Everyone that has gotten a chance to know me, or more importantly, has had the privilege to participate in any type of athletic activity with me, is fairly quick to notice one of my finest traits: I sweat....a lot. I'm sure genetics have a lot to do with this, so unless I find a quick, non-dangerous and cheap solution for the complete removal of sweat glands, I'm out of luck.
Being a born and bred Red Sox fan, I can say that I've gotten a few games under my belt. And I don't think I'm the only one that has noticed one obvious characteristic about our "Greek God of Walks," Kevin Youkilis: he sweats....a lot. Its borderline comical to watch the steady stream of perspiration flow from under his batting helmet as if his head were a faucet. Needless to say, the bald head does not help things.
So one evening I was having a rather intellectual conversation with my friend Shane about my uncanny god-given ability to sweat and our conversation turned to the Red Sox. In a moment of clarity, I argued that no matter how badly Youk sweats, I believe I could, in fact, out-sweat him. And then I did it - I proposed a "Sweat Off" with the All-Star first baseman.
So without further adieu, the following are my proposed rules to the introductory Kevin Youkilis vs Matt Dominici sweat off:
1 - Out of fairness, either I need to shave my head completely, or Youk needs to grow a full head of hair. This will be settled by a best out of 3 match of Rock-Paper-Scissors.
2 - A batting helmet must be worn at all times.
3 - The first event will consist of a 2 mile run. This will also help to establish somewhat of a handicap. Whichever person has a better per mile average will start out with negative sweating points. I believe that Youkilis, being a pro athlete, has a higher threshold for perspiration, and (once again) out of fairness, this needs to be made note of.
4 - The next event will simply be the "Sit and do Nothing" category. This event is somewhat tough to grasp for non Sweat-Off fans: you literally sit on a couch and do nothing for a full hour in 85 degree heat. 100% humidity is a necessity as well.
5 - One can't have a Sweat Off without the fan favorite: a trip on the Green Line from Cleveland Circle to Kenmore Square in a full suit (with batting helmet, obviously). Regulations dictate that the train must be completely full, with the air conditioning broken, and the trip must be taken during the summer months. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then apparently you've never lived in Brookline or Allston/Brighton....
6 - Consume a Super Burrito from Ana's Taqueria absolutely loaded with jalapenos and hot sauce. This could potentially be my downfall; I'm not sure how Youk deals with spicy foods, but I start sweating the second I see a green pepper, let alone a jalapeno. For some reason, I feel like Greeks have a much higher threshold for spicy foods. On second thought, I may be pulling this event from the competition.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon your opinion), these are all the events I could come up with on such short notice. Feel free to add any potential events. However, I don't really see the Sweat Off being much of a spectator sport for some odd reason....though I can't exactly pinpoint why.
As far as an award, hmmm....Well, I guess that the person who sweats more wins title as...person who sweats more?
Bring it on, Youkilis.....
