Manny (Done) Being Manny in Boston

And so the Manny Ramirez era has finally come to an end in Boston. What do I have to say about it, you ask? Well, thank you for asking....here are my thoughts:

Let's see what exactly we gave up for Jason Bay (who I will speak about later): Manny Ramirez, $7 million, Craig Hansen, and Brandon Moss. That's right - one of the top 5 hitters of our generation, the rest of his contract, a former #1 draft pick with nasty stuff who may
or may not figure it out at some point, and decent prospect with a decent upside. Admittedly, I'm not heartbroken with giving up Hansen and Moss, as the former would never bounce back (on our team at least) by being thrown into the fire his rookie year, and I considered Moss to be an average outfielder (20 HRs, .290 BA), but nothing more. That being said, the closest thing I ever was to being a scout was donning that awful uniform as a kid and starting out as a "cub" (I swear my father made me!). One has to ask - were we THAT desperate to trade Manny Ramirez??

Now let's switch gears for a moment and take a quick look at Jason Bay. Having a solid season this year (very similar to Manny's), and aside from the statistical blemish that was last year, has had a very solid career. Great average, great OBP, 35 HRs, and even some steals.
I should also mention that he's almost 7 years younger than Manny, he only makes $5 million per year (though this year is a moot point, as we are paying him AND Manny), and he's under contract for another year. That being said he has always played in the National League, and he has always played for a team that hasn't been good since Doug Drabek was throwing seeds for them back in the 80s. If you don't know who Doug Drabek is, I've made my point. Can Jason Bay come into a pressure situation, where all eyes are on him? Think JD Drew in '07, Michael
"Primetime" Coleman, Dwayne Hosey (just kidding on the last 2...or am I?). Can he come up big when it counts? Don't forget - Manny was World Series MVP back in '04, and his performance in '07 certainly was not a detriment to the team. Only time will tell - good luck Jason Bay, for all of our sakes.

Don't get me wrong - I see where the Red Sox were going with this - they can't handle Manny for another 2 months, and by dumping his and schilling's contracts (Curt, I think I hear 38 Studios calling...no, seriously), that opens up $20.5 extra million dollars next year for the free agent market (including Bay's $7.5 million for next yr). But here's what I think the Sox should have done:

-Every year Manny has his 2 week temper tantrum. Every year he comes back and mashes the ball. This year was a bit different, in that I think Manny was doing it to make sure the Sox knew he did not want them to pick up his option.

- That being said, Manny knew (or at least Scott Boras knew) that he couldn't continue playing like the next Julio Lugo for the next 2 months, because he is in a contract year and wants to get PAID next year. Poor performance equals poor new contract.

-Theo and his little Theo clones should have said "Look, Manny - we know you are going to be a bitch if we pick up your option, so here's the deal, which is a win-win situation: you play hard for the next 2 months, we don't pick up your option for next year, and you pick up a nice big
contract for next year from another team (that thinks they will be able to control your actions)." What's so wrong with that? Manny isn't that dumb, is he? We end up with the best hitter in the AL going on all cylinders for 2 months, a better chance to win another World Series, we have $20 million extra to pick up someone else, AND we get 2 extra 1st round draft picks next year when someone else picks Manny up (Editor's note #1: need to look into this, as I'm not sure if you get compensation if a team denies an option) (Editor's note #2: I am my own editor).

That being said, I'm not Theo Epstein and I don't know what else was happening behind the scenes. Theo is a smart enough guy to lay it on the line with Manny, so maybe it just wasn't gonna work. Let's just hope that the traveling secretary for the Dodgers is a little younger this time.

Ino Guerrero, this is your official wakeup call - your services are no longer needed in the Red Sox clubhouse.

The New Olympics....

Everyone that has gotten a chance to know me, or more importantly, has had the privilege to participate in any type of athletic activity with me, is fairly quick to notice one of my finest traits: I sweat....a lot. I'm sure genetics have a lot to do with this, so unless I find a quick, non-dangerous and cheap solution for the complete removal of sweat glands, I'm out of luck.

Being a born and bred Red Sox fan, I can say that I've gotten a few games under my belt. And I don't think I'm the only one that has noticed one obvious characteristic about our "Greek God of Walks," Kevin Youkilis: he sweats....a lot. Its borderline comical to watch the steady stream of perspiration flow from under his batting helmet as if his head were a faucet. Needless to say, the bald head does not help things.

