The (Socially Inappropriate) Bucket List

Sorry for the short (read: month or so) hiatus, but I have been traveling a bit and have not had a lot of time for bloggery. This includes traveling up the coast of California for 10 days, and attending 2 different weekend-long weddings (one of which I will have a blog recap about). Over the course of the past weeks, I have had a couple offers for guest blogging, but I guess it just hasn't worked out yet. The funny thing is, I'm not exactly sure if anyone pays attention to this blog, so it's almost a farce to decide to have someone actually "guest blog" on this.

So I don't know anything about this movie called "The Bucket List" besides the fact that it stars Morgan Freeman (as Morgan Freeman) and Jack Nicholson (as some rich man), two men who are both about to die and decide to live the rest of their days attempting to accomplish any and every feat they have ever wanted. This involves riding a motorcycle, going sky diving, going to a brothel, eating cod, and, hopefully, dying (I cannot confirm any of these are on the actual Bucket List, as I've never seen the film).

Fast forward a few days....keeping with this "Bucket List" theme, I recently heard a great story about this gentlemen in his mid-thirties who decided to quit his job on a whim and begin attempting to accomplish 50 different things he wants accomplish before he gets a new job. Apparently, he was on "Good Morning America" one day, and Matt Lauer (who I still believe killed a man in self defense, but have found no proof to defend this) or someone decided to assist him in reaching one of his goals - to tell Donald Trump "You're Fired!" His number one goal, I believe, is to ride an ostrich, which I thought was pretty funny.

Now, I guess I could make a real bucket list of 50 things I want to accomplish before I die, but I think all of you know this - I'm well too lazy for that.....so I came up with just a few things I'd like to do off the top of my head.

So without further ado, the following is a supposed "bucket list" of things perceived by the majority as "socially inappropriate" that I would like to do in the near future. As you will soon notice, the word "accomplish" just does not seem like the right word to use in this context:

- Start yelling absolute nonsense at the top of my lungs in a quiet presentation and/or while a teacher is conducting class

-Rent space on a highway billboard to put up a phrase and a picture which have no connection whatsoever Something such as a billboard that says: "My hands are dirty" and then has a huge picture of a leather reclining La-Z-Boy chair. Something which will really make "Joe Driver" look at the picture and think "WHAT the hell did I just drive by??" Admittedly, Rob Dyrdek of "Rob & Big" fame beat me to the punch on the whole billboard purchase idea, but they used it a little differently than I would have (please watch the show for further explanation)

-Be "That Guy" at a urinal that lets out a loud, lengthy sigh of relief in a very serious manner as he urinates. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.....it's almost as if it's the first time he has urinated in over 3 years, and its the best feeling he's ever had. Bonus points if I use my right hand to lean on the wall in front of me as I'm urinating - however, the hand leaning is a truly experienced measure, and not for amateurs

-While in line getting my items checked at a large grocery store, yell out the name of each and every food product which the employee picks up and scans - once again, at the top of my lungs. For example: "BANANA! CHEX MIX! FRUIT LOOPS! CREST MINT TOOTHPASTE WITH WHITENING! SPAGHETTI SAUCE WITH BASIL AND GARLIC"

-Purchase a raunchy pornographic magazine and read it on a plane/bus/train. It is important that I treat said magazine as if I were reading a Newsweek or Forbes

-Jump onto a field during a baseball game and steal 2nd base, fully utilizing a head-first slide. Note: I would only do this if the game were a blowout (and, more than likely, a minor league game), otherwise it would simply be a detriment to the game of baseball.

As I stated, these are just a few things off the top of my head. I'm sure I would have many more if I took a little more time to really ponder this.

Social Etiquette

Although some people may refer to me as a bit socially awkward (admittedly, I have never been able to understand this), I still feel like my mother raised me properly in terms of proper etiquette in a social situation. For instance, I present to you the following few examples:

- I always allow women to enter the elevator before me.

- I always say "bless you" (though I can't pull the "god bless you," as I feel like it borders on religious doctrine) or "to your good health" or "you are so good looking" after someone sneezes.

-I always make sure women order before me in a restaurant.

-I always turn the lights on before entering a room (on second thought...perhaps this is just more common sense than etiquette).

-I write thank you notes or provide gifts when staying at other peoples' homes (full disclosure: only when parents are involved).

As I hope you perceive, this list runs on and on.

However, there is one social behavior that I still haven't learned the correct answer to, if any. Allow myself to explain....myself??

Here is the conundrum (I wish I could visually display this with a picture or a diagram): As you walk out of a building, there are 3 different doors you must walk through, all separated by a maximum distance of about 1-3 feet each. You are not walking alone, however - there is always someone directly in front of you passing through each of these doors as well. Assuming this person (who, in order to maintain a level of anonymity, I will refer to as "Marock Mobama") follows proper etiquette norms, they willingly and patiently hold every door for you as you walk behind them through each. Now, here's my question - WHEN DO YOU SAY "THANK YOU" to the door holder? Here are a few different scenarios:

1. You say "thank you" only after the 1st door - but wouldn't you look like a total asshole if you don't say "thank you" for the other two?

