Gene Siskel is Turning in His Grave

So lately there has been a lot of conversation among the roommates involving a list of Top 5 movies, and this has really gotten us contemplating our thoughts on what our Top 5 would shape up to be. Naturally, I've decided this would be the perfect forum to list my top 5 to my hundreds of thousands of readers.

First, I'd like to note that the following list is a list of my "5 Favorite Movies." These movies are defined as ones which I can put on at any time and enjoy without fail. Please note that this list is different than a list of "Top 5 movies," which, by my definition, is a list of movies that you think you'll sound intelligent and intellectual by listing when you tell other people (undoubtedly, movies such as "Citizen Kane," "Casablanca," and "Apocalypse Now" would be on this list out of necessity) - I am not the IFI, and don't plan on being.

Also, please note that this is not a listing of my 5 favorite movies that actually moved me to elicit emotions (extremely tough), nor is it my 5 favorite comedies (Caddyshack, Airplane, Lebowski, etc.), as I could create separate lists for each of these, and a host of other categories as well. There are also movies which I thought were absolutely outstanding, but I could not willingly admit that I would be able to watch numerous times and maintain the same level of appreciation for them (Half Nelson, Hotel Rwanda, Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, The Departed immediately come to mind)

The following is my list of 5 Favorite Movies, in no order of importance.

1. A River Runs Through It
2. Good Will Hunting
3. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (only film to make it out of my "top comedies" list
4. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
5. The Royal Tenenbaums

This list is definitely not final, as I'm sure I could have put a lot more thought into it.

Since we are on the subject, I'd like to take a page from one of my favorite new websites, Stuff White People Like, and talk about a few movies which I think people feel like they have to like.

Reservoir Dogs
Pulp Fiction (and, on the whole, any film by Quentin Tarantino)
The Usual Suspects

Now don't get me wrong - I've seen all three of these movies, and I think they're all relatively decent. In fact, extra kudos goes to Usual Suspects, though the allure of Kaiser Soze loses some of its luster after the 1st viewing, as we all know he was not actually picking coffee beans in Guatemala....and yes, that could be the only time in my life I utilize the word "kudos." I now feel like I'm an 8th grade drama club teacher.

Why do people always list these movies in their top 5? Because its cool to do so. Yes, I am fully aware that Pulp Fiction was nominated for 7 Oscars and The Usual Suspects was nominated for 2 as well, but I would argue that these are not, in fact, the reasons as to why people enjoyed the films. These films are all somewhat unique in terms of plot development (think "Memento"), and they all involve relatively intelligent hit men/criminals acting like "normal," rational human beings. I don't buy it for a minute. People who like these films think they are inherently more intelligent than those who don't, because the one's who don't like these movies must only like the mainstream shit (example: "Have fun watching The DaVinci Code"). Admittedly, we all have our quirks: I am a big fan of Charlie Kaufman screenplays, as I enjoy "Being John Malkovich" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," but am I a dick to people who "Just don't get them"? Nope....I'll leave that to the entire hipster population.

Now that I've given my "Favorite 5" and also shit (does "shit" have a past tense? shitted? shat?) on 3 of, most likely, all of my readers' favorite movies, let's make this puppy go interactive. Feel free to either A. Belittle my choices and/or opinions, or B. Provide your own Favorite 5

How (Not) to Land a Girl

Alright, so we all know that each guy has his own way of picking up a girl. Some guys are always on the lookout for a relationship, some guys are just looking for a perfect (or imperfect...some are not very picky) night. As for my group of friends, their differing styles definitely cover the WHOLE spectrum.

Just to name a few, the following is a short list of strategies used by some of my friends:

-The guy who simply sits back at the bar and lets the girls come to him (note: this methodology only works for a few people).

-The guy who puts his hand on the girl's back or around her waist within 5 seconds of speaking with her, and is the hardest worker I've seen in a long time.

-The guy who acts innocent and either A. puts his hands in his backpockets (to enhance his look of innocence) or B. uses a backpack as a "prop" whenever speaking to the girl

-The guy who drops that he was the captain of his prep school lacrosse team as early as he possibly can in the conversation

As for me, I have not yet developed unique style. However, in a non-bar setting, I definitely lean towards the "guy who carries a book around everywhere he goes so people think he is intellectual" look. For those who don't know me (though I'm pretty sure you are not reading this blog if you don't), you will quickly see this is a complete facade within 5 minutes of conversation.

