"5 foot nothin', 100 nothin'"

I guess I'll admit that I've made a couple dumb bets over the course of the last 27 years. Confident in my abilities as a varsity high school soccer player and with the knowledge that Morten Anderson is still kicking field goals in the NFL at the ripe old age of 73, rumor has it that I bet a few people I could kick a 35 yard field goal in 5 tries. Well, not only did I miss it, but then became completely emasculated/embarrassed/insert gay joke here when not only did a friend of mine kick the same 35 yarder, but did so with his opposite foot with no shoe on. To make matters even worse, I couldn't even kick an extra point on the frozen tundra of Belmont High School....

As some of you know, I've argued a few other points which some may see as somewhat "unrealistic." The following are a few of these:

1. I can score a goal, given 5 opportunities, against an NHL goaltender. There has been some debate as to whether or not this is A.) on ice and B.) in a breakaway situation. Though I'm not a good skater (guess that college gym class I took really worked out...), I would like to think that my floor hockey skills rival that of a Wayne Gretzky in New Balances, thus, only a wrist shot would be necessary. Jury is still out on this one - anyone know where I can get an NHL goalie?

2. I can eat 10 clementine oranges in 5 minutes. I conjured up this wager on a Sunday watching football (don't oranges and football go hand in hand?), and I am still fairly confident that I can get this done. What's wrong with a little acidity? I've been known to throw down a 2 liter bottle of OJ in the course of a couple hours when I'm sick, so this should be nothing....and I don't even like orange juice.

3. I can rush for 2 yards in an NFL game. I'll preface it with this - I know full well that I'm not the 2nd coming of Barry Sanders....but give me a HUGE offensive line AND the NFL's best fullback and I can push those chains 2 yards. In hindsight, its highly likely that I break every single bone in my body, rupture my liver (who cares - it probably already looks like that of a 90 year old), and mess up my handsome face (most say I look like a young John Stamos, "only hotter"), but I'll take that 2 yards and the damn game ball....

With respect to this, looks like I just missed out on open tryouts for an Arena League Football team, the Manchester Wolves. It wouldn't be the NFL, but it would certainly be a start....anyone have some football pads I could borrow??

If anyone has any other challenges they would like to put me up to (as my track record of actually achieving them gives you excellent odds), I'd be happy to listen to any and all suggestions.

-Jesse and the Rippers