"Who's That Girl?"

Recently (read: today), I was reading through one of my favorite Boston-centric periodicals, the Improper Bostonian, and I came across one of the most entertaining sections of the magazine, the "Impersonals." Why is the Impersonals such a great section? Think Craigslist "missed connections" meets "To Catch a Predator."

The following is a verbatim listing of the entry:

To the 8:30 AM blonde angel on Newbury Street: I'm having a "Who's That Girl" dilemma. You stole my heart without saying a single word. We've passed one another daily on Upper Newbury Street near Urban Outfitters around 8:30 AM for months now, and you have my undivided attention. I'd love to stop and chat with you, but we're both traveling at warp speeds in opposite directions. You're 5'6" with shoulder-length blonde hair, stunning looks, always wearing sunglasses. Everything about your style and demeanor brightens my world. I'm the handsome 6'4" Swede with shoulder-length hair sporting colorful European soccer jerseys hoping to attract your attention. Help cure my crush, as I broke out Madonna's Immaculate Hits CD, and it's starting to make sense to me.

Don't get me wrong, Sven, I'm not one to judge another male - sounds like you have a lot of things going for you like:

1. You're Swedish (chicks dig foreigners - think the Chef from the Muppets - everyone loved him!)

2. You're tall (hell, you've got at least 6 inches on me)

3. Um...you're Swedish??

Now, let's talk about the choices you've made in your life which are, in a word, wrong:

1. I can't speak for females in the greater Boston area, but unless you are a rock star,Rafael Nadal, or one of the Three Tenors (who doesn't forget Jose Carrerras), shoulder length hair may not be acceptable anymore...

2. I don't care if you name drop a Madonna album just to find some way to use the word "immaculate" in a sentence to describe the girl you stalk, but there's no getting around the fact that not only do you have said Madonna CD, but you have implicitly admitted that you were listening to it as well....

3. Actually, let's think for a minute: what's more embarrassing? The fact that you own Madonna's Immaculate Collection, or that you just referenced "Who's That Girl," which clearly indicates that you are A. at least familiar with and B. most likely have seen the 80's film starring Madonna (in case you are wondering - yes, I had to Google this to find this out).

3. Does someone really need to take the time to explain to you that it's not really cool/stylish to walk around town, in public, wearing a replica soccer jersey? Who did you ask to see if this was ok - your little brother, or your 7 year old nephew??

Don't worry, Magnus - I have no doubt in my mind that your beautiful "angelic" blonde has noticed you. Only problem is, if I were a betting man, I'd place a large amount of cash that it's for all the wrong reasons. Money line is set at about -700 that every time she sees you, she thinks "Who is that long-haired douchebag wearing those dumb soccer jerseys every day?" and that she's walking at a "warp speed" for reasons other than being late for work.

Part 2 - The Real "30 for 30"

After a slight delay, Part 2 of "30 Things Every Man Should have by 30" below:

16. A trusted barber or hair stylist.
Pardon my ignorance, but I didn't think men used "hair stylists." Is there something I should know? Sadly, I am still awaiting the arrival of a "trusted" barber, and this fact can be much attested by my numerous monthly military-style and/or "boys' regular-style" haircuts. I'll take any and all suggestions (under $15 - I have my limits).

17. A pair of jeans that makes his butt look good.
Couple pairs of jeans I feel comfortable in? Check. Similar to my barber comment, I'm still awaiting the arrival of some semblance of a butt, and am waiting on the price of saline injections to drop to a price point I can handle. Honestly though, do guys really think about this??

18. Jumper cables.
Please refer to number 14. Will this continue to be a problem at 31? Perhaps I need to think about this a bit more...

19. A driver’s license.
I beg to differ. Pretty sure I'd be quite content to be in a position in life where I only utilize a car service, and/or have a personal driver. I need a Turtle to my Vinny Chase. That is, unless this is a reference to some sort of criminal offense one has been involved in whereby he cannot apply for a driver's license. If that's the case, I'm in the clear.

