, and is the hardest worker I've seen in a long time.

-The guy who acts innocent and either A. puts his hands in his backpockets (to enhance his look of innocence) or B. uses a backpack as a "prop" whenever speaking to the girl

-The guy who drops that he was the captain of his prep school lacrosse team as early as he possibly can in the conversation

As for me, I have not yet developed unique style. However, in a non-bar setting, I definitely lean towards the "guy who carries a book around everywhere he goes so people think he is intellectual" look. For those who don't know me (though I'm pretty sure you are not reading this blog if you don't), you will quickly see this is a complete facade within 5 minutes of conversation.

Anyways, allow me to proceed to the whole point of this pointless dribble: One of my roommates (obviously to remain nameless) has a strategy which he believes will allow women to uncover his "sensitive side" - he keeps cassette tapes of the soundtrack for the following films in his car at all times (one always being in his actual tape player):

Aladdin

The Little Mermaid

Note: I can also go on record to state that he knows the lyrics, verbatim, of each of these soundtracks.

Now who am I to judge one's strategy to get women, or, more importantly, which one of these is in fact the "better" soundtrack.....though I do have a soft spot in my heart for "Prince Ali is not my Ali a ba ba," as I'd love to find out what an Ali a ba ba exactly is.

Now, there are a few faults with this technique, to say the least. Here, in my eyes, are the 3 most important:

1. His car is like a 1997 ford taurus. The only girl who would be impressed to get into a car like this would not even be worth it. The line "wanna hop into my Taurus and go for a ride" just doesn't roll off the tongue very easily. Its pretty much equivalent to saying you own a 20 year old chevy cavalier station wagon....not that I know anyone who owned one of those.....

2. Folks, we are talking about the owning the soundtracks to Disney movies by a 25 year old straight male. Perhaps it'd be fine if you were trying to pick up Clay Aiken, but for some reason I feel like a girl may question your sexuality instead of finding your "sensitive side."

3. It's also highly likely that the possession of casette tapes (and, with that, the ownership of a cassette tape player) may be a dealbreaker from the start. Please reference point # 1.

Though he has not yet used this technique in the greater Boston area, I cannot wait to see the success rate of it. I'd love a few trial runs. In the (unbelievable) event that cranking "Under the Sea" with the windows open as he is driving through the suburbs with a pretty lady next to him actually works, you'll be able to find me in the front of the line at Best Buy clutching on to my soon to be purchased The Lion King soundtrack.

The Gauntlet 2/20

Welcome back, kids. My trip to Central America was amazing. If you wanna see any pics, feel free to ask. You can also find all my pictures at www.mattingautemala.com (simply click on the link).

Anyways, got a chance to watch this week's episode of The Gauntlet tonight. As always (with my "track record" being only one previous entry on show, but who's counting?), here are my thoughts on this week's show in no order of importance:

- I don't wanna steal any thunder from The Sports Guy, but honestly guys, how many times are you gonna use "trim the fat" as a Gauntlet strategy phrase?? I feel like there should be a tally system or some type of counter in the corner of the screen to simply get a reading on the usage of this phrase. Seriously? Trim the fat?

-One of my ever-standing questions: How much time is there between challenges? I mean, is there an event every day, or do they have like a week off in between them to get blackout drunk every night (ie. long enough for Derek to think Paula is actually "cool" and attractive).

-I love how the beginning of the show started out with an absolute bang. That Katie cracks me up every time. I think we all know now that katie "hates a fucking liar!!" And does anyone have a solid answer as to why she holds her arms behind her back when she's screaming?? I mean, she does this without fail. Its like she is trying to do the "Superman" dance or something (excuse the Soulja Boy reference).

-Is it me, or is MJ looking more and more like Sideshow Bob each day?

-Can we talk about how the veterans blew the 1st mission? I mean, they were honestly trying to be subtle? Danny was running around in circles, and they decided that if they kept yelling at each other at the top of their lungs, it would make the girls think they were working as hard as possible? If I'm gonna blow a mission, I'm gonna do it in style. I'm gonna show up absolutely hammered, rip my shirt off, and challenge TJ Lavin to a BMX-off. Thing is, there will most likely be no bikes available, I'll start calling him "Cowboy", and I have zero clue what a "BMX-off" is. But I digress....

-I never knew that if you think about a nightmare you had over the course of the night before noon, it will come true. Thanks, Paula. The more you know....


-Who is Tori?

-I'm starting to get a real kick out of Kenny and Evan's running joke involving hiding and then popping out of nowhere whenever a clue comes on the sidekick. Its great they are making a complete mockery of this.

