The Island: Episode One

After a long awaited hiatus, one of my favorite shows has recently come back to waste more of my time: The MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Just as I did last season, I'd like to utilize this blog once a week for my recap of each episode. Truthfully, its less of a recap and more of a commentary, or an inner monologue. If you haven't actually watched each episode, you probably won't have a clue what I'm talking about.

As I'm well aware, this is probably one of the least popular types of blog entries for the majority of my readers, especially considering I am one of about twelve people in our age bracket who actually watch this show (in all of America, according to the Nielsen ratings,) but I'm willing to take the heat because I enjoy doing this way too much.

As it goes, here's a quick setup of this season's show: There are 20 different former RW/RR cast members, and they are all brought out to this deserted island somewhere off the coast of Panama on BMX by their host, TJ Lavin. By BMX, I mean motor boat. Anyways, this year's setup is much more like Survivor and less like The Gauntlet or The Inferno - the premise is to build 2 boats, with only 4 people per boat, with a few people getting keys to this treasure chest in which you need to open on some other isla.....actually, that's enough of a show summary - if you don't watch it, nothing I say here will actually cause you to begin watching the show.

On to my comments on the episode:

-Tonya is now living in Nebraska? What the hell is Tonya doing in Nebraska? I'd love to find this one out. I mean, how does someone go from "acting" in a Skinemax soft core porn series (yes, that's right: "The Erotic Traveler") to living in NEBRASKA??

-Exactly how many pounds do you think Ashli gained since we last saw her becoming a homewrecker on RW Australia? Can we set the over/under at 25 pounds? She was doing some work on that rice too. Let's try to hold back on the carbs there, Ashli.

-Who the hell is Dan?

-Love the fact that Kelly Anne went straight from projectile vomiting to smiling as if she just won her first Oscar.

-Abram is absolutely out of his mind....and I love every minute of it.

-I can't get over the fact that Derrick got married, and has a kid on the way. First of all, I would LOVE to see Derek's wife, and secondly, let's read that sentence over again - Derrick has a KID on the way. He sure seems ready for a kid, especially with his past history of drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and did I mention uncontrollable fits of rage, crying, and/or aggression?

-By Jenn's comments, are we to assume that she hooked up with Rachel?? I feel like this was somewhat implied. If so, where's my footage? Come on, guys - this is MTV we are talking about.

On a side note, it hurts to say this, but I think I nominate Jenn as most improved in terms of hotness. This is not saying she is hot - it merely notes that she is more attractive than when we last saw her. Johanna still rates as # 1 in my book.

-Where exactly is TJ coming from? Do you think he lives on the island as well? Possibly in a suite, complete with A/C, television, running water/showers, etc.? Or is he living in the same awful conditions as the competitors?

-These air drops from the Army better not only bring food and pieces of the boat to the cast members. If so, its gonna be a LONG season. Let's hope that MTV hasn't forgotten the one key ingredient which keeps this show moving - ALCOHOL. I realize the 1st episode featured some booze, but something tells me that this stuff won't be rationed nearly as well as the rice and chicken. Without alcohol, there will be no hookups, no fights, no anything - the show would essentially be a bunch of superficial, pretentious idiots just sitting around waiting for an elimination challenge. Please tell me this is not the case, MTV.

In summation - good initial episode, and hoping for a stellar season all around.

Lessons I missed in 6th Grade

Generally, I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy - I speak a foreign language (arguably), I know when the correct time is to use "who" or "whom," I know the Spanish Armada occurred in 1588, I can point out the province of Manitoba on a map.....the list is endless, readers.

That being said, there are 2 things which must have slighted me in my youth, and they continue to be problematic in my "professional" years:

1. Cursive script

2. The ampersand (&)

Let's begin with cursive. I have a slight recognition of taking classes in cursive, and although I was clearly not bound for a career in calligraphy, I could at least write it. Now it has gotten to
the point where any knowledge I had of it has been completely erased from my memory, just like "Saved By the Bell: The College Years." This culminated about 5 years ago, when I was taking the LSAT. After the test, you are required to copy a paragraph stating you didn't cheat, ect. - in cursive. What did I do, you ask? I CHEATED. I copied it in regular print and attempted to turn it in. The important word here being "attempted.". That's right - the proxy handed it back to me, informing me it must be done in cursive. Humiliated in front of a classroom of people I didn't even know, I sauntered back to my chair and attempted to use cursive for a full paragraph. Even though I improvised very liberally, this small feat took me nearly 10 minutes, and I felt exhausted at the end. Anyone who knows me is fairly aware of the fact that to this day, I can barely even sign my own name in cursive, let alone write a sentence. This, friends, is embarrassing on so many levels.