20. Always enough toilet paper.
Hmm...let's just skip this one, and move on to the next.

21. Sheets that don’t scratch.
Could this please lay to rest the constant negativity produced by my recent purchase of "sateen" sheets? Looks like that Linens 'n Things liquidation sale really paid off in the long term!!

22. A nightstand that doesn’t say “Handle with care” on the side.
Umm...this would require the ability to actually be able to house a nightstand in your bedroom.

23. A smile he uses generously.
Although pictures most likely do not suggest this, I'll go ahead and give myself the benefit of the doubt.

24. At least one lamp that didn’t once belong in a dorm room.
First of all, this statement implies that I had a lamp in my dorm room, let alone more than one. I'll need to consult the former residents of my current apartment, however, as I've still managed to go my entire life without purchasing a lamp. Something tells me this should have been on the "20 Things to do By 20" list, and I obviously missed the cut a long time ago.

25. Enough confidence to approach someone he finds attractive.
"Approach" in what manner?? I'll say yes to this, but very hesitantly.

26. Enough sense not to use a cheesy pick-up line. (When in doubt, say “hello!”)
Another statement with implications - does this imply that said pick-up line produced a positive result? As George Constanza can attest, telling people you're an architect can only get you so far with the other gender...

27. A great razor.
This is me laughing...I'd rather have scientists invent some type of laser which completely removes hair follicles. Wait....what?!

28. The beginning of a nest egg.
Funny....and I was always under the impression that it's not proper etiquette to publicly discuss one's personal finances. All of a sudden, is this now perfectly acceptable at the age of 30?

29. A place where everyone knows his name.
Sadly, there may be one too many places where everyone knows my name. Perhaps I should actually start visiting bars with less frequency once I turn 30...

30. At least one sex move he’s received lots of positive feedback on.
Well, I guess there's no better time than 30 to try to get rid of that whole "virginity" thing...it appears as though I'm a little behind the 8-ball on that one.

To all those who made guest appearance at my "surprise" 30th birthday party this past Saturday (I guess all those years of unnecessary pranks on my friends finally caught up to me), thanks for coming to support my inevitable transition into adulthood, I hope you had fun, and I'll see you soon, albeit a tad more polished.

Dirty Thirty

A few days ago while conducting my typical daily internet searching, I came across an interesting article titled "30 Things Every Man Should Have by 30" (to answer the question on everyone's minds...no - I don't typically read "The Frisky" - apparently CNN.com must have some deal with the site to post ridiculous articles on their website at least once a week, one thing led to another, and there you go..). I thought that, in honor of my upcoming 30th birthday in less than two weeks, I could provide a little personal feedback on my progress with this bucket list of sorts....

Due to the length of the entry (and to keep you salivating), I've decided to split it into 2 separate entries. 15 today, 15 this weekend.

Without further adieu, enjoy:

1. A skin care regimen. C’mon guys, healthy complexions aren’t just for metrosexuals!
If by "regimen," they are trying to express the fact that I shower daily (usually 2x a day), you can check this off the list.

2. A tasty signature dish he can whip up for a date.
Are you kidding? Name me a woman that doesn't love al dente spaghetti with a bottle of Ragu, and I've got a bridge for sale in Brooklyn for you. I should also note that the sauce is "meat flavored" - what did you think this was, amateur hour?

3. Respect for women as equals and not just as heads attached to boobs.
Check. They have a superior insight which far surpasses any male in terms of understanding intellectual shows such as Gossip Girl, the Hills, and the City.

4. At least four good pairs of shoes: dressy, business casual, casual, exercise.
Sure - what guy doesn't have a pair of Asics or New Balance for every occasion....cocktail party? Grey 991's. Job interview? Grey 992's (newer = classier).

5. At least one friend who gives honest fashion advice.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but "honest" is not synonymous with "correct," right??