-I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if that wheel for the gauntlet was rigged. Yeah, I said it....I mean, the emaciated gay guy who is 100 lbs soaking wet vs Derek in….hmmm….lets see – the PUZZLE challenge. I mean, the dude complained about his FINGERTIPS hurting…I think I saw him wearing a “Live Strong” bracelet on his bicep. How can it even get up there??

Lastly, I'd like to update my top 3 girls and guys:

GIRLS
1. Casey (on a sidenote, is it ok to fall in love with a character on The Gauntlet? now that Kendall is MIA, I have a new love interest)

2. Robin - her boobs aren't getting any smaller, and it seems like she's the only one on the veterans that can actually get a tan

3. Katie - I really enjoy her screaming; its just funny

GUYS
1a and 1b. Evan and Kenny (see above)

2. Anyone but Frank

3. Anyone but Adam (excluding Frank)

Hobby Hunting??

In a conscious effort to be more "social" with my co-workers, I asked one of my newer colleagues if she had any fun plans for the weekend. With a big smile on her face, she excitedly told me that her and her boyfriend were headed to the National Belt Sander Racing Championships.



Unfortunately, I'm not kidding about this. Without even asking her to repeat what she just said, I simply replied "oh, that sounds like fun," and thought to myself "Are we in Russia?" Its true, folks, there is a nationwide competition where people RACE the same objects that they use to build a house. Kinda makes me think, what kind of competitions can one think up using only a level?

Back to belt sander racing. Obviously, there are your standard Belt Sander racing questions - "Is there a maximum weight for a belt sander?" "What type of sandpaper do you use?" "How does one "soup up" a belt sander (think putting a big spoiler and really loud exhaust on an Acura Integra to "get a few more horses")?" "What design would I use for my belt sander?" More importantly, WHAT TYPE OF PERSON ATTENDS BELT SANDER RACING COMPETITIONS?? I'd love to go to one of these events and be a real part of the action. The experience must be like none other - plus they sell beer....

Which brings me to my next topic - MONSTER TRUCK RACING. Now, I'm willing to bet that everyone has seen this at some point on tv in their lives (Who doesn't remember Bigfoot??). Well, I'm not sure about you, but I've always wanted to attend one of these events. And this passion has only gotten stronger the older I get for some reason. Funny thing is, I couldn't even care less about cars in general. I mean, I was only a year away from being eligible to get Antique plates on my 1985 station wagon before it mysteriously disappeared (my dad needed a "tax deduction," apparently). But I keep seeing these commercials for this MONSTER JAM, and I really can't get enough. Don't lie to me - you get excited to0 - how can you not get excited with that announcer giving the old "SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only need THE EDGE!" in the bass voice. But simply going to Monster Jam (Worcester, MA Feb 15-17) isn't enough - I want to fully immerse myself in the experience. I need to dress like absolute white trash, get the trucker hat (the non-Ashton Kutcher version...), a nice pair of tight stonewashed jeans, and to top it off, at least 3 flasks full of cheap as shit whiskey. I wanna be hammered and screaming when those trucks race, or crush those cars really loudly, or do whatever they do......

I can't wait for the day when my Belt Sander racegoing (is that a word?) co-worker asks me "you doing anything fun this weekend?" I'll wait a beat, look her right in the eyes with an ear to ear smile on my face, and tell her "I'll be at Monster Jam." Now that, my friends, is how you one-up somebody....

On a serious note, Just What You Expected will be on hiatus for the upcoming week, as its acclaimed author will be occupied with trying to not get kidnapped while spending a week in Gautemala. Please do not hesitate to email me if you would like to guest-blog.

The Gauntlet

I realize I'm a little late in terms of throwing my hat in the mix, but I wanted to take a little time to discuss one of my favorite time wasters, the Real World vs Road Rules Gauntlet. Ah yes, its that time of year again...actually, isn't one of these shows on ALL the time on MTV? SPOILER ALERT

So I'll leave the episode recap to my good friend's new blog, as this forum will be more of a commentary of the episode on the whole. I figure it's better to do this in a stream of consciousness format, as thats the way my mind works most of the time anyways. I apologize in advance that there are no pictures or anything, but its past midnight on a weekday, I've had a bit to drink, and I'd like to get to bed early.

- Who exactly is Jillian? Am I getting senile in my old age, or is she one of those weird "Road Rules" people from last season?

-Is it me, or has Robin gotten progressively hotter over the years?

