Beware Harassment in the Workplace

So I just spent about an hour today undergoing one of the many online training courses available (read: required) at John Hancock. On today's menu: HARASSMENT (though it's definitely funnier when said by a British person). I'm sure everyone knows what I'm talking about here - a course, taken on an annual basis, which teaches us bonehead employees the limits of harassment from all different angles - sexual, age, gender, ethnicity, religion, etc. - you name it, and we'll show you how not to do it.

First of all, I always love wasting an hour of my time to cease doing actual work and take these courses. Not only can you not fail them no matter how hard you try (trust me...they don't let you), but they are absolutely hilarious. I'm not sure if this is simply due to the unintentional comedy found within the scenarios provided, the fact that the person behind these may actually have a sense of humor, or that my mind is just absolutely warped....could be a combination of all three.

Secondly, I look at the pictures of these supposed "co-workers" of mine, and their professional appearance certainly appears to leave something to be desired. Sign me up for the company that allows people to show up to work like this. One of the main characters, Dan (a gaunt fellow in his lower 20's) clearly has not shaven for a few days. Not only is he in the awkward stage in terms of "is it a beard or is he just lazy and/or disheveled?" but his facial hair is spotty at best. I was able to grow more facial hair than Dan when I was 13. And then there's Darrell, who not only sports well too large of a hoop earring than any male should (not that there's anything wrong with that...), but is wearing some semblance of a coat (or a shirt...can't tell) that can only lead me to guess that either he is on his way out to, or has just come back from, an African safari.

Also, the phrases used within this thing are amazing. The creators must have been going with the "let's be trendy" direction with the language used throughout the training, but clearly could only do so to a point, ostensibly to make sure that the older crowd would understand the terms being used just as easy as the younger crowd would. As we know through training, we don't want to offend anyone over the age of 40, as this may be seen as a form of age harassment. But to use the phrase "dirty dancing" when talking about "her hips swaying from side to side," how is someone not going to find this amusing? This is one of many examples throughout the video.

Talking about age harassment, there was a great scene in the age harassment section in which there is a 61 year old woman by the name of Beverly (these names are great) who is being verbally accosted by her 54 year old co-worker about being too old to know anything; I believe the quote was something like "I didn't know they had television in the Stone Age, Beverly," in response to poor, innocent Bev telling fellow colleagues what her favorite show was growing up. Though I tend to agree with Beverly that the statement was quite offensive, there are 2 problems here: A. Beverly is 61, and her picture is that of a 61 year old, but the voice used for her sounds like she's about 85, and B. Beverly has other problems to worry about - if I were her, I'd be less concerned with someone making fun of my age and more concerned with a co-worker cracking endless jokes about how I sound like I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger's mother. I realize the creators of the training course were trying to be PC here and include people of all cultures/backgrounds, but really guys?? Couldn't you help Bev out a bit here?

For my other readers also involved in the mindless rat race, good luck to you, and I hope your training courses provide as much enjoyment to you as they do to me.

Real World: Cancun

As much as people dislike me for doing this, once again, I've chosen that I will be the "authority" when it comes to the Real World. I will be using my blog as a forum for my thoughts on each episode, starting with the premiere episode tonight in Cancun. As I've said before, if you are looking for an episode summary, look elsewhere....there are enough places to find that.

So, in no order of importance, here are my initial thoughts on each cast member:

Derek: Didn't get get a good read on him besides the fact that he is openly gay, was adopted and works at a bar. Think we got about 3 words out of him, and 2 involved Jonna being slutty in her past (which is fine with me). Seems like a good guy, and the straight dudes seem to have no problems with him, which is a nice change of pace.

Jonna: Pretty hot, but seriously, relax with the piercings, Jonna. Not only do you have those weird ones on your back, but your "promise piercing"?? You have to be kidding me. I mean, a promise ring is bad enough, but a promise piercing blows it out of the water. Can we set an over/under on how long it takes for her to cheat on her boyfriend? I'm giving it 3 weeks.