6. A tailored suit.
Assuming that the fine gentlemen who make an hourly wage at the "Men's Wearhouse" can be loosely classified as "tailors," then absolutely. I mean, it didn't take me until 30 to do this one. I'm almost insulted.

7. A toolbox that includes: a hammer, screwdriver, wrench, nails, work gloves.
Thanks, Dad - with only a year to spare! There's no stipulation that one needs to have actually used said tools in a real-life scenario, is there?

8. Enough clean underwear (no holes!) to get him through a week between laundry sessions.
It is with this statement that I realize this article must have been written by a woman. Any man knows that the entire key is to have enough underwear that you never have to do laundry in the first place. If this involves buying new underwear at the store in order to circumvent the whole "washing" experience, so be it.

9. Independence from his mama.
Considering I've been living without my "mama" for almost a decade, I'd certainly hope so. Um...that doesn't count weekends at home, does it? She makes a mean grilled cheese sandwich...

10. The ability to ask for directions.
This needs clarification - driving directions? Hell no. Directions as to why I probably shouldn't be wearing New Balance 992's with my "tailored suit" for a job interview? Feel free to engage...

11. A great road map when there’s no one to ask.
Check. I was always under the impression that having the biggest, most detailed map was a true sign of the alpha male. If you don't have one of those encyclopedia-sized Rand McNally road maps, then you may as well not even show your face around New England.

12. A favorite cookbook.
"The Joy of Cooking." Thanks Sister! Admittedly, I find it works better as an oversized paperweight for the time being. If you don't know how to make spaghetti with sauce out of a jar, I fear there are larger, more important problems you need to start thinking about at the age of 30.

13. A decent set of pots and pans.
Almost there...though I'm pretty sure the word "decent" is quite relative. Honestly, I just couldn't come up with anything funny for this one.

14. An emergency kit in the trunk of his car.
I get the feeling that it's 10x worse to answer that I have the emergency kit, though I don't have a car to put it in....so I won't answer in that manner. When are people going to figure out that the whole car ownership thing is just a fad??

15. A hobby that does not include a television set or a 6-pack of beer.
Sure, I have many hobbies. Antiquing, building model ships, making picture frames out of seashells, playing with Legos, meteorology - the list goes on. Oh, and for all the ladies reading this - did I mention I'm single?? Wink wink...

Stay tuned for part 2......

Curling Anyone??

If you’re a fellow Olympics watcher such as me, there is no doubt in my mind that you have seen a fair show of Curling events in Vancouver. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I have an extreme dislike of curling; I actually enjoy watching it in small portions – I think we’ve all enjoyed the absolute collapse of John Schuster (by the way, was he really born in 1982, or do we have one of those Dominican-style birth certificate issues going on??), and Nicole Joraanstad is quite easy on the eyes as well (I particularly enjoyed the "favorite workout moves" section). To be honest, I would absolutely not be opposed to participating in a curling game in the greater Boston area…provided that enough beer was involved (doesn’t it just look like the perfect casual drinking sport?). But I’d go on record to say that about 65% of Olympic events I’ve actually gotten to see have been….drum roll please – CURLING. Is this the longest Olympic event ever? Does it last the entire 2 weeks? I get out of the shower in the AM and turn on the tv – curling. I get to the gym and glance up at someone’s tv on their treadmill – curling. I take a break from creating my sculpture and turn on the tube for a minute to gather my thoughts – curling. Well, the sculpture part was a lie, but you understand.

Notwithstanding my pointless ramblings above, I bring you to the point of this whole thing: curling must be unequivocally the most unathletic sport not only in the Winter Olympics, but in the Summer Olympics as well, no? I mean, even ping pong takes reaction time and some level of athleticism, doesn't it? If curling is a Winter Olympic sport, I really dont see why horseshoes should not be a Summer Olympic sport. And what about bocce? I mean, isn’t curling just bocce on ice, without short, greasy hairy Italian men tossing a pelota (being Italian, I’m allowed to say this)? Better yet? Shuffleboard. That way, you could have 82 year old athletes potentially making their Olympic DEBUTS. Who wouldn't want to watch that?? The unintentional comedic value of a shuffleboard "injury" where Edith Harland's dentures fall out amidst a post-game celebration could be off the charts. Could someone please formulate a legitimate argument as to why, aside from historical precedence, curling is an Olympic sport?? If so, I"ll back off my shuffleboard argument. If not, you'll be hearing from me soon enough, Jacques Rogge....