Now, gracefully moving on to the ampersand. I'm afraid there's not all too much that can be said here. Bottom line - for the life of me, I cannot draw an ampersand. Is this something one is taught in school? If so, I must have missed that class. Perhaps the ampersand is a close relative of cursive? It wouldn't surprise me at all....that nemesis.

Yesterday, I was attempting to write down the name of a company, which, sure enough, had an "&" in the name. You know exactly where this is going...I couldn't do it. I tried over and over again, looking at the damn ampersand, tracing its lines and everything, and still couldn't figure it out. Defeated, humiliated by my own actions, and somewhat enraged, I went with a "+".

I'll tell you this - I hope I'm never in a hostage situation where I am forced to write down the name of my fellow hostages (using only ampersands), and if I don't do it correctly, our captor has threatened that all the hostages will die. If this ever occurs, I apologize in advance, and I promise I'll see you on the other side.

Potent Potables

Even at 28 years young, there are still some things I feel like I'll just never be able to fully grasp, and these certain things will continue to annoy the hell out of me. Here are three which come to mind at this very moment:

1. The Wave - in no way am I trying to steal my friend Shane's thunder, as he has gone as far to even create an "I Hate the Wave" t-shirt, but honestly, folks - cut the shit. If you aren't
entertained enough by the actual game going on, then why are you there?? Stop wasting your ticket and give it to someone that actually wants to be there.

2. People who make gulping noises when they drink something. This is a more personal one, as its specifically addressed to my father. I still don't understand - how does this happen, and why? I get it that in Asian cultures, one shows appreciation to the chef by loudly slurping his noodles or soup. But how does this correlate?? By making a loud gulping noise after EVERY sip (followed by an "ahhh" exhale as though he's been in the Sahara for 3 weeks and its his first exposure to a
beverage), is he trying to let the CEO of Coca Cola know how well they did with their latest batch? Pretty sure he's not at the dining room table with us....

3. People who clap at the end of movies and/or airline flights (the latter being more rare). Don't get me wrong - I'm a full fledged clapper, and will do so when appropriate. This includes, among
other activities, sporting events, concerts, WWF wrestling matches (I refuse to refer to the sport as "WWE"), and spelling bees. I just can't understand why people clap at the end of a movie. The genre of movie doesn't matter - it could be an action film or a great drama. Listen to me, people - JUST LEAVE. We clap to show appreciation to whomever is doing a fantastic job....but here's the thing - in all appropriate circumstances, that individual is always there with you, whether on the court, the stage, the ring, etc. Unless the director or an actor is in the theatre watching the movie with you, let me assure you - you look like an idiot clapping.

As far as clapping at the end of a flight goes, I feel like this should not even be a debatable topic. Unless your plane has lost a wing or is completely engulfed in flames, just get up and get off the
damn plane when it lands. Where do you cross the line at clapping during commutes? Pretty sure I'm not giving a round of applause to my cabby after driving me downtown, even if he made it without catching any red lights. I'll be holding the applause for the t driver too - sorry, pal. So why would you clap at the end of a plane ride? Because you made it back on the ground without dying? Pretty sure you're safer on a plane than you are on the T nowadays.

Well, I guess those are enough observations for one day.....I'm exhausted.

Manny (Done) Being Manny in Boston

And so the Manny Ramirez era has finally come to an end in Boston. What do I have to say about it, you ask? Well, thank you for asking....here are my thoughts:

Let's see what exactly we gave up for Jason Bay (who I will speak about later): Manny Ramirez, $7 million, Craig Hansen, and Brandon Moss. That's right - one of the top 5 hitters of our generation, the rest of his contract, a former #1 draft pick with nasty stuff who may
or may not figure it out at some point, and decent prospect with a decent upside. Admittedly, I'm not heartbroken with giving up Hansen and Moss, as the former would never bounce back (on our team at least) by being thrown into the fire his rookie year, and I considered Moss to be an average outfielder (20 HRs, .290 BA), but nothing more. That being said, the closest thing I ever was to being a scout was donning that awful uniform as a kid and starting out as a "cub" (I swear my father made me!). One has to ask - were we THAT desperate to trade Manny Ramirez??