Joey: First of all, feel free to correct me, but since when has "Merrimack Valley, MA" been an actual town? Why not just get it over with and say you're from Lawrence (full disclosure - I got this info from the MTV website)? I somewhat question how "hard-core" punk he is even with all those tattoos, but I'll tell you this much - he is definitely the house favorite for pissing every single cast member off at one point or another. Has the ability to be a genuine asshole when he wants to. I also don't understand how he had the gall to put himself to bed the FIRST NIGHT they go out. I'm going to stay out with my new roomies if I have to pass out on the bar that first night. Gotta give the kid respect though, for hooking up on the 1st night with a pretty cute girl ("Courtnee with 2 E's"). Which brings me to.....

Bronne: Not only did you make out with a cougar at the bar, but A. the cougar was completely unattractive, and B. IT WAS COURTNEE'S MOM. Utterly hilarious. That being said, what the hell is a 40 something year old doing in Cancun? Does this happen regularly? I'll need to consult with an experienced spring breaker veteran on this. Anyways, this guy has some real potential to be the funniest guy on the show, and besides the fact that he couldn't hold his booze at the bar, he is definitely my favorite cast member - already came out with a few great lines tonight - his comment about being thankful he has a gay roommate cause he can finally get help with his wardrobe, though a stereotype, was damn funny. Kinda reminds me of Isaac from Australia, but less weird.

Jasmine: Like Derek, don't know much about this girl besides the fact that she's really short. Jury is out on her, but I get the feeling that she is somewhat bitchy when she wants to be. Has pretty much spent all of her time with her new BFF,....

Ayiiia: May be the hottest girl on the show in my book, though her teeth could use some work. If I was her, I would probably hop on a plane and get over the border though, cause I wouldn't trust a Mexican DDS as far as I can throw him (I actually just wanted to use the acronym "DDS" in this blog). I would also like to point out that I think she spells her name wrong - the name is odd enough, but three I's?? Really? I'd just stick with 2. Seems like her and Jasmine are not really interested in hooking up with any guys. I hope this changes, or I hope they start getting interested in hooking up with each other..

CJ: In terms of unintentional comedy, this dude is hilarious. I could not stop laughing at him all show. It's been a long time since I've seen someone so narcissistic on any show, let alone The Real World. You're an NFL Free Agent? Christ, I could have called myself a "free agent" when I graduated from college too, CJ. Love the fact that he does exercises before he goes out to make his arms look bigger, and his leg stretching after he got home from the bar absolutely killed me. I expect big things out of you, CJ. Big things.

Emilee: Once again, don't say you're from Boston - you're from HAMILTON, which is easily 35+ minutes outside of Boston. And I didn't know they let girls with single A cups work at Hooters (by the way, where is there a Hooters in Boston?). And you're 1/4 african american? Sorry, I don't believe it. She is the classic case of a girl who has never seen a gay person before, never seen an african american, never left her little bubble....MTV eats this stuff up, and so do I. And one more thing: SHE IS CRAZY. I'm giving 5-1 odds that this girl is absolutely nuts. Just wait, my friends. On a sidenote, she's pretty hot....

Other General Thoughts:

Cast - MTV - THANK YOU for not only giving us viewers a girl majority with respect to cast members, but making them all semi-attractive at the very least.

House - Pretty sick. Shocker that they have an "ocean view," as from what my friend (a wiley Cancun veteran) says, Cancun is basically a strip, so unless you're staying in the janitor's closet, your hotel is going to have an ocean view. Added bonus that it's located in a hotel. Hello Real World Las Vegas!!

Computer - Are you serious? Talk about a complete lack of privacy. I mean, their computer screen is larger than any television I've ever owned....

Massachusetts - Does anyone think its weird that there are THREE people on the show this season with Massachusetts ties? What. The. Hell. This is either a good thing or a bad thing. I'm yet to determine which....

Profession - Why is EVERY single girl a waitress? Mix it up a bit next time, MTV...

My Icelandic Experience

So many of my faithful readers (I'll call you tomorrow, Ma) are aware that last night I just got back from an extended weekend stay in Iceland. Why Iceland, you ask? Why not. Needless to say, many people have numerous questions about this experience, with even more looking for a full summary. After much thought, I've come to the decision that in lieu of providing a full narrative of my adventures in Iceland, I'll be providing you with a series of rules to live by when vacationing in Iceland, to better prepare you for your experience, should you ever decide to make the trek.

Please note that this is not meant to be representative of a negative experience in Iceland, as I had an amazing trip. Lastly, as always, this list is in no order of importance.