Musings From Another Valentine's Day

In honor of Valentine's Day, as a single man living in Boston, yesterday provided me with the opportunity to conduct some empirical research on the reactions of single women in the greater Boston area towards a potential misfiring of Cupid's arrow (relax...it's the best euphemism about being single I could find without thinking too hard). After waiting a day to let it all marinate, as they say, and without much further adieu, I have the following observations:

All single women in Boston can be broken down into 2 different stereotypes, both of which differ greatly:

A. Those that take the "I don't give a shit about Valentine's Day....today is a celebration of ME!" approach and;

B. Those that become manically depressed for the day, locking themselves in their apartments and performing sadistic rituals such as watching "Love Actually" three or more times in one day, eating portions of junk food typically reserved for an entire 3rd grade class V-Day party, and forcing themselves to fall asleep while listening to "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. on repeat.*

When discussing the latter subgroup, there isn't really much else to say. These are the cliche depressed women and, due to their status of being too depressed about their own lives to venture from their couch/loveseat/beanbag chair (if you are still in possession of this, I fear there may be something else wrong with you besides only being single), I did not have any direct contact with this species of woman yesterday.

When discussing the former, however, this type of woman was out in droves yesterday. Much like a pack of wild dogs, or a herd of buffalo, or pretty much any species that moves in groups, the "I don't need a man!" species of woman prefers to move in this manner as well. More often than not they move in tandem, though I did see a small percentage of groups of 3 or more single women. Clearly, there is strength in numbers amongst this breed.

In my attempts to find the natural habitat of these women, my observations always seemed to lead to the following locations:

- Shopping centers (the sidewalks of Newbury St. being an absolute hotspot). I imagine this is due to a thought process somewhat along the lines of "just because we're single doesn't mean we can't treat ourselves to something nice." Sort of like a self-treatment via shopping. In my experience, women tend to use shopping as an outlet for numerous stressful situations; add this to the list.

-Bars - the "let's go out and get drunk in honor of having no attachments" methodology, which in reality means "let's go out and get drunk to drown our sorrows together in our own singledom." In full disclosure, most guys use this approach, though the basis of such approach is more clouded from a gentleman's perspective. Sometimes we just like going to bars and drinking beers...

-Cinemas - only the strongest groups of single women will venture to the movie theatre, as generally they don't like being in the same enclosed space with couples. The cinema being an absolute mecca of Valentine's Day dates, and dates in general, most women that actually want to see a film will do so from the comfort of their own bean bag chair (see above).

-The gym, and/or running along the streets of Boston. The "let's go exercise to blow off some steam" approach.

What did I learn in my studies, you may ask? In general, one should not attempt to approach these groups of single women on Valentine's Day, as you will most likely be rebuffed in your efforts. Women on this day anticipate that they will be taken advantage of on this day of sorrow in their lives, and are generally negative towards their opinion of the male race for this period of 24 hours (sometimes extended). My advice is to keep a short distance from these women and wait until a less significant (read: depressing) time in their lives to begin a conversation.


*This song was used because it was Brenda Walsh's breakup song from an early 90's episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (go ahead; judge me...I had an older sister who had authority over the remote control). I'm quite sure there is a more current breakup go-to song, so if anyone has a recommendation, please feel free to comment. I was thinking about using "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga, but sadly, I just didn't feel it was the right fit.

