"I Don't Drink Merlot!!"

Its ok to admit it - every one of you has that friend (or nemesis) that you affectionately refer to as the "Wine Snob." This the guy who spends an inordinate amount of time swilling his wine in front of his nose, attempting to fully unleash the aroma, or

"bouquet," as he properly refers to it as. The Wine Snob can spend hours obnoxiously talking about the superiority of pinot grapes grown in the Napa Valley in 2005 versus those grown in the San Fernando Valley, and, frankly, all you want to do is punch him in the stomach in an attempt to cease the constant discourse. "Are you really drinking THAT Chardonnay? 2007? (scoffing) You must have plucked that from the discount rack." Yes, think Paul Giamatti’s character from Sideways. If you wanted a Sommelier as a friend, you would have gone to a wine tasting and paid for a guy to ask you if you noticed the hint of chestnut in your Merlot. Naturally, this today’s blog topic: I’d like to introduce you to the close relative of the Wine Snob (perhaps a cousin of sorts): THE BEER SNOB.

I realize the concept of a Beer Snob may be tough to grasp initially, as the words used together may even be thought of as an oxy moron. Fundamentally, beer itself has been known for centuries (note: I have absolutely no proof, and this statement is most likely false) as the “drink of the working man,” with wine being the choice of those who
prefer "the finer things in life." Like most, I prefer a cold one at any function where alcohol should be a necessity - ranging from barbecue to birthday party to christening after-party (yes, it happens). Hand me a Bud Heavy, Coors Light or a Natty Light and I'm a happy man. On the rare day that I'm looking to treat myself, perhaps ill indulge in a Sam Adams or even an import, like a Caffreys. Alas, these beers mean nothing to the Beer Snob; merely flavored water.

My first encounter with elusive yet illustrious Beer Snob occurred a few weekends ago at a friend's engagement party in NH. I sat down at a table, cold can of Bud Light in hand, when my friend (the host of the party) sat down with an extra large bottle of beer and plastic glasses for each of us. Somewhat estranged by the abnormally large bottle, I
started asking questions about the beer (some Allaghash brewed in old bourbon casks or something). Cue the beer snob, who at that point was in earshot of my voice, and was clearly the purchaser of said libation. Comedy ensued.

In light of my experience, figured the best thing I could do is provide a list of telltale signs that you have encountered a Beer Snob:

1. Typically dressed in the clothes of a hipster. You know the style - somewhat shaggy hair, black architect style glasses, usually wearing a t-shirt he either bought at goodwill, or bought brand new that attempts to look like a shirt one bought at goodwill, only for $20+.

2. Brings his own beer to a party. Depending upon the beer snob, he will either bring only enough beer to serve himself, or if he's generous, enough bottles to provide his "friends" with a taste as well.

It should be noted that, more often than not, the bottle larger than most beer bottles - 24 ounces or larger is standard for a Beer Snob beer. This is definitely a prerequisite.

3. When excitedly informing you about the type of beer he brought, scoffs at the notion that you aren't familiar with the brewery or beer itself. Do not be discouraged at this point made by the Beer Snob - you should not know about the name of some beer brewed by 2 brothers in the basement of their mother’s home in Moscow, Idaho.

4. As mentioned above, if generous, Beer Snob will provide samples to passers by and the like. Upon asking for your thoughts, if one does not act if he just sipped from the Holy Grail, it will elicit one of two reactions from the Beer Snob, both being lose-lose situations for the taster:

1. He will become incredibly angry, begin nodding his head in disgust, and tell you "thanks for wasting my beer. Have fun going back to drinking your water...I mean Bud Light.”

2. He will become incredibly angry, begin nodding his head in disgust, actually pull the rest of your sample from right in front of you and pour it back into his own glass, and tell you "thanks for wasting my beer. Have fun going back to drinking your water....I mean Bud Light." Note: although this seems somewhat extreme, it is not as uncommon a reaction as one would suppose for a Beer Snob.

This brings me to the long-awaited answer to the age-old question, “What should I do in case I encounter a Beer Snob?” In short, I advise you do one of two things:

1. RUN…..fast.

2. Sit back and enjoy the experience. Go ahead – act as ignorant as you possibly can to the rhetoric spewing from the Beer Snob, and attempt to instigate him to be even more irritable and snobby than usual.

If you want my opinion, I’d suggest you allow the Beer Snob to do what he does and soak it all in, as you would a fine wine….or, in my case, a fine Natty Light.