1. Never walk around Reykjavik wearing sandals, flip flops, or any type of open toed shoes. The amount of broken glass on the streets after a weekend night is enough to [insert cheezy awful joke].

2. Make sure you pack your black clothes. All black, nothing else. Full disclosure: I got this piece of info from a pamphlet, which stated Icelandic people wear all black for "practical purposes." When I asked several Icelandic people about this, no one had an answer.

3. Don't plan on going out any earlier than 2 AM. As a matter of fact, don't even try to venture outside until at least 10 PM or you'll feel uncomfortably alone walking through the city.

4. NEVER eat hakarl. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

5. Wearing jeans out is "in" right now, provided that it is part of a "smart" outfit (once again, I stole this helpful hint from a handout).

6. Sunglasses are necessary when on a sunny day while on a glacier, or else you'll be essentially rendered blind. Gear is also a necessity.

7. Most Icelandic do not like highways, as they are considered "boring." When faced with the decision to drive on a highway vs a semi-frozen riverbed complemented with other various offroad hazards and snow-filled hilly trails where it takes 10 minutes to drive 10 feet, they will always choose the latter option.

8. Make sure you grab a hot dog...and you're only cheating yourself if you don't get it fully loaded.

9. Better get used to bad-tasting beer, cause it's there, and it's aptly named "Viking." The 1st beer in Iceland was allowed in 1989, and its quite evident it needs more time to evolve.

10. When in need of appeasing your sweet tooth, you can't go wrong with Opal. It has the consistency of hard licorice complemented by the taste of cough syrup. And while you're at it, feel free to grab a shot of Opal as well. You heard that correctly - they make booze too, and it tastes the same.

11. Don't let anyone try to tell you whale meat doesn't taste good....

12. If you plan on riding horseback, please understand that your "horse" may actually be shorter than you.

13. Go into your trip with the understanding that you have zero shot of being able to read or understand the language in any capacity (historical note: the Icelandic language is actually old-school Norwegian...it's just that Norway's language changed, and Iceland's stayed 12 century Norwegian).

14. If arriving in spring/summer, make sure whatever location you stay in has shades or blinds, cause you are going to need them.

15. Take some time to familiarize yourself with top 40 American music before your arrival, cause you don't want to be left in the dark at the bars (as previously noted, this is only a manner of speech in the summer months).

16. Please start smoking. I don't care if you don't like it. At the least, it keeps you warm.

17. No need to buy a bus pass - you can probably traverse the entire city within 20 minutes.

18. Be sure to stop off at the Blue Lagoon on the airport ride home. You'll see what I'm talking about.

19. Embrace the smell of sulphur, cause you're gonna smell like it no matter what if you decide to shower while in Iceland. Rubbing hard-boiled eggs over your body would probably be a good start.

20. Do not act surprised when you see the same people out every night no matter where you are - its Reykjavik - get used to it.

21. Be sure to pick up some Reyka vodka on your trip; it's surprisingly smooth and you will not be disappointed.

I hope this short (read: overly lengthy) list helps you with your potential trip to Iceland. Say what you want about the country - your economy would probably collapse too if your fishermen rise out of bed one morning and proclaim "So I think I'm going to become a trader today. What? I don't know anything about banking? Who cares!" That being said, I can't lie to you - I could not find all too many signs of a failed economy, minus a standard broken glass window or two after a full weekend of partying. The people seemed happy, the shops, restaurants and bars were still doing business, and Bjork was presumably singing some awful indie song somewhere...

The Next Prefontaine?

Sometimes I even surprise myself at my laziness and/or lack of attention span. One of my classic examples is running on a treadmill: for one reason or another, I cannot seem to run on a treadmill for more than about 30 minutes. Although some could probably make a valid argument that this is simply because I am not in good enough shape to run for over 30 minutes, I don't believe this is the case - I just can't bring myself to do the same activity for over half an hour. It's not the fatigue that kills me; it's the repetition. I could run (walk?) 12 minute miles and STILL not be able to stand on the same damn treadmill for 30 minutes....