Beware Harassment in the Workplace

So I just spent about an hour today undergoing one of the many online training courses available (read: required) at John Hancock. On today's menu: HARASSMENT (though it's definitely funnier when said by a British person). I'm sure everyone knows what I'm talking about here - a course, taken on an annual basis, which teaches us bonehead employees the limits of harassment from all different angles - sexual, age, gender, ethnicity, religion, etc. - you name it, and we'll show you how not to do it.

First of all, I always love wasting an hour of my time to cease doing actual work and take these courses. Not only can you not fail them no matter how hard you try (trust me...they don't let you), but they are absolutely hilarious. I'm not sure if this is simply due to the unintentional comedy found within the scenarios provided, the fact that the person behind these may actually have a sense of humor, or that my mind is just absolutely warped....could be a combination of all three.

Secondly, I look at the pictures of these supposed "co-workers" of mine, and their professional appearance certainly appears to leave something to be desired. Sign me up for the company that allows people to show up to work like this. One of the main characters, Dan (a gaunt fellow in his lower 20's) clearly has not shaven for a few days. Not only is he in the awkward stage in terms of "is it a beard or is he just lazy and/or disheveled?" but his facial hair is spotty at best. I was able to grow more facial hair than Dan when I was 13. And then there's Darrell, who not only sports well too large of a hoop earring than any male should (not that there's anything wrong with that...), but is wearing some semblance of a coat (or a shirt...can't tell) that can only lead me to guess that either he is on his way out to, or has just come back from, an African safari.

Also, the phrases used within this thing are amazing. The creators must have been going with the "let's be trendy" direction with the language used throughout the training, but clearly could only do so to a point, ostensibly to make sure that the older crowd would understand the terms being used just as easy as the younger crowd would. As we know through training, we don't want to offend anyone over the age of 40, as this may be seen as a form of age harassment. But to use the phrase "dirty dancing" when talking about "her hips swaying from side to side," how is someone not going to find this amusing? This is one of many examples throughout the video.

Talking about age harassment, there was a great scene in the age harassment section in which there is a 61 year old woman by the name of Beverly (these names are great) who is being verbally accosted by her 54 year old co-worker about being too old to know anything; I believe the quote was something like "I didn't know they had television in the Stone Age, Beverly," in response to poor, innocent Bev telling fellow colleagues what her favorite show was growing up. Though I tend to agree with Beverly that the statement was quite offensive, there are 2 problems here: A. Beverly is 61, and her picture is that of a 61 year old, but the voice used for her sounds like she's about 85, and B. Beverly has other problems to worry about - if I were her, I'd be less concerned with someone making fun of my age and more concerned with a co-worker cracking endless jokes about how I sound like I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger's mother. I realize the creators of the training course were trying to be PC here and include people of all cultures/backgrounds, but really guys?? Couldn't you help Bev out a bit here?

For my other readers also involved in the mindless rat race, good luck to you, and I hope your training courses provide as much enjoyment to you as they do to me.

Real World: Cancun

As much as people dislike me for doing this, once again, I've chosen that I will be the "authority" when it comes to the Real World. I will be using my blog as a forum for my thoughts on each episode, starting with the premiere episode tonight in Cancun. As I've said before, if you are looking for an episode summary, look elsewhere....there are enough places to find that.

So, in no order of importance, here are my initial thoughts on each cast member:

Derek: Didn't get get a good read on him besides the fact that he is openly gay, was adopted and works at a bar. Think we got about 3 words out of him, and 2 involved Jonna being slutty in her past (which is fine with me). Seems like a good guy, and the straight dudes seem to have no problems with him, which is a nice change of pace.

Jonna: Pretty hot, but seriously, relax with the piercings, Jonna. Not only do you have those weird ones on your back, but your "promise piercing"?? You have to be kidding me. I mean, a promise ring is bad enough, but a promise piercing blows it out of the water. Can we set an over/under on how long it takes for her to cheat on her boyfriend? I'm giving it 3 weeks.

