My Icelandic Experience

So many of my faithful readers (I'll call you tomorrow, Ma) are aware that last night I just got back from an extended weekend stay in Iceland. Why Iceland, you ask? Why not. Needless to say, many people have numerous questions about this experience, with even more looking for a full summary. After much thought, I've come to the decision that in lieu of providing a full narrative of my adventures in Iceland, I'll be providing you with a series of rules to live by when vacationing in Iceland, to better prepare you for your experience, should you ever decide to make the trek.

Please note that this is not meant to be representative of a negative experience in Iceland, as I had an amazing trip. Lastly, as always, this list is in no order of importance.

1. Never walk around Reykjavik wearing sandals, flip flops, or any type of open toed shoes. The amount of broken glass on the streets after a weekend night is enough to [insert cheezy awful joke].

2. Make sure you pack your black clothes. All black, nothing else. Full disclosure: I got this piece of info from a pamphlet, which stated Icelandic people wear all black for "practical purposes." When I asked several Icelandic people about this, no one had an answer.

3. Don't plan on going out any earlier than 2 AM. As a matter of fact, don't even try to venture outside until at least 10 PM or you'll feel uncomfortably alone walking through the city.

4. NEVER eat hakarl. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

5. Wearing jeans out is "in" right now, provided that it is part of a "smart" outfit (once again, I stole this helpful hint from a handout).

6. Sunglasses are necessary when on a sunny day while on a glacier, or else you'll be essentially rendered blind. Gear is also a necessity.

7. Most Icelandic do not like highways, as they are considered "boring." When faced with the decision to drive on a highway vs a semi-frozen riverbed complemented with other various offroad hazards and snow-filled hilly trails where it takes 10 minutes to drive 10 feet, they will always choose the latter option.

8. Make sure you grab a hot dog...and you're only cheating yourself if you don't get it fully loaded.

9. Better get used to bad-tasting beer, cause it's there, and it's aptly named "Viking." The 1st beer in Iceland was allowed in 1989, and its quite evident it needs more time to evolve.

10. When in need of appeasing your sweet tooth, you can't go wrong with Opal. It has the consistency of hard licorice complemented by the taste of cough syrup. And while you're at it, feel free to grab a shot of Opal as well. You heard that correctly - they make booze too, and it tastes the same.

11. Don't let anyone try to tell you whale meat doesn't taste good....

12. If you plan on riding horseback, please understand that your "horse" may actually be shorter than you.

13. Go into your trip with the understanding that you have zero shot of being able to read or understand the language in any capacity (historical note: the Icelandic language is actually old-school Norwegian...it's just that Norway's language changed, and Iceland's stayed 12 century Norwegian).

14. If arriving in spring/summer, make sure whatever location you stay in has shades or blinds, cause you are going to need them.

15. Take some time to familiarize yourself with top 40 American music before your arrival, cause you don't want to be left in the dark at the bars (as previously noted, this is only a manner of speech in the summer months).

16. Please start smoking. I don't care if you don't like it. At the least, it keeps you warm.

17. No need to buy a bus pass - you can probably traverse the entire city within 20 minutes.

18. Be sure to stop off at the Blue Lagoon on the airport ride home. You'll see what I'm talking about.

19. Embrace the smell of sulphur, cause you're gonna smell like it no matter what if you decide to shower while in Iceland. Rubbing hard-boiled eggs over your body would probably be a good start.

20. Do not act surprised when you see the same people out every night no matter where you are - its Reykjavik - get used to it.

21. Be sure to pick up some Reyka vodka on your trip; it's surprisingly smooth and you will not be disappointed.

I hope this short (read: overly lengthy) list helps you with your potential trip to Iceland. Say what you want about the country - your economy would probably collapse too if your fishermen rise out of bed one morning and proclaim "So I think I'm going to become a trader today. What? I don't know anything about banking? Who cares!" That being said, I can't lie to you - I could not find all too many signs of a failed economy, minus a standard broken glass window or two after a full weekend of partying. The people seemed happy, the shops, restaurants and bars were still doing business, and Bjork was presumably singing some awful indie song somewhere...

The Next Prefontaine?