2. You hold off your "thank you's" until you reach the 3rd door - but wouldn't the person lose motivation to hold the 2nd and 3rd doors for you? He/she would perceive you're taking his/her actions for granted, and potentially stop the door-holding process after the 2nd door (as you may be able to tell, a pet peeve of mine is people that do not say "thank you" to me for holding the door, just assuming I am supposed to for them.)

3. You say "thank you" only after the 2nd door, and do not pay your respects, so to say, after the 1st and 2nd door - now this is just ridiculous. If someone does this, there's a little something else wrong with you than just poor etiquette.

4. You say "thank you" after each door - but isn't this a little niceness overkill? I mean, do you really need to say three "thank you's" within three seconds? I always feel somewhat uncomfortable doing this, though I usually use this routine more often than not; it's just safer.

Come to think of it, this also goes for one of my prior examples - what if it's a double, or even the dreaded triple sneeze? Do you wait until after multiple sneezes to give the old sneeze response? Or do you pull the old rapid fire "bless you" after each explosion?

These, my friends, are the important questions which need to be answered.

Note: Why did you assume that Barock Obama was the person walking in front of me?? It wasn't him; it's just a name....

"Don't Make Me Wash Your Sheets...."

In my never-ending search of trying to find old Saturday Night Live skits on the interweb, I came across a new site by the name of Hulu. Apparently a competitor with youtube, Hulu has an vast array of full television shows and even movies. Looking for the full length feature film "Dude Where's My Car?" Hulu. Trying to find recreate journal entries from old episodes of Doogie Howser? Hulu. Repeats of Temptation Island? Hulu. The list goes on and on. I seriously could spend hour after hour on this thing, but I'd probably need to quit my job. I highly recommend that you spend some time on the website to find out its wonders by yourself.

So, one of the clips I found needs absolutely no introduction. Let me state beforehand, however, that I was not all too impressed with the selection of SNL skits, but at least it had more than any other website I have found. I guess beggars can't be choosers, eh?

Alas, I present you with a personal favorite, "The Herlihy Boy":



Enjoy

Women's NIT update

So we are into the Elite 8 of the women's NIT tournament, and most of our brackets are officially busted. Unofficially, Roommate Dan has won the pool, and thus, will gain remote control privileges for the week once the tournament ends.

Today, there was an extremely important and exciting game on the schedule. No, I'm not talking about Davidson vs Kansas. The game of the week was a nailbiter between Michigan and Michigan State. The Lady Spartans pulled out a 45-40 win in overtime, which was a vital win for me. Basically, I'm in dead last place, I am the only person left in the whole pool who has a team still active (MSU), and the only way which I don't finish in last place is if the Lady Spartans win the NIT championship. I'll be honest with you, fellow readers - I don't WANT to lose couch privileges all week. Missing out on gmail and facebook are substantial losses as well - don't get me wrong....but sitting on the floor for a full week? I'll have to get a ruling on whether or not pillows are technically part of the "couch".....

Looks like I should start memorizing the official MSU fight song from this point on......

On the banks of the Red Cedar,
There's a school that's known to all;
Its specialty is winning,
And those Spartans play good ball;
Spartan teams are never beaten,
All through the game they'll fight;
Fight for the only colors:
Green and White.

Go right through for MSU,
Watch the points keep growing,
Spartan teams are bound to win,
They're fighting with a vim!
Rah! Rah! Rah!
See their team is weakening,
We're going to win this game,
Fight! Fight! Rah! Team, Fight!
Victory for MSU!

"Language Lessons....

Inspiring words from a man who knows how to ski."
-Better Off Dead

I completely agree that this quote has nothing to do with my blog entry, but are you really gonna blame me for trying to work a lesser known quote (which should be known) into my repertoire?

Not sure if any of you fellow Bostonians have noticed, but as a a daily public transportation commuter, I like to take some time every morning to try to notice whatever new advertisements may pop up on my commute (it is duly noted that the advertisements do not change all too often).

One advertisement which always brings up inner controversy is by the Boston Language Institute, which is apparently a language school around town. The main selling point of the Boston Language Institute, courtesy of the advertisements, is "Learn Swahili." Well, I have to admit, I have somewhat of a problem with this:

Out of all the languages to promote, you go with Swahili? What? If you want to go with a lesser known, lesser utilized language, why don't you just try to promote Sanskrit (PCU reference duly noted)? I mean, is it simply wrong to endorse the education of a language which will actually prove to be a resource to you, such as Spanish or French? I'd be better off learning Latin - at least I'd be able to figure out the etymology of words in a quicker fashion, or at least would have been able to score a little higher on my SAT scores. I mean, perhaps I'd finally be able to figure out what Semper Fi means.....

If you really wanna impress us commuters with the fact that you have a staff with a tremendous knowledge of more obscure languages, why not promote Cantonese in your advertisements? I mean, there are hundreds of different dialects of that language. That would impress me.....but Swahili??