Joey: First of all, feel free to correct me, but since when has "Merrimack Valley, MA" been an actual town? Why not just get it over with and say you're from Lawrence (full disclosure - I got this info from the MTV website)? I somewhat question how "hard-core" punk he is even with all those tattoos, but I'll tell you this much - he is definitely the house favorite for pissing every single cast member off at one point or another. Has the ability to be a genuine asshole when he wants to. I also don't understand how he had the gall to put himself to bed the FIRST NIGHT they go out. I'm going to stay out with my new roomies if I have to pass out on the bar that first night. Gotta give the kid respect though, for hooking up on the 1st night with a pretty cute girl ("Courtnee with 2 E's"). Which brings me to.....

Bronne: Not only did you make out with a cougar at the bar, but A. the cougar was completely unattractive, and B. IT WAS COURTNEE'S MOM. Utterly hilarious. That being said, what the hell is a 40 something year old doing in Cancun? Does this happen regularly? I'll need to consult with an experienced spring breaker veteran on this. Anyways, this guy has some real potential to be the funniest guy on the show, and besides the fact that he couldn't hold his booze at the bar, he is definitely my favorite cast member - already came out with a few great lines tonight - his comment about being thankful he has a gay roommate cause he can finally get help with his wardrobe, though a stereotype, was damn funny. Kinda reminds me of Isaac from Australia, but less weird.

Jasmine: Like Derek, don't know much about this girl besides the fact that she's really short. Jury is out on her, but I get the feeling that she is somewhat bitchy when she wants to be. Has pretty much spent all of her time with her new BFF,....

Ayiiia: May be the hottest girl on the show in my book, though her teeth could use some work. If I was her, I would probably hop on a plane and get over the border though, cause I wouldn't trust a Mexican DDS as far as I can throw him (I actually just wanted to use the acronym "DDS" in this blog). I would also like to point out that I think she spells her name wrong - the name is odd enough, but three I's?? Really? I'd just stick with 2. Seems like her and Jasmine are not really interested in hooking up with any guys. I hope this changes, or I hope they start getting interested in hooking up with each other..

CJ: In terms of unintentional comedy, this dude is hilarious. I could not stop laughing at him all show. It's been a long time since I've seen someone so narcissistic on any show, let alone The Real World. You're an NFL Free Agent? Christ, I could have called myself a "free agent" when I graduated from college too, CJ. Love the fact that he does exercises before he goes out to make his arms look bigger, and his leg stretching after he got home from the bar absolutely killed me. I expect big things out of you, CJ. Big things.

Emilee: Once again, don't say you're from Boston - you're from HAMILTON, which is easily 35+ minutes outside of Boston. And I didn't know they let girls with single A cups work at Hooters (by the way, where is there a Hooters in Boston?). And you're 1/4 african american? Sorry, I don't believe it. She is the classic case of a girl who has never seen a gay person before, never seen an african american, never left her little bubble....MTV eats this stuff up, and so do I. And one more thing: SHE IS CRAZY. I'm giving 5-1 odds that this girl is absolutely nuts. Just wait, my friends. On a sidenote, she's pretty hot....

Other General Thoughts:

Cast - MTV - THANK YOU for not only giving us viewers a girl majority with respect to cast members, but making them all semi-attractive at the very least.

House - Pretty sick. Shocker that they have an "ocean view," as from what my friend (a wiley Cancun veteran) says, Cancun is basically a strip, so unless you're staying in the janitor's closet, your hotel is going to have an ocean view. Added bonus that it's located in a hotel. Hello Real World Las Vegas!!

Computer - Are you serious? Talk about a complete lack of privacy. I mean, their computer screen is larger than any television I've ever owned....

Massachusetts - Does anyone think its weird that there are THREE people on the show this season with Massachusetts ties? What. The. Hell. This is either a good thing or a bad thing. I'm yet to determine which....

Profession - Why is EVERY single girl a waitress? Mix it up a bit next time, MTV...