Now let's switch gears for a moment and take a quick look at Jason Bay. Having a solid season this year (very similar to Manny's), and aside from the statistical blemish that was last year, has had a very solid career. Great average, great OBP, 35 HRs, and even some steals.
I should also mention that he's almost 7 years younger than Manny, he only makes $5 million per year (though this year is a moot point, as we are paying him AND Manny), and he's under contract for another year. That being said he has always played in the National League, and he has always played for a team that hasn't been good since Doug Drabek was throwing seeds for them back in the 80s. If you don't know who Doug Drabek is, I've made my point. Can Jason Bay come into a pressure situation, where all eyes are on him? Think JD Drew in '07, Michael
"Primetime" Coleman, Dwayne Hosey (just kidding on the last 2...or am I?). Can he come up big when it counts? Don't forget - Manny was World Series MVP back in '04, and his performance in '07 certainly was not a detriment to the team. Only time will tell - good luck Jason Bay, for all of our sakes.

Don't get me wrong - I see where the Red Sox were going with this - they can't handle Manny for another 2 months, and by dumping his and schilling's contracts (Curt, I think I hear 38 Studios calling...no, seriously), that opens up $20.5 extra million dollars next year for the free agent market (including Bay's $7.5 million for next yr). But here's what I think the Sox should have done:

-Every year Manny has his 2 week temper tantrum. Every year he comes back and mashes the ball. This year was a bit different, in that I think Manny was doing it to make sure the Sox knew he did not want them to pick up his option.

- That being said, Manny knew (or at least Scott Boras knew) that he couldn't continue playing like the next Julio Lugo for the next 2 months, because he is in a contract year and wants to get PAID next year. Poor performance equals poor new contract.

-Theo and his little Theo clones should have said "Look, Manny - we know you are going to be a bitch if we pick up your option, so here's the deal, which is a win-win situation: you play hard for the next 2 months, we don't pick up your option for next year, and you pick up a nice big
contract for next year from another team (that thinks they will be able to control your actions)." What's so wrong with that? Manny isn't that dumb, is he? We end up with the best hitter in the AL going on all cylinders for 2 months, a better chance to win another World Series, we have $20 million extra to pick up someone else, AND we get 2 extra 1st round draft picks next year when someone else picks Manny up (Editor's note #1: need to look into this, as I'm not sure if you get compensation if a team denies an option) (Editor's note #2: I am my own editor).

That being said, I'm not Theo Epstein and I don't know what else was happening behind the scenes. Theo is a smart enough guy to lay it on the line with Manny, so maybe it just wasn't gonna work. Let's just hope that the traveling secretary for the Dodgers is a little younger this time.

Ino Guerrero, this is your official wakeup call - your services are no longer needed in the Red Sox clubhouse.

The New Olympics....

Everyone that has gotten a chance to know me, or more importantly, has had the privilege to participate in any type of athletic activity with me, is fairly quick to notice one of my finest traits: I sweat....a lot. I'm sure genetics have a lot to do with this, so unless I find a quick, non-dangerous and cheap solution for the complete removal of sweat glands, I'm out of luck.

Being a born and bred Red Sox fan, I can say that I've gotten a few games under my belt. And I don't think I'm the only one that has noticed one obvious characteristic about our "Greek God of Walks," Kevin Youkilis: he sweats....a lot. Its borderline comical to watch the steady stream of perspiration flow from under his batting helmet as if his head were a faucet. Needless to say, the bald head does not help things.

So one evening I was having a rather intellectual conversation with my friend Shane about my uncanny god-given ability to sweat and our conversation turned to the Red Sox. In a moment of clarity, I argued that no matter how badly Youk sweats, I believe I could, in fact, out-sweat him. And then I did it - I proposed a "Sweat Off" with the All-Star first baseman.

So without further adieu, the following are my proposed rules to the introductory Kevin Youkilis vs Matt Dominici sweat off:

1 - Out of fairness, either I need to shave my head completely, or Youk needs to grow a full head of hair. This will be settled by a best out of 3 match of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

2 - A batting helmet must be worn at all times.