So one evening I was having a rather intellectual conversation with my friend Shane about my uncanny god-given ability to sweat and our conversation turned to the Red Sox. In a moment of clarity, I argued that no matter how badly Youk sweats, I believe I could, in fact, out-sweat him. And then I did it - I proposed a "Sweat Off" with the All-Star first baseman.

So without further adieu, the following are my proposed rules to the introductory Kevin Youkilis vs Matt Dominici sweat off:

1 - Out of fairness, either I need to shave my head completely, or Youk needs to grow a full head of hair. This will be settled by a best out of 3 match of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

2 - A batting helmet must be worn at all times.

3 - The first event will consist of a 2 mile run. This will also help to establish somewhat of a handicap. Whichever person has a better per mile average will start out with negative sweating points. I believe that Youkilis, being a pro athlete, has a higher threshold for perspiration, and (once again) out of fairness, this needs to be made note of.

4 - The next event will simply be the "Sit and do Nothing" category. This event is somewhat tough to grasp for non Sweat-Off fans: you literally sit on a couch and do nothing for a full hour in 85 degree heat. 100% humidity is a necessity as well.

5 - One can't have a Sweat Off without the fan favorite: a trip on the Green Line from Cleveland Circle to Kenmore Square in a full suit (with batting helmet, obviously). Regulations dictate that the train must be completely full, with the air conditioning broken, and the trip must be taken during the summer months. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then apparently you've never lived in Brookline or Allston/Brighton....

6 - Consume a Super Burrito from Ana's Taqueria absolutely loaded with jalapenos and hot sauce. This could potentially be my downfall; I'm not sure how Youk deals with spicy foods, but I start sweating the second I see a green pepper, let alone a jalapeno. For some reason, I feel like Greeks have a much higher threshold for spicy foods. On second thought, I may be pulling this event from the competition.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon your opinion), these are all the events I could come up with on such short notice. Feel free to add any potential events. However, I don't really see the Sweat Off being much of a spectator sport for some odd reason....though I can't exactly pinpoint why.

As far as an award, hmmm....Well, I guess that the person who sweats more wins title as...person who sweats more?

Bring it on, Youkilis.....

"I Don't Drink Merlot!!"

Its ok to admit it - every one of you has that friend (or nemesis) that you affectionately refer to as the "Wine Snob." This the guy who spends an inordinate amount of time swilling his wine in front of his nose, attempting to fully unleash the aroma, or

"bouquet," as he properly refers to it as. The Wine Snob can spend hours obnoxiously talking about the superiority of pinot grapes grown in the Napa Valley in 2005 versus those grown in the San Fernando Valley, and, frankly, all you want to do is punch him in the stomach in an attempt to cease the constant discourse. "Are you really drinking THAT Chardonnay? 2007? (scoffing) You must have plucked that from the discount rack." Yes, think Paul Giamatti’s character from Sideways. If you wanted a Sommelier as a friend, you would have gone to a wine tasting and paid for a guy to ask you if you noticed the hint of chestnut in your Merlot. Naturally, this today’s blog topic: I’d like to introduce you to the close relative of the Wine Snob (perhaps a cousin of sorts): THE BEER SNOB.

I realize the concept of a Beer Snob may be tough to grasp initially, as the words used together may even be thought of as an oxy moron. Fundamentally, beer itself has been known for centuries (note: I have absolutely no proof, and this statement is most likely false) as the “drink of the working man,” with wine being the choice of those who
prefer "the finer things in life." Like most, I prefer a cold one at any function where alcohol should be a necessity - ranging from barbecue to birthday party to christening after-party (yes, it happens). Hand me a Bud Heavy, Coors Light or a Natty Light and I'm a happy man. On the rare day that I'm looking to treat myself, perhaps ill indulge in a Sam Adams or even an import, like a Caffreys. Alas, these beers mean nothing to the Beer Snob; merely flavored water.

My first encounter with elusive yet illustrious Beer Snob occurred a few weekends ago at a friend's engagement party in NH. I sat down at a table, cold can of Bud Light in hand, when my friend (the host of the party) sat down with an extra large bottle of beer and plastic glasses for each of us. Somewhat estranged by the abnormally large bottle, I
started asking questions about the beer (some Allaghash brewed in old bourbon casks or something). Cue the beer snob, who at that point was in earshot of my voice, and was clearly the purchaser of said libation. Comedy ensued.

