The (Socially Inappropriate) Bucket List

Sorry for the short (read: month or so) hiatus, but I have been traveling a bit and have not had a lot of time for bloggery. This includes traveling up the coast of California for 10 days, and attending 2 different weekend-long weddings (one of which I will have a blog recap about). Over the course of the past weeks, I have had a couple offers for guest blogging, but I guess it just hasn't worked out yet. The funny thing is, I'm not exactly sure if anyone pays attention to this blog, so it's almost a farce to decide to have someone actually "guest blog" on this.

So I don't know anything about this movie called "The Bucket List" besides the fact that it stars Morgan Freeman (as Morgan Freeman) and Jack Nicholson (as some rich man), two men who are both about to die and decide to live the rest of their days attempting to accomplish any and every feat they have ever wanted. This involves riding a motorcycle, going sky diving, going to a brothel, eating cod, and, hopefully, dying (I cannot confirm any of these are on the actual Bucket List, as I've never seen the film).

Fast forward a few days....keeping with this "Bucket List" theme, I recently heard a great story about this gentlemen in his mid-thirties who decided to quit his job on a whim and begin attempting to accomplish 50 different things he wants accomplish before he gets a new job. Apparently, he was on "Good Morning America" one day, and Matt Lauer (who I still believe killed a man in self defense, but have found no proof to defend this) or someone decided to assist him in reaching one of his goals - to tell Donald Trump "You're Fired!" His number one goal, I believe, is to ride an ostrich, which I thought was pretty funny.

Now, I guess I could make a real bucket list of 50 things I want to accomplish before I die, but I think all of you know this - I'm well too lazy for that.....so I came up with just a few things I'd like to do off the top of my head.

So without further ado, the following is a supposed "bucket list" of things perceived by the majority as "socially inappropriate" that I would like to do in the near future. As you will soon notice, the word "accomplish" just does not seem like the right word to use in this context:

- Start yelling absolute nonsense at the top of my lungs in a quiet presentation and/or while a teacher is conducting class

-Rent space on a highway billboard to put up a phrase and a picture which have no connection whatsoever Something such as a billboard that says: "My hands are dirty" and then has a huge picture of a leather reclining La-Z-Boy chair. Something which will really make "Joe Driver" look at the picture and think "WHAT the hell did I just drive by??" Admittedly, Rob Dyrdek of "Rob & Big" fame beat me to the punch on the whole billboard purchase idea, but they used it a little differently than I would have (please watch the show for further explanation)

-Be "That Guy" at a urinal that lets out a loud, lengthy sigh of relief in a very serious manner as he urinates. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.....it's almost as if it's the first time he has urinated in over 3 years, and its the best feeling he's ever had. Bonus points if I use my right hand to lean on the wall in front of me as I'm urinating - however, the hand leaning is a truly experienced measure, and not for amateurs

-While in line getting my items checked at a large grocery store, yell out the name of each and every food product which the employee picks up and scans - once again, at the top of my lungs. For example: "BANANA! CHEX MIX! FRUIT LOOPS! CREST MINT TOOTHPASTE WITH WHITENING! SPAGHETTI SAUCE WITH BASIL AND GARLIC"

-Purchase a raunchy pornographic magazine and read it on a plane/bus/train. It is important that I treat said magazine as if I were reading a Newsweek or Forbes

-Jump onto a field during a baseball game and steal 2nd base, fully utilizing a head-first slide. Note: I would only do this if the game were a blowout (and, more than likely, a minor league game), otherwise it would simply be a detriment to the game of baseball.

As I stated, these are just a few things off the top of my head. I'm sure I would have many more if I took a little more time to really ponder this.

Social Etiquette

Although some people may refer to me as a bit socially awkward (admittedly, I have never been able to understand this), I still feel like my mother raised me properly in terms of proper etiquette in a social situation. For instance, I present to you the following few examples:

- I always allow women to enter the elevator before me.

- I always say "bless you" (though I can't pull the "god bless you," as I feel like it borders on religious doctrine) or "to your good health" or "you are so good looking" after someone sneezes.

-I always make sure women order before me in a restaurant.

-I always turn the lights on before entering a room (on second thought...perhaps this is just more common sense than etiquette).

-I write thank you notes or provide gifts when staying at other peoples' homes (full disclosure: only when parents are involved).

As I hope you perceive, this list runs on and on.

However, there is one social behavior that I still haven't learned the correct answer to, if any. Allow myself to explain....myself??

Here is the conundrum (I wish I could visually display this with a picture or a diagram): As you walk out of a building, there are 3 different doors you must walk through, all separated by a maximum distance of about 1-3 feet each. You are not walking alone, however - there is always someone directly in front of you passing through each of these doors as well. Assuming this person (who, in order to maintain a level of anonymity, I will refer to as "Marock Mobama") follows proper etiquette norms, they willingly and patiently hold every door for you as you walk behind them through each. Now, here's my question - WHEN DO YOU SAY "THANK YOU" to the door holder? Here are a few different scenarios:

1. You say "thank you" only after the 1st door - but wouldn't you look like a total asshole if you don't say "thank you" for the other two?

2. You hold off your "thank you's" until you reach the 3rd door - but wouldn't the person lose motivation to hold the 2nd and 3rd doors for you? He/she would perceive you're taking his/her actions for granted, and potentially stop the door-holding process after the 2nd door (as you may be able to tell, a pet peeve of mine is people that do not say "thank you" to me for holding the door, just assuming I am supposed to for them.)

3. You say "thank you" only after the 2nd door, and do not pay your respects, so to say, after the 1st and 2nd door - now this is just ridiculous. If someone does this, there's a little something else wrong with you than just poor etiquette.

4. You say "thank you" after each door - but isn't this a little niceness overkill? I mean, do you really need to say three "thank you's" within three seconds? I always feel somewhat uncomfortable doing this, though I usually use this routine more often than not; it's just safer.

Come to think of it, this also goes for one of my prior examples - what if it's a double, or even the dreaded triple sneeze? Do you wait until after multiple sneezes to give the old sneeze response? Or do you pull the old rapid fire "bless you" after each explosion?

These, my friends, are the important questions which need to be answered.

Note: Why did you assume that Barock Obama was the person walking in front of me?? It wasn't him; it's just a name....