Anyways, allow me to proceed to the whole point of this pointless dribble: One of my roommates (obviously to remain nameless) has a strategy which he believes will allow women to uncover his "sensitive side" - he keeps cassette tapes of the soundtrack for the following films in his car at all times (one always being in his actual tape player):

Aladdin

The Little Mermaid

Note: I can also go on record to state that he knows the lyrics, verbatim, of each of these soundtracks.

Now who am I to judge one's strategy to get women, or, more importantly, which one of these is in fact the "better" soundtrack.....though I do have a soft spot in my heart for "Prince Ali is not my Ali a ba ba," as I'd love to find out what an Ali a ba ba exactly is.

Now, there are a few faults with this technique, to say the least. Here, in my eyes, are the 3 most important:

1. His car is like a 1997 ford taurus. The only girl who would be impressed to get into a car like this would not even be worth it. The line "wanna hop into my Taurus and go for a ride" just doesn't roll off the tongue very easily. Its pretty much equivalent to saying you own a 20 year old chevy cavalier station wagon....not that I know anyone who owned one of those.....

2. Folks, we are talking about the owning the soundtracks to Disney movies by a 25 year old straight male. Perhaps it'd be fine if you were trying to pick up Clay Aiken, but for some reason I feel like a girl may question your sexuality instead of finding your "sensitive side."

3. It's also highly likely that the possession of casette tapes (and, with that, the ownership of a cassette tape player) may be a dealbreaker from the start. Please reference point # 1.

Though he has not yet used this technique in the greater Boston area, I cannot wait to see the success rate of it. I'd love a few trial runs. In the (unbelievable) event that cranking "Under the Sea" with the windows open as he is driving through the suburbs with a pretty lady next to him actually works, you'll be able to find me in the front of the line at Best Buy clutching on to my soon to be purchased The Lion King soundtrack.

The Gauntlet 2/20

Welcome back, kids. My trip to Central America was amazing. If you wanna see any pics, feel free to ask. You can also find all my pictures at www.mattingautemala.com (simply click on the link).

Anyways, got a chance to watch this week's episode of The Gauntlet tonight. As always (with my "track record" being only one previous entry on show, but who's counting?), here are my thoughts on this week's show in no order of importance:

- I don't wanna steal any thunder from The Sports Guy, but honestly guys, how many times are you gonna use "trim the fat" as a Gauntlet strategy phrase?? I feel like there should be a tally system or some type of counter in the corner of the screen to simply get a reading on the usage of this phrase. Seriously? Trim the fat?

-One of my ever-standing questions: How much time is there between challenges? I mean, is there an event every day, or do they have like a week off in between them to get blackout drunk every night (ie. long enough for Derek to think Paula is actually "cool" and attractive).

-I love how the beginning of the show started out with an absolute bang. That Katie cracks me up every time. I think we all know now that katie "hates a fucking liar!!" And does anyone have a solid answer as to why she holds her arms behind her back when she's screaming?? I mean, she does this without fail. Its like she is trying to do the "Superman" dance or something (excuse the Soulja Boy reference).

-Is it me, or is MJ looking more and more like Sideshow Bob each day?

-Can we talk about how the veterans blew the 1st mission? I mean, they were honestly trying to be subtle? Danny was running around in circles, and they decided that if they kept yelling at each other at the top of their lungs, it would make the girls think they were working as hard as possible? If I'm gonna blow a mission, I'm gonna do it in style. I'm gonna show up absolutely hammered, rip my shirt off, and challenge TJ Lavin to a BMX-off. Thing is, there will most likely be no bikes available, I'll start calling him "Cowboy", and I have zero clue what a "BMX-off" is. But I digress....

-I never knew that if you think about a nightmare you had over the course of the night before noon, it will come true. Thanks, Paula. The more you know....


-Who is Tori?

-I'm starting to get a real kick out of Kenny and Evan's running joke involving hiding and then popping out of nowhere whenever a clue comes on the sidekick. Its great they are making a complete mockery of this.