Sometimes I even surprise myself at my laziness and/or lack of attention span. One of my classic examples is running on a treadmill: for one reason or another, I cannot seem to run on a treadmill for more than about 30 minutes. Although some could probably make a valid argument that this is simply because I am not in good enough shape to run for over 30 minutes, I don't believe this is the case - I just can't bring myself to do the same activity for over half an hour. It's not the fatigue that kills me; it's the repetition. I could run (walk?) 12 minute miles and STILL not be able to stand on the same damn treadmill for 30 minutes....

Some of the excuses I use to get myself out of running are quite unbelievable; in fact, they really run the gauntlet. Here are just a few to give you a small taste:

1. If one of my "set" of treadmills is unavailable (for a span of 5 minutes or more), I will simply choose not to run.

2. If the tv is not working, I can't run without getting bored (and when bored, I stop).

2a. If there isn't anything on tv that I want to watch, I can't run without getting bored (see above).

2b. If I find something on tv to watch, but it's a repeat and I've already seen it, I can't run without getting bored (see above).

3. If I don't visit the urinal immediately before running, I can't stop thinking about anything besides going to the bathroom, and I stop.

4. If I haven't eaten enough, I tell myself there's no way I can run for over 30 minutes because I don't have enough energy.

4a. If I eat too much, I tell myself there's no way I can run for over 30 minutes because I am too full.

I also don't want to forget my philosophy on the rare occasion that I run on a treadmill during the weekend (and am undoubtedly hungover as balls) - I treat myself to walking during commercials of any program I'm watching.

I keep telling myself that I can't wait till it gets warmer so that I can start running outside, but honestly, who am I kidding?? Once I start running outside, there's a whole other set of excuses and disturbances to utilize. I mean, who doesn't love traffic lights??

So recently I've been utilizing the iPod "Earbud" headphones which were given to me free with my iPod. You know the ones I'm talking about - white, small, and trendy enough to give you the "Hey, I have an iPod" look. I've decided to do this in an effort to become more efficiently
"mobile" after work if I'm not planning on going home. I can't lie to you - although my usual headphones are not those typically found on an air traffic controller, they are a bit bulkier I guess, and as a result, they tend to not fit into my pocket as well as the ipod headphones.

That being said, I have to ask this - who the hell are the people that think these iPod headphones are actually comfortable? First of all, I'm pretty sure that the people sitting next to me on the bus are hearing my music with more clarity than I am. Seriously, how are these things comfortable? I certainly don't pride myself on this, but my ears probably rival those of Dumbo's, and yet I can't seem to fit these damn things into them. Are there classes available on this? Are my "ear holes" (clearly I'm a doctor) smaller than those of normal people? What the hell is going on here?

Does anyone know of more comfortable headphones? In the meantime, I'll grin and bear it, wear them when I have to, and subject people who may have happened to get too close to me to easy listening hits such as "No Easy Way Out" by Robert Tepper (off the Rocky IV soundtrack....you had to ask?)

What's the Deal With...

Pardon my Seinfeldian-style rant, but I'd like to take a little time out of your day to discuss a particular phenomenon to which I still cannot seem to understand (I apologize in advance to my female reader(s) for this entry) - men who decide to use the bathroom stall to urinate (for some reason, use of the word "pee" sounds effeminate to me) when there is an open urinal.

"Gotta go to the john and introduce Mr. Thick Dick to Mr. Urinal Cake."
- Roman Craig, "The Great Outdoors"

Don't get me wrong here - there are definitely a couple scenarios in which I would partake in this as well. Namely:

A. If there are no available urinals (only an idiot would wait for one).

B. If there are only 3 urinals, and the middle one is taken (I try to abide by a one urinal buffer zone for reasons of comfort, as they are anything but spacious...or, if I'm at some type of event where the person next to me is intoxicated enough to the point where they may be missing their target).

*Please note that in any scenario where I would resort to the use of a stall, I see no reason to ever close and/or lock the bathroom stall door. Ever.

So I guess my question is, what would lead someone to not only consistently use a bathroom stall when a urinal is open, and not only do this, but go as far as to lock said bathroom stall? Are you such a bad shot that you don't even want to risk it? Do you have such extreme low self-confidence that you can't use a urinal (note - most people i've seen do this actually seem rather normal aesthetically)? Are these the same people that change into their clothes in a bathroom stall at the gym? What else does this mean from a social norm standpoint?