"We Got Next"

Is there a more exciting athletic event than March Madness? For a college basketball fan, there's arguably no better time to watch hour after hour of games - I mean, who doesn't get excited watching some small conference team upset one of the big boys (think BUCKNELL beating powerhouse Kansas in 2005)? Now, if you equate equate the official "start" of March Madness Thursday of the first weekend, I have something I need to tell you - you're wrong; any real basketball fans knows it's Wednesday.

Still no clue what I'm talking about yet? Well, I'll let you out on a little-known secret: Wednesday of that same week is the beginning of the Women's NIT tournament, i.e., the real start of March Madness. For the rare reader who is unfamiliar with the Women's NIT tournament (an absolutely blasphemous offense), allow me to explain: It is the "championship" tournament held for NCAA Division 1 women's basketball teams that cannot even make the real women's NCAA tournament. Looking for the Prairie View vs Texas State women's matchup? You're in luck - just start following the Women's NIT. I've got some bad news though....there's zero chance of finding it on television, and you've got a better chance finding hot nude pictures of Roseanne Barr on the internet than you do finding any Women's NIT coverage on ESPN.com....go ahead, I dare you.

In honor of the magnificent event known as the Women's NIT, my roommates and I have decided to participate in our own Tournament Challenge. Go ahead, fill out your Men's NCAA March Madness brackets and throw away $10 on the office pool, checking the website every so often to make witty comments on the message board to make the girl in the cubicle next to you giggle - we'll stick to the real shit. And to think you call yourself a "bracketologist".....

Don't worry, we wouldn't simply participate in a bracket pool without consequences....allow me to let you in on the stakes:

Winner receives remote control privileges for a full business week (5 days)

Loser is revoked of couch/chair sitting privileges in the living room for a full week, AND the following (dependent upon who comes in last place):

Billy: No ketchup or mustard use on his salads for 1 week (yes, I said "on his salads")
Avery: Cannot wear glasses/contacts when watching tv upstairs for 1 week
Guy: Cannot eat/make quesadillas for 1 week
Roommate Dan ("RD"): Cannot drink any form of bottled water for 1 week
Matt: Cannot use gmail/gchat/facebook after work hours for 1 week

Note: If you are not familiar with the roommates, let it be known that the loser will sacrifice one of his privileges or vices for a week.

The RPI rankings have been researched, the respective brackets have been filled out with pride, and the trash talking has officially started (if you see me, no need to inform me that I know absolutely nothing about women's college basketball).

Feel free to check in with any of us for updates, but let me warn you - my full attention may not be with you, as I'll most likely be too busy wishing for a strong tourney run by the James Madison University Lady Dukes......

"The Cow"

I'm sure that some of you may be familiar with this story, but I'd like to take this opportunity to enlighten you with one of my favorite stories in the sports world - the story of former Celtic player Dave Cowens. Aside from the fact that I proudly wear my "Dave Cowens Basketball School" shirt any opportunity I can get (No, I didn't attend the camp; I think I picked it up off a roommate in my freshman year of college), we are talking about a great player here. This is a guy who was inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame in 1991, and averaged 15 rebounds per game in his rookie year - and keep in mind he was only 6'9", which qualifies as "really damn short" for someone playing center in the NBA.

Aside from his athletic prowess, its what he did off the court which really piqued my interest. Example No. 1 - after the Boston Celtics beat the Milwaukee Bucks in the 1974 NBA Finals, Cowens decided to sleep on a park bench in Boston Common after a full night of partying. I realize it was the 70's so things were a bit different, but a park bench, Dave? Really?

Example No. 2 - In 1977, Cowens decided that he was "burnt out" with the sport of basketball, and announced that he was simply taking a leave of absence from the Boston Celtics. What did he decide to do when he wasn't playing basketball, you ask? Just what any other elite professional athlete would do with their free time - DRIVE A TAXI IN BOSTON. That's right - he became a cabbie. Can you imagine hailing a cab at 2 AM after a lengthy date with a few too many Miller High Lifes (nothing but the "champagne of beer" for this guy), hopping in, and hearing Kevin Garnett in the driver's seat ask you what exit to take off Storrow Drive?? Wouldn't you be a bit surprised in the least? This is essentially the best 2008 equivalent of what was happening back in 1977. In these times when most athletes believe they are keen entrepreneurs, (please pick up the rap cd's of Chris Webber, Kobe Bryant or Ron Artest if you don't know what I'm talking about), I just find this story absolutely hilarious.

Eveybody always talks about Bill Walton as being the epitome of the "free spirit" in the NBA - I mean, he definitely had his quirks about him - he rode a friggin bike to his games in college, was heralded for following around The Grateful Dead in the offseason, and was known to partake in a certain extracurricular activity which is perfectly legal......in Amsterdam. But why doesn't Dave Cowens get any attention?? Well, folks, put it on the record that I'm behind "The Cow."