-Am I the only person who misses Dorrell's funny vernacular? I mean, I've never had more fun listening to someone than when Dorell used to say the word "Inferno"

-Has anyone on this show ever heard of sunblock? Its quite possible that everyone stored this on their carry on, and got it taken away from them at the security checkpoint. Perhaps they don't sell this "sunblock" stuff in Mexico?

-The first challenge - I'm not even sure what to say or how to react. A laundry challenge? Are you serious? So you have to run into the ocean, get a white linen shirt wet, run it back, give it to someone to send across a line, then ring it out. Amazing. Can I get this 3 minutes of my life back? And is there a strategy involved? Absolutely not.

-BROOKE: Is she not the worst real world/road rules challenge character ever? There is so much to talk about with her, but I'll try to only touch the important points. First, she gets called out that she is a "bad soaker" (see notes above on challenge). This reminds me of the "So you wanna be my latex salesman" quote by seinfeld - you connect the dots on that one. Not to mention the fact that she comes into the show being a fake lesbian (even Coral called her out on this one). Then she does miserably in the Gauntlet (as we knew), and drops the L bomb on Ev after she loses?? I also loved the fact that Evelyn was so angry after Brooke left that she needed to do PUSHUPS by the pool. I've never been so angry that I've resulted to pushups. Situps maybe, but pushups are simply ridiculous.

-How off is Nehemiah with his weights? Before the gauntlet, he drops the line that Brooke has 70 pounds over Jillian. SEVENTY pounds? I'd give her 40 at most, but thats it. And I feel like this isn't the 1st time he's made a ludicrous weight comment. Is he measuring in Stones or something?

-The 2nd challenge (the maze thing) - how was this even fair?? Typically, when a team is short people (i.e. the Rookies), they need to have some people go twice in order to balance things off with the other team. Why then, in this challenge, did the rookies get to only race 11 people through the maze, while the wiley Veterans had to race 15? My conspiracy theory is that the MTV producers realized there would be absolutely no parity between the teams if they didn't do this, and did not want the Veterans to go 5-0. How did the Vets not raise any objections to their boy TJ Lavin?

Lastly, I'm going to try and list my favorite 3 guys and girls from the challenge. I'd like to update this each week, but we'll see what happens [read: I'll forget a week from now]

Favorite Girls

1. Casey: hot blonde, closet slut, and I find it funny that she got fake boobs with her winnings from the last challenge, but still only has like a b cup (not complaining)

2. Johanna: hot latina. aside from that, I don't really care for her

3. Katie: pretty funny, I enjoy her backstabbing tactics, uber-bitchy and prone to get in screaming fights, and smokes at least 4 packs a day in my opinion

Honorable Mention #1 - Janelle: Because she's hot, and cause she called Tyler out last week about being a douche bag.

Honorable Mention #2 - Coral: also because she's bitchy, and she has X cups.

Favorite Guys (in a non-Brokeback manner)

1. Evan

2. Brad

3. Johnny Bananas

Honorable Mention - Kenny

"5 foot nothin', 100 nothin'"

I guess I'll admit that I've made a couple dumb bets over the course of the last 27 years. Confident in my abilities as a varsity high school soccer player and with the knowledge that Morten Anderson is still kicking field goals in the NFL at the ripe old age of 73, rumor has it that I bet a few people I could kick a 35 yard field goal in 5 tries. Well, not only did I miss it, but then became completely emasculated/embarrassed/insert gay joke here when not only did a friend of mine kick the same 35 yarder, but did so with his opposite foot with no shoe on. To make matters even worse, I couldn't even kick an extra point on the frozen tundra of Belmont High School....

As some of you know, I've argued a few other points which some may see as somewhat "unrealistic." The following are a few of these:

1. I can score a goal, given 5 opportunities, against an NHL goaltender. There has been some debate as to whether or not this is A.) on ice and B.) in a breakaway situation. Though I'm not a good skater (guess that college gym class I took really worked out...), I would like to think that my floor hockey skills rival that of a Wayne Gretzky in New Balances, thus, only a wrist shot would be necessary. Jury is still out on this one - anyone know where I can get an NHL goalie?

2. I can eat 10 clementine oranges in 5 minutes. I conjured up this wager on a Sunday watching football (don't oranges and football go hand in hand?), and I am still fairly confident that I can get this done. What's wrong with a little acidity? I've been known to throw down a 2 liter bottle of OJ in the course of a couple hours when I'm sick, so this should be nothing....and I don't even like orange juice.