I figure that since you're already in there, why not just get it done while sitting down? To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure a guy who pisses sitting down is any weirder, and, hey - at least you can relax for a minute and maybe read an article or two, or catch your breath for a minute.

But don't let me stop you from doing something incredibly odd - we all have our quirks. I mean, you are talking to the guy who feels like his food has been contaminated, and thus is inedible, should one portion of his meal ever touch a different piece of food on his plate. Next time I see someone close the door on a bathroom stall when there are a couple open urinals next to me, I'll try not to judge....

The Island: Episode One

After a long awaited hiatus, one of my favorite shows has recently come back to waste more of my time: The MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Just as I did last season, I'd like to utilize this blog once a week for my recap of each episode. Truthfully, its less of a recap and more of a commentary, or an inner monologue. If you haven't actually watched each episode, you probably won't have a clue what I'm talking about.

As I'm well aware, this is probably one of the least popular types of blog entries for the majority of my readers, especially considering I am one of about twelve people in our age bracket who actually watch this show (in all of America, according to the Nielsen ratings,) but I'm willing to take the heat because I enjoy doing this way too much.

As it goes, here's a quick setup of this season's show: There are 20 different former RW/RR cast members, and they are all brought out to this deserted island somewhere off the coast of Panama on BMX by their host, TJ Lavin. By BMX, I mean motor boat. Anyways, this year's setup is much more like Survivor and less like The Gauntlet or The Inferno - the premise is to build 2 boats, with only 4 people per boat, with a few people getting keys to this treasure chest in which you need to open on some other isla.....actually, that's enough of a show summary - if you don't watch it, nothing I say here will actually cause you to begin watching the show.

On to my comments on the episode:

-Tonya is now living in Nebraska? What the hell is Tonya doing in Nebraska? I'd love to find this one out. I mean, how does someone go from "acting" in a Skinemax soft core porn series (yes, that's right: "The Erotic Traveler") to living in NEBRASKA??

-Exactly how many pounds do you think Ashli gained since we last saw her becoming a homewrecker on RW Australia? Can we set the over/under at 25 pounds? She was doing some work on that rice too. Let's try to hold back on the carbs there, Ashli.

-Who the hell is Dan?

-Love the fact that Kelly Anne went straight from projectile vomiting to smiling as if she just won her first Oscar.

-Abram is absolutely out of his mind....and I love every minute of it.

-I can't get over the fact that Derrick got married, and has a kid on the way. First of all, I would LOVE to see Derek's wife, and secondly, let's read that sentence over again - Derrick has a KID on the way. He sure seems ready for a kid, especially with his past history of drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and did I mention uncontrollable fits of rage, crying, and/or aggression?

-By Jenn's comments, are we to assume that she hooked up with Rachel?? I feel like this was somewhat implied. If so, where's my footage? Come on, guys - this is MTV we are talking about.

On a side note, it hurts to say this, but I think I nominate Jenn as most improved in terms of hotness. This is not saying she is hot - it merely notes that she is more attractive than when we last saw her. Johanna still rates as # 1 in my book.

-Where exactly is TJ coming from? Do you think he lives on the island as well? Possibly in a suite, complete with A/C, television, running water/showers, etc.? Or is he living in the same awful conditions as the competitors?

-These air drops from the Army better not only bring food and pieces of the boat to the cast members. If so, its gonna be a LONG season. Let's hope that MTV hasn't forgotten the one key ingredient which keeps this show moving - ALCOHOL. I realize the 1st episode featured some booze, but something tells me that this stuff won't be rationed nearly as well as the rice and chicken. Without alcohol, there will be no hookups, no fights, no anything - the show would essentially be a bunch of superficial, pretentious idiots just sitting around waiting for an elimination challenge. Please tell me this is not the case, MTV.

In summation - good initial episode, and hoping for a stellar season all around.

Lessons I missed in 6th Grade

Generally, I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy - I speak a foreign language (arguably), I know when the correct time is to use "who" or "whom," I know the Spanish Armada occurred in 1588, I can point out the province of Manitoba on a map.....the list is endless, readers.