3 - The first event will consist of a 2 mile run. This will also help to establish somewhat of a handicap. Whichever person has a better per mile average will start out with negative sweating points. I believe that Youkilis, being a pro athlete, has a higher threshold for perspiration, and (once again) out of fairness, this needs to be made note of.

4 - The next event will simply be the "Sit and do Nothing" category. This event is somewhat tough to grasp for non Sweat-Off fans: you literally sit on a couch and do nothing for a full hour in 85 degree heat. 100% humidity is a necessity as well.

5 - One can't have a Sweat Off without the fan favorite: a trip on the Green Line from Cleveland Circle to Kenmore Square in a full suit (with batting helmet, obviously). Regulations dictate that the train must be completely full, with the air conditioning broken, and the trip must be taken during the summer months. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then apparently you've never lived in Brookline or Allston/Brighton....

6 - Consume a Super Burrito from Ana's Taqueria absolutely loaded with jalapenos and hot sauce. This could potentially be my downfall; I'm not sure how Youk deals with spicy foods, but I start sweating the second I see a green pepper, let alone a jalapeno. For some reason, I feel like Greeks have a much higher threshold for spicy foods. On second thought, I may be pulling this event from the competition.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon your opinion), these are all the events I could come up with on such short notice. Feel free to add any potential events. However, I don't really see the Sweat Off being much of a spectator sport for some odd reason....though I can't exactly pinpoint why.

As far as an award, hmmm....Well, I guess that the person who sweats more wins title as...person who sweats more?

Bring it on, Youkilis.....

"I Don't Drink Merlot!!"

Its ok to admit it - every one of you has that friend (or nemesis) that you affectionately refer to as the "Wine Snob." This the guy who spends an inordinate amount of time swilling his wine in front of his nose, attempting to fully unleash the aroma, or

"bouquet," as he properly refers to it as. The Wine Snob can spend hours obnoxiously talking about the superiority of pinot grapes grown in the Napa Valley in 2005 versus those grown in the San Fernando Valley, and, frankly, all you want to do is punch him in the stomach in an attempt to cease the constant discourse. "Are you really drinking THAT Chardonnay? 2007? (scoffing) You must have plucked that from the discount rack." Yes, think Paul Giamatti’s character from Sideways. If you wanted a Sommelier as a friend, you would have gone to a wine tasting and paid for a guy to ask you if you noticed the hint of chestnut in your Merlot. Naturally, this today’s blog topic: I’d like to introduce you to the close relative of the Wine Snob (perhaps a cousin of sorts): THE BEER SNOB.

I realize the concept of a Beer Snob may be tough to grasp initially, as the words used together may even be thought of as an oxy moron. Fundamentally, beer itself has been known for centuries (note: I have absolutely no proof, and this statement is most likely false) as the “drink of the working man,” with wine being the choice of those who
prefer "the finer things in life." Like most, I prefer a cold one at any function where alcohol should be a necessity - ranging from barbecue to birthday party to christening after-party (yes, it happens). Hand me a Bud Heavy, Coors Light or a Natty Light and I'm a happy man. On the rare day that I'm looking to treat myself, perhaps ill indulge in a Sam Adams or even an import, like a Caffreys. Alas, these beers mean nothing to the Beer Snob; merely flavored water.

My first encounter with elusive yet illustrious Beer Snob occurred a few weekends ago at a friend's engagement party in NH. I sat down at a table, cold can of Bud Light in hand, when my friend (the host of the party) sat down with an extra large bottle of beer and plastic glasses for each of us. Somewhat estranged by the abnormally large bottle, I
started asking questions about the beer (some Allaghash brewed in old bourbon casks or something). Cue the beer snob, who at that point was in earshot of my voice, and was clearly the purchaser of said libation. Comedy ensued.

In light of my experience, figured the best thing I could do is provide a list of telltale signs that you have encountered a Beer Snob:

1. Typically dressed in the clothes of a hipster. You know the style - somewhat shaggy hair, black architect style glasses, usually wearing a t-shirt he either bought at goodwill, or bought brand new that attempts to look like a shirt one bought at goodwill, only for $20+.

2. Brings his own beer to a party. Depending upon the beer snob, he will either bring only enough beer to serve himself, or if he's generous, enough bottles to provide his "friends" with a taste as well.