-I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if that wheel for the gauntlet was rigged. Yeah, I said it....I mean, the emaciated gay guy who is 100 lbs soaking wet vs Derek in….hmmm….lets see – the PUZZLE challenge. I mean, the dude complained about his FINGERTIPS hurting…I think I saw him wearing a “Live Strong” bracelet on his bicep. How can it even get up there??

Lastly, I'd like to update my top 3 girls and guys:

GIRLS
1. Casey (on a sidenote, is it ok to fall in love with a character on The Gauntlet? now that Kendall is MIA, I have a new love interest)

2. Robin - her boobs aren't getting any smaller, and it seems like she's the only one on the veterans that can actually get a tan

3. Katie - I really enjoy her screaming; its just funny

GUYS
1a and 1b. Evan and Kenny (see above)

2. Anyone but Frank

3. Anyone but Adam (excluding Frank)

Hobby Hunting??

In a conscious effort to be more "social" with my co-workers, I asked one of my newer colleagues if she had any fun plans for the weekend. With a big smile on her face, she excitedly told me that her and her boyfriend were headed to the National Belt Sander Racing Championships.



Unfortunately, I'm not kidding about this. Without even asking her to repeat what she just said, I simply replied "oh, that sounds like fun," and thought to myself "Are we in Russia?" Its true, folks, there is a nationwide competition where people RACE the same objects that they use to build a house. Kinda makes me think, what kind of competitions can one think up using only a level?

Back to belt sander racing. Obviously, there are your standard Belt Sander racing questions - "Is there a maximum weight for a belt sander?" "What type of sandpaper do you use?" "How does one "soup up" a belt sander (think putting a big spoiler and really loud exhaust on an Acura Integra to "get a few more horses")?" "What design would I use for my belt sander?" More importantly, WHAT TYPE OF PERSON ATTENDS BELT SANDER RACING COMPETITIONS?? I'd love to go to one of these events and be a real part of the action. The experience must be like none other - plus they sell beer....

Which brings me to my next topic - MONSTER TRUCK RACING. Now, I'm willing to bet that everyone has seen this at some point on tv in their lives (Who doesn't remember Bigfoot??). Well, I'm not sure about you, but I've always wanted to attend one of these events. And this passion has only gotten stronger the older I get for some reason. Funny thing is, I couldn't even care less about cars in general. I mean, I was only a year away from being eligible to get Antique plates on my 1985 station wagon before it mysteriously disappeared (my dad needed a "tax deduction," apparently). But I keep seeing these commercials for this MONSTER JAM, and I really can't get enough. Don't lie to me - you get excited to0 - how can you not get excited with that announcer giving the old "SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only need THE EDGE!" in the bass voice. But simply going to Monster Jam (Worcester, MA Feb 15-17) isn't enough - I want to fully immerse myself in the experience. I need to dress like absolute white trash, get the trucker hat (the non-Ashton Kutcher version...), a nice pair of tight stonewashed jeans, and to top it off, at least 3 flasks full of cheap as shit whiskey. I wanna be hammered and screaming when those trucks race, or crush those cars really loudly, or do whatever they do......

I can't wait for the day when my Belt Sander racegoing (is that a word?) co-worker asks me "you doing anything fun this weekend?" I'll wait a beat, look her right in the eyes with an ear to ear smile on my face, and tell her "I'll be at Monster Jam." Now that, my friends, is how you one-up somebody....

On a serious note, Just What You Expected will be on hiatus for the upcoming week, as its acclaimed author will be occupied with trying to not get kidnapped while spending a week in Gautemala. Please do not hesitate to email me if you would like to guest-blog.

The Gauntlet

I realize I'm a little late in terms of throwing my hat in the mix, but I wanted to take a little time to discuss one of my favorite time wasters, the Real World vs Road Rules Gauntlet. Ah yes, its that time of year again...actually, isn't one of these shows on ALL the time on MTV? SPOILER ALERT

So I'll leave the episode recap to my good friend's new blog, as this forum will be more of a commentary of the episode on the whole. I figure it's better to do this in a stream of consciousness format, as thats the way my mind works most of the time anyways. I apologize in advance that there are no pictures or anything, but its past midnight on a weekday, I've had a bit to drink, and I'd like to get to bed early.