That being said, there are 2 things which must have slighted me in my youth, and they continue to be problematic in my "professional" years:

1. Cursive script

2. The ampersand (&)

Let's begin with cursive. I have a slight recognition of taking classes in cursive, and although I was clearly not bound for a career in calligraphy, I could at least write it. Now it has gotten to
the point where any knowledge I had of it has been completely erased from my memory, just like "Saved By the Bell: The College Years." This culminated about 5 years ago, when I was taking the LSAT. After the test, you are required to copy a paragraph stating you didn't cheat, ect. - in cursive. What did I do, you ask? I CHEATED. I copied it in regular print and attempted to turn it in. The important word here being "attempted.". That's right - the proxy handed it back to me, informing me it must be done in cursive. Humiliated in front of a classroom of people I didn't even know, I sauntered back to my chair and attempted to use cursive for a full paragraph. Even though I improvised very liberally, this small feat took me nearly 10 minutes, and I felt exhausted at the end. Anyone who knows me is fairly aware of the fact that to this day, I can barely even sign my own name in cursive, let alone write a sentence. This, friends, is embarrassing on so many levels.

Now, gracefully moving on to the ampersand. I'm afraid there's not all too much that can be said here. Bottom line - for the life of me, I cannot draw an ampersand. Is this something one is taught in school? If so, I must have missed that class. Perhaps the ampersand is a close relative of cursive? It wouldn't surprise me at all....that nemesis.

Yesterday, I was attempting to write down the name of a company, which, sure enough, had an "&" in the name. You know exactly where this is going...I couldn't do it. I tried over and over again, looking at the damn ampersand, tracing its lines and everything, and still couldn't figure it out. Defeated, humiliated by my own actions, and somewhat enraged, I went with a "+".

I'll tell you this - I hope I'm never in a hostage situation where I am forced to write down the name of my fellow hostages (using only ampersands), and if I don't do it correctly, our captor has threatened that all the hostages will die. If this ever occurs, I apologize in advance, and I promise I'll see you on the other side.

Potent Potables

Even at 28 years young, there are still some things I feel like I'll just never be able to fully grasp, and these certain things will continue to annoy the hell out of me. Here are three which come to mind at this very moment:

1. The Wave - in no way am I trying to steal my friend Shane's thunder, as he has gone as far to even create an "I Hate the Wave" t-shirt, but honestly, folks - cut the shit. If you aren't
entertained enough by the actual game going on, then why are you there?? Stop wasting your ticket and give it to someone that actually wants to be there.

2. People who make gulping noises when they drink something. This is a more personal one, as its specifically addressed to my father. I still don't understand - how does this happen, and why? I get it that in Asian cultures, one shows appreciation to the chef by loudly slurping his noodles or soup. But how does this correlate?? By making a loud gulping noise after EVERY sip (followed by an "ahhh" exhale as though he's been in the Sahara for 3 weeks and its his first exposure to a
beverage), is he trying to let the CEO of Coca Cola know how well they did with their latest batch? Pretty sure he's not at the dining room table with us....

3. People who clap at the end of movies and/or airline flights (the latter being more rare). Don't get me wrong - I'm a full fledged clapper, and will do so when appropriate. This includes, among
other activities, sporting events, concerts, WWF wrestling matches (I refuse to refer to the sport as "WWE"), and spelling bees. I just can't understand why people clap at the end of a movie. The genre of movie doesn't matter - it could be an action film or a great drama. Listen to me, people - JUST LEAVE. We clap to show appreciation to whomever is doing a fantastic job....but here's the thing - in all appropriate circumstances, that individual is always there with you, whether on the court, the stage, the ring, etc. Unless the director or an actor is in the theatre watching the movie with you, let me assure you - you look like an idiot clapping.

As far as clapping at the end of a flight goes, I feel like this should not even be a debatable topic. Unless your plane has lost a wing or is completely engulfed in flames, just get up and get off the
damn plane when it lands. Where do you cross the line at clapping during commutes? Pretty sure I'm not giving a round of applause to my cabby after driving me downtown, even if he made it without catching any red lights. I'll be holding the applause for the t driver too - sorry, pal. So why would you clap at the end of a plane ride? Because you made it back on the ground without dying? Pretty sure you're safer on a plane than you are on the T nowadays.

Well, I guess those are enough observations for one day.....I'm exhausted.