It should be noted that, more often than not, the bottle larger than most beer bottles - 24 ounces or larger is standard for a Beer Snob beer. This is definitely a prerequisite.

3. When excitedly informing you about the type of beer he brought, scoffs at the notion that you aren't familiar with the brewery or beer itself. Do not be discouraged at this point made by the Beer Snob - you should not know about the name of some beer brewed by 2 brothers in the basement of their mother’s home in Moscow, Idaho.

4. As mentioned above, if generous, Beer Snob will provide samples to passers by and the like. Upon asking for your thoughts, if one does not act if he just sipped from the Holy Grail, it will elicit one of two reactions from the Beer Snob, both being lose-lose situations for the taster:

1. He will become incredibly angry, begin nodding his head in disgust, and tell you "thanks for wasting my beer. Have fun going back to drinking your water...I mean Bud Light.”

2. He will become incredibly angry, begin nodding his head in disgust, actually pull the rest of your sample from right in front of you and pour it back into his own glass, and tell you "thanks for wasting my beer. Have fun going back to drinking your water....I mean Bud Light." Note: although this seems somewhat extreme, it is not as uncommon a reaction as one would suppose for a Beer Snob.

This brings me to the long-awaited answer to the age-old question, “What should I do in case I encounter a Beer Snob?” In short, I advise you do one of two things:

1. RUN…..fast.

2. Sit back and enjoy the experience. Go ahead – act as ignorant as you possibly can to the rhetoric spewing from the Beer Snob, and attempt to instigate him to be even more irritable and snobby than usual.

If you want my opinion, I’d suggest you allow the Beer Snob to do what he does and soak it all in, as you would a fine wine….or, in my case, a fine Natty Light.

Dave & Tim

So lately, I've been indulging myself in the music of yesteryear (a little used word, in my opinion - I'm bringing it back!) - I've been listening to a lot of Dave Matthews Band; more specifically, the "Dave & Tim Reynolds" acoustic stuff. I haven't found any underlying reason for this current phase besides a pure appreciation for the music, but I'm sure my psychiatrist would tell you otherwise.

Anyways, I've started to notice a trend amongst the fans at these concerts - they clearly have developed this fascination of the use of marijuana references. Whenever Dave mentions anything revolving around the "Celtic Green" (as one of my pothead friends calls it) the crowd simply ERUPTS in cheer, screaming and ranting and raving (and presumably, waving lighters around as well?). Examples:

1. In Crush, the line "Sitting, smoking, feeling high" emits such a roar from the crowd that you would have thought we found out the French just stormed the Bastille.

2. In When the World Ends, the line "We'll be burning one" gets the exact same response.

I get it, folks - you smoke weed too. Though I don't exactly understand what message you are trying to convey here. I've narrowed it down to a couple different understandings:

A. The crowd wants Dave Matthews to not that they smoke marijuana as well, and like it as much as he does, and is saying "see - we are a lot like you!"

B. The members of the crowd cheering to the weed references want to make sure other fans know that they, in fact, smoke weed. By the process of deduction, this equates a certain level of "coolness" to them, and separates them from the "other, non-cool" fans.

So here's my question - is this phenomenon unique of Dave Matthews Band loving crowds, or does it happen at all concerts? I can't imagine people cheering every time (3 times in all) Tom Petty says "Let's get to the point...let's roll another joint" in You Don't Know How it Feels. I mean, isn't that a little overkill? After the first cheer, I would think that the pro-weed cheer kind of loses its allure. I mean, do you think every time Snoop refers to "Smoking endo, sipping on gin and juice," his crowd starts screaming like a pack of girls who spot Justin Timberlake on the street (note: you could also replace "pack of girls" with my 29 year old male, straight roommate, but that's another story)? Pretty sure Joe Fan isn't sitting there saying "Wait a minute, Bob - we like Bombay Sapphire as well - start clapping!!" Alas, this is all speculation, as I don't really have any real information to go by, unfortunately....

Is it possible this says something about the Dave Matthews Band fanbase? What about marijuana users in general? Is it possible I need to cut down on my carbohydrates (I guess that's a personal question)? I do not want to opine on any of this, so please feel free to make your own judgments.

ps - Did I catch you with the psychiatrist comment? I bet I did! I don't really have a psychiatrist.....seriously - if you want proof, just ask my psychologist.