- Who exactly is Jillian? Am I getting senile in my old age, or is she one of those weird "Road Rules" people from last season?

-Is it me, or has Robin gotten progressively hotter over the years?

-Am I the only person who misses Dorrell's funny vernacular? I mean, I've never had more fun listening to someone than when Dorell used to say the word "Inferno"

-Has anyone on this show ever heard of sunblock? Its quite possible that everyone stored this on their carry on, and got it taken away from them at the security checkpoint. Perhaps they don't sell this "sunblock" stuff in Mexico?

-The first challenge - I'm not even sure what to say or how to react. A laundry challenge? Are you serious? So you have to run into the ocean, get a white linen shirt wet, run it back, give it to someone to send across a line, then ring it out. Amazing. Can I get this 3 minutes of my life back? And is there a strategy involved? Absolutely not.

-BROOKE: Is she not the worst real world/road rules challenge character ever? There is so much to talk about with her, but I'll try to only touch the important points. First, she gets called out that she is a "bad soaker" (see notes above on challenge). This reminds me of the "So you wanna be my latex salesman" quote by seinfeld - you connect the dots on that one. Not to mention the fact that she comes into the show being a fake lesbian (even Coral called her out on this one). Then she does miserably in the Gauntlet (as we knew), and drops the L bomb on Ev after she loses?? I also loved the fact that Evelyn was so angry after Brooke left that she needed to do PUSHUPS by the pool. I've never been so angry that I've resulted to pushups. Situps maybe, but pushups are simply ridiculous.

-How off is Nehemiah with his weights? Before the gauntlet, he drops the line that Brooke has 70 pounds over Jillian. SEVENTY pounds? I'd give her 40 at most, but thats it. And I feel like this isn't the 1st time he's made a ludicrous weight comment. Is he measuring in Stones or something?

-The 2nd challenge (the maze thing) - how was this even fair?? Typically, when a team is short people (i.e. the Rookies), they need to have some people go twice in order to balance things off with the other team. Why then, in this challenge, did the rookies get to only race 11 people through the maze, while the wiley Veterans had to race 15? My conspiracy theory is that the MTV producers realized there would be absolutely no parity between the teams if they didn't do this, and did not want the Veterans to go 5-0. How did the Vets not raise any objections to their boy TJ Lavin?

Lastly, I'm going to try and list my favorite 3 guys and girls from the challenge. I'd like to update this each week, but we'll see what happens [read: I'll forget a week from now]

Favorite Girls

1. Casey: hot blonde, closet slut, and I find it funny that she got fake boobs with her winnings from the last challenge, but still only has like a b cup (not complaining)

2. Johanna: hot latina. aside from that, I don't really care for her

3. Katie: pretty funny, I enjoy her backstabbing tactics, uber-bitchy and prone to get in screaming fights, and smokes at least 4 packs a day in my opinion

Honorable Mention #1 - Janelle: Because she's hot, and cause she called Tyler out last week about being a douche bag.

Honorable Mention #2 - Coral: also because she's bitchy, and she has X cups.

Favorite Guys (in a non-Brokeback manner)

1. Evan

2. Brad

3. Johnny Bananas

Honorable Mention - Kenny

"5 foot nothin', 100 nothin'"

I guess I'll admit that I've made a couple dumb bets over the course of the last 27 years. Confident in my abilities as a varsity high school soccer player and with the knowledge that Morten Anderson is still kicking field goals in the NFL at the ripe old age of 73, rumor has it that I bet a few people I could kick a 35 yard field goal in 5 tries. Well, not only did I miss it, but then became completely emasculated/embarrassed/insert gay joke here when not only did a friend of mine kick the same 35 yarder, but did so with his opposite foot with no shoe on. To make matters even worse, I couldn't even kick an extra point on the frozen tundra of Belmont High School....