In light of my experience, figured the best thing I could do is provide a list of telltale signs that you have encountered a Beer Snob:

1. Typically dressed in the clothes of a hipster. You know the style - somewhat shaggy hair, black architect style glasses, usually wearing a t-shirt he either bought at goodwill, or bought brand new that attempts to look like a shirt one bought at goodwill, only for $20+.

2. Brings his own beer to a party. Depending upon the beer snob, he will either bring only enough beer to serve himself, or if he's generous, enough bottles to provide his "friends" with a taste as well.

It should be noted that, more often than not, the bottle larger than most beer bottles - 24 ounces or larger is standard for a Beer Snob beer. This is definitely a prerequisite.

3. When excitedly informing you about the type of beer he brought, scoffs at the notion that you aren't familiar with the brewery or beer itself. Do not be discouraged at this point made by the Beer Snob - you should not know about the name of some beer brewed by 2 brothers in the basement of their mother’s home in Moscow, Idaho.

4. As mentioned above, if generous, Beer Snob will provide samples to passers by and the like. Upon asking for your thoughts, if one does not act if he just sipped from the Holy Grail, it will elicit one of two reactions from the Beer Snob, both being lose-lose situations for the taster:

1. He will become incredibly angry, begin nodding his head in disgust, and tell you "thanks for wasting my beer. Have fun going back to drinking your water...I mean Bud Light.”

2. He will become incredibly angry, begin nodding his head in disgust, actually pull the rest of your sample from right in front of you and pour it back into his own glass, and tell you "thanks for wasting my beer. Have fun going back to drinking your water....I mean Bud Light." Note: although this seems somewhat extreme, it is not as uncommon a reaction as one would suppose for a Beer Snob.

This brings me to the long-awaited answer to the age-old question, “What should I do in case I encounter a Beer Snob?” In short, I advise you do one of two things:

1. RUN…..fast.

2. Sit back and enjoy the experience. Go ahead – act as ignorant as you possibly can to the rhetoric spewing from the Beer Snob, and attempt to instigate him to be even more irritable and snobby than usual.

If you want my opinion, I’d suggest you allow the Beer Snob to do what he does and soak it all in, as you would a fine wine….or, in my case, a fine Natty Light.

Dave & Tim

So lately, I've been indulging myself in the music of yesteryear (a little used word, in my opinion - I'm bringing it back!) - I've been listening to a lot of Dave Matthews Band; more specifically, the "Dave & Tim Reynolds" acoustic stuff. I haven't found any underlying reason for this current phase besides a pure appreciation for the music, but I'm sure my psychiatrist would tell you otherwise.

Anyways, I've started to notice a trend amongst the fans at these concerts - they clearly have developed this fascination of the use of marijuana references. Whenever Dave mentions anything revolving around the "Celtic Green" (as one of my pothead friends calls it) the crowd simply ERUPTS in cheer, screaming and ranting and raving (and presumably, waving lighters around as well?). Examples:

1. In Crush, the line "Sitting, smoking, feeling high" emits such a roar from the crowd that you would have thought we found out the French just stormed the Bastille.

2. In When the World Ends, the line "We'll be burning one" gets the exact same response.

I get it, folks - you smoke weed too. Though I don't exactly understand what message you are trying to convey here. I've narrowed it down to a couple different understandings:

A. The crowd wants Dave Matthews to not that they smoke marijuana as well, and like it as much as he does, and is saying "see - we are a lot like you!"

B. The members of the crowd cheering to the weed references want to make sure other fans know that they, in fact, smoke weed. By the process of deduction, this equates a certain level of "coolness" to them, and separates them from the "other, non-cool" fans.

So here's my question - is this phenomenon unique of Dave Matthews Band loving crowds, or does it happen at all concerts? I can't imagine people cheering every time (3 times in all) Tom Petty says "Let's get to the point...let's roll another joint" in You Don't Know How it Feels. I mean, isn't that a little overkill? After the first cheer, I would think that the pro-weed cheer kind of loses its allure. I mean, do you think every time Snoop refers to "Smoking endo, sipping on gin and juice," his crowd starts screaming like a pack of girls who spot Justin Timberlake on the street (note: you could also replace "pack of girls" with my 29 year old male, straight roommate, but that's another story)? Pretty sure Joe Fan isn't sitting there saying "Wait a minute, Bob - we like Bombay Sapphire as well - start clapping!!" Alas, this is all speculation, as I don't really have any real information to go by, unfortunately....

