"Who's That Girl?"

Recently (read: today), I was reading through one of my favorite Boston-centric periodicals, the Improper Bostonian, and I came across one of the most entertaining sections of the magazine, the "Impersonals." Why is the Impersonals such a great section? Think Craigslist "missed connections" meets "To Catch a Predator."

The following is a verbatim listing of the entry:

To the 8:30 AM blonde angel on Newbury Street: I'm having a "Who's That Girl" dilemma. You stole my heart without saying a single word. We've passed one another daily on Upper Newbury Street near Urban Outfitters around 8:30 AM for months now, and you have my undivided attention. I'd love to stop and chat with you, but we're both traveling at warp speeds in opposite directions. You're 5'6" with shoulder-length blonde hair, stunning looks, always wearing sunglasses. Everything about your style and demeanor brightens my world. I'm the handsome 6'4" Swede with shoulder-length hair sporting colorful European soccer jerseys hoping to attract your attention. Help cure my crush, as I broke out Madonna's Immaculate Hits CD, and it's starting to make sense to me.

Don't get me wrong, Sven, I'm not one to judge another male - sounds like you have a lot of things going for you like:

1. You're Swedish (chicks dig foreigners - think the Chef from the Muppets - everyone loved him!)

2. You're tall (hell, you've got at least 6 inches on me)

3. Um...you're Swedish??

Now, let's talk about the choices you've made in your life which are, in a word, wrong:

1. I can't speak for females in the greater Boston area, but unless you are a rock star,Rafael Nadal, or one of the Three Tenors (who doesn't forget Jose Carrerras), shoulder length hair may not be acceptable anymore...

2. I don't care if you name drop a Madonna album just to find some way to use the word "immaculate" in a sentence to describe the girl you stalk, but there's no getting around the fact that not only do you have said Madonna CD, but you have implicitly admitted that you were listening to it as well....

3. Actually, let's think for a minute: what's more embarrassing? The fact that you own Madonna's Immaculate Collection, or that you just referenced "Who's That Girl," which clearly indicates that you are A. at least familiar with and B. most likely have seen the 80's film starring Madonna (in case you are wondering - yes, I had to Google this to find this out).

3. Does someone really need to take the time to explain to you that it's not really cool/stylish to walk around town, in public, wearing a replica soccer jersey? Who did you ask to see if this was ok - your little brother, or your 7 year old nephew??

Don't worry, Magnus - I have no doubt in my mind that your beautiful "angelic" blonde has noticed you. Only problem is, if I were a betting man, I'd place a large amount of cash that it's for all the wrong reasons. Money line is set at about -700 that every time she sees you, she thinks "Who is that long-haired douchebag wearing those dumb soccer jerseys every day?" and that she's walking at a "warp speed" for reasons other than being late for work.