Some of the excuses I use to get myself out of running are quite unbelievable; in fact, they really run the gauntlet. Here are just a few to give you a small taste:

1. If one of my "set" of treadmills is unavailable (for a span of 5 minutes or more), I will simply choose not to run.

2. If the tv is not working, I can't run without getting bored (and when bored, I stop).

2a. If there isn't anything on tv that I want to watch, I can't run without getting bored (see above).

2b. If I find something on tv to watch, but it's a repeat and I've already seen it, I can't run without getting bored (see above).

3. If I don't visit the urinal immediately before running, I can't stop thinking about anything besides going to the bathroom, and I stop.

4. If I haven't eaten enough, I tell myself there's no way I can run for over 30 minutes because I don't have enough energy.

4a. If I eat too much, I tell myself there's no way I can run for over 30 minutes because I am too full.

I also don't want to forget my philosophy on the rare occasion that I run on a treadmill during the weekend (and am undoubtedly hungover as balls) - I treat myself to walking during commercials of any program I'm watching.

I keep telling myself that I can't wait till it gets warmer so that I can start running outside, but honestly, who am I kidding?? Once I start running outside, there's a whole other set of excuses and disturbances to utilize. I mean, who doesn't love traffic lights??

So recently I've been utilizing the iPod "Earbud" headphones which were given to me free with my iPod. You know the ones I'm talking about - white, small, and trendy enough to give you the "Hey, I have an iPod" look. I've decided to do this in an effort to become more efficiently
"mobile" after work if I'm not planning on going home. I can't lie to you - although my usual headphones are not those typically found on an air traffic controller, they are a bit bulkier I guess, and as a result, they tend to not fit into my pocket as well as the ipod headphones.

That being said, I have to ask this - who the hell are the people that think these iPod headphones are actually comfortable? First of all, I'm pretty sure that the people sitting next to me on the bus are hearing my music with more clarity than I am. Seriously, how are these things comfortable? I certainly don't pride myself on this, but my ears probably rival those of Dumbo's, and yet I can't seem to fit these damn things into them. Are there classes available on this? Are my "ear holes" (clearly I'm a doctor) smaller than those of normal people? What the hell is going on here?

Does anyone know of more comfortable headphones? In the meantime, I'll grin and bear it, wear them when I have to, and subject people who may have happened to get too close to me to easy listening hits such as "No Easy Way Out" by Robert Tepper (off the Rocky IV soundtrack....you had to ask?)

What's the Deal With...

Pardon my Seinfeldian-style rant, but I'd like to take a little time out of your day to discuss a particular phenomenon to which I still cannot seem to understand (I apologize in advance to my female reader(s) for this entry) - men who decide to use the bathroom stall to urinate (for some reason, use of the word "pee" sounds effeminate to me) when there is an open urinal.

"Gotta go to the john and introduce Mr. Thick Dick to Mr. Urinal Cake."
- Roman Craig, "The Great Outdoors"

Don't get me wrong here - there are definitely a couple scenarios in which I would partake in this as well. Namely:

A. If there are no available urinals (only an idiot would wait for one).

B. If there are only 3 urinals, and the middle one is taken (I try to abide by a one urinal buffer zone for reasons of comfort, as they are anything but spacious...or, if I'm at some type of event where the person next to me is intoxicated enough to the point where they may be missing their target).

*Please note that in any scenario where I would resort to the use of a stall, I see no reason to ever close and/or lock the bathroom stall door. Ever.

So I guess my question is, what would lead someone to not only consistently use a bathroom stall when a urinal is open, and not only do this, but go as far as to lock said bathroom stall? Are you such a bad shot that you don't even want to risk it? Do you have such extreme low self-confidence that you can't use a urinal (note - most people i've seen do this actually seem rather normal aesthetically)? Are these the same people that change into their clothes in a bathroom stall at the gym? What else does this mean from a social norm standpoint?

I figure that since you're already in there, why not just get it done while sitting down? To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure a guy who pisses sitting down is any weirder, and, hey - at least you can relax for a minute and maybe read an article or two, or catch your breath for a minute.

But don't let me stop you from doing something incredibly odd - we all have our quirks. I mean, you are talking to the guy who feels like his food has been contaminated, and thus is inedible, should one portion of his meal ever touch a different piece of food on his plate. Next time I see someone close the door on a bathroom stall when there are a couple open urinals next to me, I'll try not to judge....