As some of you know, I've argued a few other points which some may see as somewhat "unrealistic." The following are a few of these:

1. I can score a goal, given 5 opportunities, against an NHL goaltender. There has been some debate as to whether or not this is A.) on ice and B.) in a breakaway situation. Though I'm not a good skater (guess that college gym class I took really worked out...), I would like to think that my floor hockey skills rival that of a Wayne Gretzky in New Balances, thus, only a wrist shot would be necessary. Jury is still out on this one - anyone know where I can get an NHL goalie?

2. I can eat 10 clementine oranges in 5 minutes. I conjured up this wager on a Sunday watching football (don't oranges and football go hand in hand?), and I am still fairly confident that I can get this done. What's wrong with a little acidity? I've been known to throw down a 2 liter bottle of OJ in the course of a couple hours when I'm sick, so this should be nothing....and I don't even like orange juice.

3. I can rush for 2 yards in an NFL game. I'll preface it with this - I know full well that I'm not the 2nd coming of Barry Sanders....but give me a HUGE offensive line AND the NFL's best fullback and I can push those chains 2 yards. In hindsight, its highly likely that I break every single bone in my body, rupture my liver (who cares - it probably already looks like that of a 90 year old), and mess up my handsome face (most say I look like a young John Stamos, "only hotter"), but I'll take that 2 yards and the damn game ball....

With respect to this, looks like I just missed out on open tryouts for an Arena League Football team, the Manchester Wolves. It wouldn't be the NFL, but it would certainly be a start....anyone have some football pads I could borrow??

If anyone has any other challenges they would like to put me up to (as my track record of actually achieving them gives you excellent odds), I'd be happy to listen to any and all suggestions.

-Jesse and the Rippers

"Good Eeevening"

So I'm sitting around watching a television station by the name of "MyTV" last night (I'll save that one for another blog entry), and the local weather report pops up. Who is doing the report, you ask? Much to my surprise, it is a blast from my NH past - none other than Al Kaprielian.

Now for those who don't know Al (meaning 2 out of the 3 people that read this blog), I would absolutely be slighting him if I simply said that he was "quirky." Back in the day, I used to watch a channel by the name of WNDS tv 50, better known as "The Winds of New Hampshire." As you would expect a NH channel to be, I could have gotten a clearer picture from a Columbus, Ohio channel during a hurricane using a hanger as an antenna. There was more snow on this channel than Mt. Washington during a blizzard. Did I mention I'll be here all week? Different material at 7 and 9 PM, and try the veal - its great. Ok, enough on that tangent.

Anyways, why was I watching WNDS? CHiPs, of course. I mean, did you SEE the ass Frank Poncherello got? Plus him and Baker were always up to hijinks.... Well, every day during my favorite show, a man by the name of Al did the weather report. It was pretty evident the 1st time I laid my eyes on him that there was something seriously wrong with him. It got to the point where he developed a cult following in NH, and potentially among other states as well (I know MA and ME got WNDS too). I'd be lying to you if I told you I didn't have an autographed picture of Al Kaprielian lying around my bedroom at my parents' house in NH.

Here's a little taste of Al (I'd fast forward to the :35 second mark for a real treat...).




Anyways, its good to see that Al is still on television, and its even better to know that this blog entry has absolutely no conclusion whatsoever because my ADD kicked in.....

Flake

So, being Friday, I decided to loosen myself up a bit in the AM by listening to a little Jack Johnson on the commute into the city from Western Mass (Belmont). In my eyes, there's no more relaxing music than that done by a professional surfer who lives in Hawaii that leads a life 95% of us would covet (the remaining 5% must want to work in snuff movies or something....).

Now I've had this discussion with friends before - Whenever the question "What music would you most like to listen to at a barbecue" pops up, as it does in most normal cocktail party conversations, my answer always reads like this: 1. Any Jack Johnson 2. Jay-Z Unplugged. And sure, most people associate Jack Johnson with surfing, Hawaii, being laid back, etc. What comes to mind to me NOW when I listen to Jack Johnson? Two words: Maui Fever. Clearly there's something wrong with me, folks. I'm not even asking for a 2nd season of the show here - I'll take repeats of the old episodes, for christ sake. Something just draws me to a bunch of high schoolers goofing off in Maui, engaging in as much drama as they possibly can. Perhaps I am trying to live vicariously through them. Why do you taunt me like this, MTV? Why?