Is it possible this says something about the Dave Matthews Band fanbase? What about marijuana users in general? Is it possible I need to cut down on my carbohydrates (I guess that's a personal question)? I do not want to opine on any of this, so please feel free to make your own judgments.

ps - Did I catch you with the psychiatrist comment? I bet I did! I don't really have a psychiatrist.....seriously - if you want proof, just ask my psychologist.

Next Time, Leave Your Ladles in the Kitchen

I know I haven't posted for a while, so I thought this short post could provide a sparkplug for me to start writing again. Also, I couldn't go without making sure my fellow readers got as much enjoyment out of this article as I did. I mean, who's this guy think he is? An Asian Emeril Lagasse?? (Note: that was my "cubicle worker who does stand up comedy at the local club every other Friday" joke)

Also, please note the pun at the end of the article. I have put it in bold, and am pretty sure that it was not meant to be a pun in such a serious news clip.....

TOKYO -- A veteran sumo wrestler who attacked a junior grappler with a cooking utensil has been ordered to take a salary cut for his violent outburst.

Toyozakura, whose ladle-wielding assault left the 18-year-old victim bleeding and needing eight stitches, will take a 30 percent pay cut for three months, Japanese sumo officials said on Thursday.

The same punishment was meted out to gym chief Magaki for beating a junior wrestler with a bamboo sword in the latest in a series of incidents that has tarnished sumo's image.

Toyozakura, 34, apologized after admitting he used a ladle to hit the apprentice on the head.

"I asked him to do something, which I don't remember exactly, but he couldn't do it," Toyozakura said, according to Agence France-Presse.

Sumo dates back some 2,000 years and retains many Shinto religious overtones, but the sport has been plagued by scandal in recent months.

Violent hazing, or beating during training, has long been seen as customary, contributing to the sport's struggle to attract new recruits. But there was a public outcry over the death last year of a teenage apprentice who was beaten with a beer bottle and a baseball bat.

Japan's government has weighed in on the issue, ordering sumo officials to clean up their act.

The (Socially Inappropriate) Bucket List

Sorry for the short (read: month or so) hiatus, but I have been traveling a bit and have not had a lot of time for bloggery. This includes traveling up the coast of California for 10 days, and attending 2 different weekend-long weddings (one of which I will have a blog recap about). Over the course of the past weeks, I have had a couple offers for guest blogging, but I guess it just hasn't worked out yet. The funny thing is, I'm not exactly sure if anyone pays attention to this blog, so it's almost a farce to decide to have someone actually "guest blog" on this.

So I don't know anything about this movie called "The Bucket List" besides the fact that it stars Morgan Freeman (as Morgan Freeman) and Jack Nicholson (as some rich man), two men who are both about to die and decide to live the rest of their days attempting to accomplish any and every feat they have ever wanted. This involves riding a motorcycle, going sky diving, going to a brothel, eating cod, and, hopefully, dying (I cannot confirm any of these are on the actual Bucket List, as I've never seen the film).

Fast forward a few days....keeping with this "Bucket List" theme, I recently heard a great story about this gentlemen in his mid-thirties who decided to quit his job on a whim and begin attempting to accomplish 50 different things he wants accomplish before he gets a new job. Apparently, he was on "Good Morning America" one day, and Matt Lauer (who I still believe killed a man in self defense, but have found no proof to defend this) or someone decided to assist him in reaching one of his goals - to tell Donald Trump "You're Fired!" His number one goal, I believe, is to ride an ostrich, which I thought was pretty funny.

Now, I guess I could make a real bucket list of 50 things I want to accomplish before I die, but I think all of you know this - I'm well too lazy for that.....so I came up with just a few things I'd like to do off the top of my head.