3. I can rush for 2 yards in an NFL game. I'll preface it with this - I know full well that I'm not the 2nd coming of Barry Sanders....but give me a HUGE offensive line AND the NFL's best fullback and I can push those chains 2 yards. In hindsight, its highly likely that I break every single bone in my body, rupture my liver (who cares - it probably already looks like that of a 90 year old), and mess up my handsome face (most say I look like a young John Stamos, "only hotter"), but I'll take that 2 yards and the damn game ball....

With respect to this, looks like I just missed out on open tryouts for an Arena League Football team, the Manchester Wolves. It wouldn't be the NFL, but it would certainly be a start....anyone have some football pads I could borrow??

If anyone has any other challenges they would like to put me up to (as my track record of actually achieving them gives you excellent odds), I'd be happy to listen to any and all suggestions.

-Jesse and the Rippers

"Good Eeevening"

So I'm sitting around watching a television station by the name of "MyTV" last night (I'll save that one for another blog entry), and the local weather report pops up. Who is doing the report, you ask? Much to my surprise, it is a blast from my NH past - none other than Al Kaprielian.

Now for those who don't know Al (meaning 2 out of the 3 people that read this blog), I would absolutely be slighting him if I simply said that he was "quirky." Back in the day, I used to watch a channel by the name of WNDS tv 50, better known as "The Winds of New Hampshire." As you would expect a NH channel to be, I could have gotten a clearer picture from a Columbus, Ohio channel during a hurricane using a hanger as an antenna. There was more snow on this channel than Mt. Washington during a blizzard. Did I mention I'll be here all week? Different material at 7 and 9 PM, and try the veal - its great. Ok, enough on that tangent.

Anyways, why was I watching WNDS? CHiPs, of course. I mean, did you SEE the ass Frank Poncherello got? Plus him and Baker were always up to hijinks.... Well, every day during my favorite show, a man by the name of Al did the weather report. It was pretty evident the 1st time I laid my eyes on him that there was something seriously wrong with him. It got to the point where he developed a cult following in NH, and potentially among other states as well (I know MA and ME got WNDS too). I'd be lying to you if I told you I didn't have an autographed picture of Al Kaprielian lying around my bedroom at my parents' house in NH.

Here's a little taste of Al (I'd fast forward to the :35 second mark for a real treat...).




Anyways, its good to see that Al is still on television, and its even better to know that this blog entry has absolutely no conclusion whatsoever because my ADD kicked in.....

Flake

So, being Friday, I decided to loosen myself up a bit in the AM by listening to a little Jack Johnson on the commute into the city from Western Mass (Belmont). In my eyes, there's no more relaxing music than that done by a professional surfer who lives in Hawaii that leads a life 95% of us would covet (the remaining 5% must want to work in snuff movies or something....).

Now I've had this discussion with friends before - Whenever the question "What music would you most like to listen to at a barbecue" pops up, as it does in most normal cocktail party conversations, my answer always reads like this: 1. Any Jack Johnson 2. Jay-Z Unplugged. And sure, most people associate Jack Johnson with surfing, Hawaii, being laid back, etc. What comes to mind to me NOW when I listen to Jack Johnson? Two words: Maui Fever. Clearly there's something wrong with me, folks. I'm not even asking for a 2nd season of the show here - I'll take repeats of the old episodes, for christ sake. Something just draws me to a bunch of high schoolers goofing off in Maui, engaging in as much drama as they possibly can. Perhaps I am trying to live vicariously through them. Why do you taunt me like this, MTV? Why?

From the Jello Pudding Pop to Hip Hop

Considering I don't really know what I'm doing on this blog thing, I'll make this one short and sweet. While perusing my daily links, I came across to one which may be of particular interest. Apparently, our favorite father, Cliff Huxtable, is now working on his own rap album. Yes, take a minute to read that sentence over again; I'm not lying. Yes, he will be rapping only about proper parenting, teen pregnancy, and other social issues, and no profane language will be used.

Honestly, I'm not sure where to start here. The unintentional comedy scale here could be a 15 rating (on the obvious 2-12 scale). The man has got to be 70 something years old. Can you imagine a music video for his 1st single? We've already seen from his Cosby Show days that A. He dances really weird, B. He wears really weird sweaters, and C. he is just kinda weird (Mortimer the pen from "Picture Pages" can confirm this).

Anyways, I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but can you imagine the possibilities? Perhaps a collaboration with Method Man and Redman? Maybe he can get a cameo from Phylicia Rashad to play the part of Mary J. Blige?

In one of Kanye's latest songs, he raps "I didn't go to Hillman; I ain't one of the Cosby's." Well, Kanye, looks like you asked for it.....