So without further ado, the following is a supposed "bucket list" of things perceived by the majority as "socially inappropriate" that I would like to do in the near future. As you will soon notice, the word "accomplish" just does not seem like the right word to use in this context:

- Start yelling absolute nonsense at the top of my lungs in a quiet presentation and/or while a teacher is conducting class

-Rent space on a highway billboard to put up a phrase and a picture which have no connection whatsoever Something such as a billboard that says: "My hands are dirty" and then has a huge picture of a leather reclining La-Z-Boy chair. Something which will really make "Joe Driver" look at the picture and think "WHAT the hell did I just drive by??" Admittedly, Rob Dyrdek of "Rob & Big" fame beat me to the punch on the whole billboard purchase idea, but they used it a little differently than I would have (please watch the show for further explanation)

-Be "That Guy" at a urinal that lets out a loud, lengthy sigh of relief in a very serious manner as he urinates. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.....it's almost as if it's the first time he has urinated in over 3 years, and its the best feeling he's ever had. Bonus points if I use my right hand to lean on the wall in front of me as I'm urinating - however, the hand leaning is a truly experienced measure, and not for amateurs

-While in line getting my items checked at a large grocery store, yell out the name of each and every food product which the employee picks up and scans - once again, at the top of my lungs. For example: "BANANA! CHEX MIX! FRUIT LOOPS! CREST MINT TOOTHPASTE WITH WHITENING! SPAGHETTI SAUCE WITH BASIL AND GARLIC"

-Purchase a raunchy pornographic magazine and read it on a plane/bus/train. It is important that I treat said magazine as if I were reading a Newsweek or Forbes

-Jump onto a field during a baseball game and steal 2nd base, fully utilizing a head-first slide. Note: I would only do this if the game were a blowout (and, more than likely, a minor league game), otherwise it would simply be a detriment to the game of baseball.

As I stated, these are just a few things off the top of my head. I'm sure I would have many more if I took a little more time to really ponder this.

Social Etiquette

Although some people may refer to me as a bit socially awkward (admittedly, I have never been able to understand this), I still feel like my mother raised me properly in terms of proper etiquette in a social situation. For instance, I present to you the following few examples:

- I always allow women to enter the elevator before me.

- I always say "bless you" (though I can't pull the "god bless you," as I feel like it borders on religious doctrine) or "to your good health" or "you are so good looking" after someone sneezes.

-I always make sure women order before me in a restaurant.

-I always turn the lights on before entering a room (on second thought...perhaps this is just more common sense than etiquette).

-I write thank you notes or provide gifts when staying at other peoples' homes (full disclosure: only when parents are involved).

As I hope you perceive, this list runs on and on.

However, there is one social behavior that I still haven't learned the correct answer to, if any. Allow myself to explain....myself??

Here is the conundrum (I wish I could visually display this with a picture or a diagram): As you walk out of a building, there are 3 different doors you must walk through, all separated by a maximum distance of about 1-3 feet each. You are not walking alone, however - there is always someone directly in front of you passing through each of these doors as well. Assuming this person (who, in order to maintain a level of anonymity, I will refer to as "Marock Mobama") follows proper etiquette norms, they willingly and patiently hold every door for you as you walk behind them through each. Now, here's my question - WHEN DO YOU SAY "THANK YOU" to the door holder? Here are a few different scenarios:

1. You say "thank you" only after the 1st door - but wouldn't you look like a total asshole if you don't say "thank you" for the other two?

2. You hold off your "thank you's" until you reach the 3rd door - but wouldn't the person lose motivation to hold the 2nd and 3rd doors for you? He/she would perceive you're taking his/her actions for granted, and potentially stop the door-holding process after the 2nd door (as you may be able to tell, a pet peeve of mine is people that do not say "thank you" to me for holding the door, just assuming I am supposed to for them.)

3. You say "thank you" only after the 2nd door, and do not pay your respects, so to say, after the 1st and 2nd door - now this is just ridiculous. If someone does this, there's a little something else wrong with you than just poor etiquette.

4. You say "thank you" after each door - but isn't this a little niceness overkill? I mean, do you really need to say three "thank you's" within three seconds? I always feel somewhat uncomfortable doing this, though I usually use this routine more often than not; it's just safer.

Come to think of it, this also goes for one of my prior examples - what if it's a double, or even the dreaded triple sneeze? Do you wait until after multiple sneezes to give the old sneeze response? Or do you pull the old rapid fire "bless you" after each explosion?

These, my friends, are the important questions which need to be answered.

Note: Why did you assume that Barock Obama was the person walking in front of me?? It wasn't him; it's just a name....